I don’t write a lot about BigBrother here but, I’m going to start doing so on a more regular basis. The fact remains that Munchkin and BigBrother are half-siblings and will be raised with that knowledge. And the joy of Munchkin having yet another brother. With BigBrother included, she has five. ;) Lucky, lucky girl.
I love my Son. I can’t say that loud enough. He is a joy. But we had some problems at first. And it sucks to admit that. But, I’m all about being totally honest at this juncture in my life so, yes, we had some bonding issues at first. Most of this was my fault. And I can blame my Husband just a little bit.
In the hospital, I gave birth “after hours” on a Thursday. That means no lactation consultant was available to me until the next morning after nine o’clock, and I wouldn’t have been her first stop. (I gave birth at 6:33 in the evening.) I had stated prior to the delivery that I wasn’t certain about breastfeeding but that I was open to it.
Before everyone has a cow, hush up and listen before you point judgemental horrible Mommy fingers.
I had done the research on breastfeeding. So much so that I began to hate myself for not breastfeeding Munchkin. My agency told me not to because of the bond that would occur with her. (God forbid I decide to parent?!) I believed their lines. I didn’t breastfeed. And while you can say, “I’m a birthmom and I didn’t either,” the fact remains that there are birthmothers who have breastfed and I am insanely angry that I was not afforded that opportunity.
And so guilty. Granted, I didn’t have reliable internet during my pregnancy with the Munchkin, but I should have known (miraculously?) that breastfeeding was the way to go. I feel like I cheated her. And myself. And so, when it came time to research breastfeeding while pregnant with BigBrother, it was a tough pill to swallow. Still, I kept my head up thinking, “I can do this. I can get past my own emotions of anger and guilt and give this little guy the best start possible.”
As soon as I was asked after he was born, I said no. I just said no. No questions were asked and that was that. Skip to the first night as J heads into the (hugest) bathroom (ever) for his shower. I was sitting in the rocker by the window with the awful flowered curtains, singing him Christmas Carols. (Most specifically Silent Night.) And it popped into my head, “I can do this.” I untucked my breast from my gown, cuddled him closely to me and…
proceeded to have one of the largest panic attacks I have ever had in my lifetime. I put him down in the bassinet and returned to the window, breast tucked away, to stare out at the night below me. I didn’t tell J. I felt embarassed. Sadly, the next day, no lactation consultant came to visit and I gave up any hope of having a breastfeeding relationship with my Son. Do I think that with some encouragement I could have gotten past my anxiety, anger and guilt and been successful in breatfeeding? I don’t know for certain. I will never know. I hate doubt.
And thus began the rough first couple of weeks with my Son. I felt disconnected. There were times that I couldn’t get him to stop crying. And, to top all of this off, J was sick with the flu for our first entire week home. (Yes, a week.) So, I was basically single-mom-ing it. For someone who had been so strongly resolved NOT to be a single Mom only two years earlier, it was a scary proposition!
And then I realized, ah, I can parent by myself. And everything inside of me hurt. Yes, J was occasionally able to take him so I could shower during non-puking episodes. (J ended up in the ER because he was so sick. Poor Man!) But, for the most part, that first week was me, winging it, alone. And it hurt me, to no end, to realize that I could do it. Yes, I had grown and changed in that two years time, but I was still, at the core, the same person. Had someone, anyone, encouraged me while I was pregnant, perhaps I would have seen that I could have been a good parent. But, again, we’ll never know. All I know is that I was told that I wasn’t ready and I was too young and yaddayaddayadda.
I had to get over my hurt before I could truly be able to begin to bond with BigBrother. It helped once J was un-sick and able to help me care for our new baby. But it still took a good three weeks before I felt like BigBrother’s Mom. Sometimes I felt like I was just watching J’s Baby. Or sometimes I felt like someone was going to run in the door and take him away from me. (Hence the reason I barely let him out of my sight in the hospital.)
But slowly, with much work on my end, I started to feel like BigBrother’s Mom. He looked up at me one day with those big brown eyes and I saw his recognition light go off. And then, it was just us. In that moment, I knew that I would be the one applying band-aids and kisses to boo-boos. I knew that I would be the one to fight for him to receive the best possible schooling. I knew that I would be the one to cry on his graduation day. And the day he goes to college (or wherever). Or the day he gets married. Moves out. And while that is scary, it was the best feeling in the world.
It is true that I will know of and possibly, if she wants me to be, be involved in some of Munchkin’s bigger life accomplishments. I’d like to think I’d at least be invited to her wedding. But there is no guarantee. And that just hurts. Especially when I know now that I always had it in me to be one helluva Mom. I do an awesome patty-cake. Ask BigBrother. It’s his current favorite, right behind Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.
Knees and toes.
8 Responses to “Nick Nack Paddy Wack”
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My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
I can imagine all the what-ifs with both Ari and BigBrother. I know what-ifs suck like no other. I wish hospital staff where you’ve been would be more considerate :( I was blessed and we had one of the most adoption friendly nurses ever. She even sat there right beside me as I signed the papers supporting me in whatever my decision was about to be. If you have other children, I hope this nurse’s twin comes where you are to be a loving supporter cuz she’s just wonderful all around! Snuck us free formula and everything ;)
HUGS Jenna! You are a great mom and though there are no guarantees in life, I know Ari recognizes you as well because she is so comfortable with you and that says a lot.
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*hugs to Bre*
It does say a lot, doesn’t it? :)
The hospital experience with BigBrother was 100000000 times better but still lacking in the breastfeeding area. Guh. Hopefully I can get my emotions in check before (if?) we have another child. I didn’t even know this was going to be an issue until very late in the pregnancy with BigBrother. Weird things pop up now and again.
I’m really learning every single day.
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Glad BigBrother’s experience was better :) Isn’t the saying 3rd times a charm? Things do come up…but you do wonderfully at handling them and that’s what matters. Thanks for the hugs Momma Jenna!
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LOL, Bre! Don’t rush me! ;) But I do like the idea of the third time being a charm. Maybe I’ll have NO complications the next time around. Then again, with some health issues I’m looking at, who knows. *tries not to panic*
No use panicking. I can’t do anything about … anything! ;)
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Hehe I can’t help it…you make beautiful babies! And third time HAS to be a charm :) This time was better so the next time has to be perfect right ;) I understand the last 2 lines…life quote I’m telling you ;)
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Beautiful picture of you and BigBrother :-) I hate to hear about your breastfeeding troubles, you are not alone, when I was pregnant with my 1st I planned on breastfeeding the whole time. I read everything learned and all I could. Fast forward to the birth, well It didn’t go well, I couldn’t believe I couldn’t do it. The nurses were down right nasty to me, the lactation consultant even made me cry! One nurse said “well, I hope you don’t expect him to learn his abc’s in a day” I had the worst experience. My son lost weight fast and was keep an extra two days because of it. When I finally broke down and gave him a bottle he sucked it down sooo fast, he must have been starving! Then the doctor comes in and tells me that my son couldn’t nurse because he could not latch on. The little piece of skin under his tongue was not long enough for him to stick out his tongue far enough to latch on. They were going to refer me to another doctor to have it cut!!! I said thanks but no thanks! So they never even apologized for the way they treated me and there was a reason we couldn’t do it. Well next baby I never even tried it, I was so “turned off” by the whole experience from the first time. I feel guilty sometimes for not even trying, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now with #3, she was adopted, so I didn’t ever even think of it. Not to offend, but I don’t think you should breastfeed if you adopt, just my opinion though. Sorry this is so long I just wanted to share that story with you, thanks for reading my blog Jenna, I love reading yours :-)
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You simply amaze me Jenna. I had read months ago you were having bonding problems and all I could think in my not-knowing 18 year old brain was, “Why? How on earth is that not possible?” I hope I don’t offend you, but I just really couldn’t understand. This really helped me alot to see what goes on more down the road after placing a child. I’m glad you’ve shared this and have overcome your worries and fears. In a way, it scares me though. We are birthmoms for LIFE, as you know. After placing, it’s not the end of our thoughts and pain. How will it affect me in the future and I have my own family and children? It scares me, but reading about what you go through and how you do in fact overcome everything, it gives me hope.
You ARE a great mom Jenna, and each of your children are so lucky to have you. Thanks for sharing everything you do, you never know how it touches other’s lives.
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Leah,
Goodness, girl, thank you for that comment. I won’t lie to you: it’s sometimes hard. And for those who say, “Well, you shouldn’t be having children until you’ve “gotten over” these issues,” the thing is… I thought I had dealt with a lot of my issues. A lot of this stuff didn’t even present itself until it was, in essence, too late!
Birthmotherhood will effect how you view things later. It’s just a fact. But don’t let it scare you into never doing any of it. I will be here for you through any of that. *hugs*You can ALWAYS come to me if you have a question or a concern.
And thanks for your last sentence. While I’m writing mainly just to figure out what’s going on in my life, ya know, it makes me feel good to know that my words are helping others. *hugs* You win for best comment. ;)
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