I sit and listen to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. I sip my coffee silently, the aroma and warm liquid working together to wake me up. Light is breaking across the sky, slowly and carefully chasing the long night away in exchange for morning.
I wait, quietly. I sit, quietly. I enjoy the peace, the quiet a rarity even on a vacation. Soon the boys will be awake, asking for oatmeal and the television and a game and a book and sunblock and, “Can we go to the beach right now?” I breathe in the coffee and push back the thought, but it snakes its way forward, weaving its way into my soul.
She is not here. Again. Ever. She will not wake early with the boys or sleep in as she does. She will not climb the stairs and walk around the corner with a mess of dark curls hiding her big, brown sleepy eyes. She will not walk over and give me a kiss. She will not tell me her dreams. She is not here.
She is actually on vacation with parts of her own family. She is making her own memories while I sit missing the memory of her. I am mostly okay with that fact, the knowing that she is busy living a life that I gave her. I am logically okay with it; my heart feels heavy and rebellious. I wish she was here, with me. With us.
I walked the rows of souvenir shirts. Visibly, I passed the pinks and purples and gender-specifically-girl shirts without a passing glance. Inwardly, I ached. I think that I will buy her a shirt. But I might not mail it. I don’t know her size again; she grows so quickly. I won’t see her in the shirt; that is hard. A few gender-specifically-boy shirts are not ugly and I plan to come back by the end of vacation to make a purchase. I don’t know if I’ll buy one for her when it comes down to it.
I allow these thoughts to pass through me like the stiff breeze coming in off the ocean. I sit and let them wash over me like the tide rushing inland. I allow this to happen in the still small moments of morning on vacation. Soon I will have to push them down and ignore their presence while I tend to the busy work of making a family vacation work… all the while knowing my family vacation is missing a person.
The Supporting Adoptive Families Act is not something I oppose. I have long been a supporter of providing all sides of the triad with better post-placement care. As it stands right now, as soon as many adoption agencies are cut their check, they check out.
This quote is something that I agree with, wholeheartedly.
“One of the biggest challenges facing adoptive parents is that there are simply not enough adoption support resources available,” Klobuchar said.
I agree. 100%.
However, one of the biggest challenges facing birth parents is that there are next to no adoption support resources available once they sign their names on the dotted lines. Even those that are lucky enough to have birth parent support groups through their agencies are often short-changed by being fed the same lines that they were fed pre-placement: adoption is good, we should be grateful and, by George, we should never speak ill of the process.
Don’t misunderstand me: I want adoptive families to get the resources they need to better ensure that our children are being cared for as best as they can possibly be. But to ignore that birth parents are needing their own forms of support whether their adoptions are open or closed is to ignore some of the true problems within the adoption industry. Where is the bill supporting the ethical treatment of expectant parents considering placement during the adoption process? Where is the bill giving birth parents better access to post-placement counseling and open adoption relationship mediation? We know that the research is on the side of continued involvement by birth parents, but so often birth parents shy away or disappear completely because they have not been given the information and knowledge of how to handle the difficult relationship balance with their child’s adoptive parents.
I really hope that adoptive parents are able to receive improved post-placement services sometime in the near future. I also hope that birth parents’ need for equal support is someday recognized and promoted as a valid change in the way that adoptions are handled. Maybe then — when all sides of the adult triad are being equally and adequately supported — we can truly offer our children the best of what adoption can offer… and the best of ourselves.
