Newsflash: Open Adoption isn’t a Guaranteed Path to Happiness

I’ve written on the forums about how I’m contantly running into people who assume that just because I(we) have an open adoption that I shouldn’t hurt. Well, that’s a load of crap. Let me say that loud and clear in this blog. It’s a load of crap.

I won’t do a comparison as to who hurts more (open vs. closed) because every birthparent is different and every adoption is different. But let me tell you, even though I seem like a well put-together woman with my head screwed on tightly to my shoulders: open adoption isn’t the best thing in my life. I am grateful that I see my daughter but, crap, sometimes looking into her eyes, in person, is the hardest thing in the world.

Move to today’s conversation with a nameless adoptive Mom involved in an open adoption. She starts out asking me what we do for Munchkin’s birthday(s). I went there for her first birthday but since we (amom and myself) had just had babies the month before her second birthday, no travelling happened. I sent cards and presents, of course, and have plans to be there for her second birthday. Anyway, then come the highly loaded and quite judgemental line of questions:

well how would you respond if Munchkin wanted BigBrother to come live with her because it is her brother. [My child] wanted his new brother [who lives with the birthmother] to come live with us when he was born we thought we dealt with it but now it has come up again. [Birthmom] is planning on coming to his party but now I do not know if it is a good idea

(Stuff in brackets is either my addition or a name change to protect identities.) I explained that many an adoptee (though not all) in an open adoption has asked if their new brother or sister (by way of the birthmother) could come live with them; it’s a complex thing to understand that your sibling cannot and will not live with you when you are young. Even young children who have stepsiblings living with a separate parent may not fully understand why they don’t live with their family.

She then responded with this gem:

so how do I deal with it she keeps having kids left and right does’nt it confuse them? she wants to stay at the motel we are staying at after the party and I guess I really do not want her and all the kids there too. She is only bringing the baby to the party when I think the other two should come

I start to get annoyed at this point. I stated how D is only taking JD when she goes out of state next month because it’s easier to travel with a baby than an older child. (Munchkin? A handful? Of course!) I also explained, using quotes to show that her choice of wording was highly improper, that whether or not she has kids “left and right” is not her concern. She just has to raise her own child.

I guess I want him to know raising a family does not mean different dads and no marriage.

To which I replied that you can raise him with your own morals but the understanding that all families are unique and different. I wanted to add, “So he doesn’t grow up to be a judgemental bastard like you’re acting right now.” But I didn’t. I bit my fingers.

I mean will she even be able to spend time with Josaih when she has the baby with. I guess her coming to the party would be ok just not sleeping over. She would have to stay in her brothers room and I know his wife does not want theat it is such a mess. I should not even invited her

At this point I just got flat out pissed. I asked if that meant that I should not take BigBrother when I go to visit Munchkin this fall. Yes, it takes a lot of energy to take care of a baby and spend time with the whirlwind that is Munchkin but it’s something that I do. And, then this is her oh-so-lovely response:

Your relationship is different and you seem more together than her. It seems like she never spends time alone with [her birthson] it is always with her kids around all the time. I don’t know what I feel just a mess right now.

To be honest, most adoptive parents I know would be elated if a birthmother didn’t want to spend “alone time” with their child. Personally, alone time with Munchkin can sometimes get overwhelming. She is not “my child.” (She is in the technical sense.) But I don’t raise her. I don’t know her personality cues, such as when I’m invading her personal space or when she just needs to be left alone to play with blocks quietly. I feel much more at ease with J, D (and the eighty-two cats), J, BigBrother and whomever else are around because I can simply and quietly watch my birthdaughter without feeling as though I’m “invading.” I know J and D both trust me with Munchkin but it’s still hard for me to interact with her at times. A lump forms in my throat and sometimes words escape me. Sometimes it is MORE than enough to sit and watch her, to memorize what she was like at x-age. Parents do this with any child; you take them in and try to remember intricate details. At least, I do. I’m a detail type woman!

And of course, the kicker:

you seeem very strong in your relationship with the whole triad I would never have thought you would be uncomfortable. How do you guys set things up for visits and how much do you usually see her?

Just because I’m mature about our relationship doesn’t mean I don’t hurt to my core. Just because I have found a way to deal with my emotions so that they don’t prevent me from being able to function on a daily basis doesn’t mean that I’m uncomfortable watching someone else parent my child. Don’t get me wrong: I dig J and D. Wrangling Munchkin is no small task and they take it on with much more grace than I sometimes think that I am capable of; but it’s still a weird feeling to watch someone who came forth from your body, with your genetics, run towards someone else and yell, “MOMMMMMY!” It breaks my heart.

And so why do I see Munchkin even thought it hurts? I promised her that I would. Prior to placement I wasn’t sure that it was something I wanted to do or could do. I was thinking primarily of myself. When I gave birth to her, we had a long conversation in the hospital one evening in which I promised her that I would always, until my dying day, place her needs above my own desires. If that, someday, means pulling back on contact while she goes through her own emotional turmoil, so be it. But until then, I will be physically and emotionally available to her in order to prove that her needs were always of my utmost concern.

This is the newsflash, folks: Adoption hurts. On all sides of the triad. Adoptive parents hurt at times. Adoptees hurt. And birthparents hurt. Even those with those “ideal” adoptions. What the rest of the world sees as “ideal” (referring to contact) is still not what I wanted for myself or my child in my mind’s eye. It still hurts that I couldn’t give her what she needed when she needed it. And if I have to pay with daggers in my heart every time I see her, that’s my own punishment.

Adoption doesn’t hurt? Live my life for just one singular day.