The Stages of Grief.
- Denial and isolation
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Simply put, those are the five stages of grief. As this is a new(er) subject to me, I am curious to find out if one can skip over certain stages, regress and(/or) get stuck. (I’m pretty sure one can get stuck.) I think I did the depression stage much earlier than the anger stage. Though, to be honest, I keep popping in and out of anger. Perhaps that lies in the fact that I never fully deal with said anger; I just graze the top of the issue. Avoidance much? Who? Me?!
I did a more specific search regarding birthparents and the stages of grief and came up with the following quote from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
When birth parents first deal with their loss, the grief may be expressed as denial. The denial serves as a buffer to shield them from the pain of the loss. This may be followed by sorrow or depression as the loss becomes more real. Anger and guilt may follow, with anger sometimes being directed at those who helped with the adoption placement. The final phases, those of acceptance and resolution, refer not to eliminating the grief permanently but to integrating the loss into ongoing life.
Well, I guess that answers the few questions I asked up above. Grieving is a personal process. (Though I still need to know if it’s possible to regress.) The above quote follows, more closely, the line I have gone through in relation to my grief and loss.
I don’t remember much about my denial phase other than it possibly being while I was pregnant. I kept telling myself, “If I could only win the lottery.” But, the thing is, I didn’t play the lottery. I was in a large amount of denial as I left the hospital. I felt very disconnected, as if the whole thing was some movie I was watching on, none other than the hated, Lifetime.
I then went through the depression and sorrow. There were days in which I didn’t get out of bed. I cried in J’s arms every night. Seeing other children made me ache in so many ways. I just wanted to hold my child.
I briefly slipped into anger when I found out how dishonest and unethical my(our) agency was on so many different levels. I reported them to the Better Business Bureau and really let them know what I thought. And then, I thought, I let it go.
As our visits began four months into the adoption, I think I may have slid back into denial. (The regression?) I told myself that since I could see her with my own eyes and touch her with my own hands that this was okay. Sometimes I would remove myself from the equation, telling myself that I didn’t have a right to be sad because she “wasn’t my daughter; she was D’s.” Yeah, I see that as denial now. While she is D’s daughter, she is also mine. I went through about a year and a half of this denial.
During my late pregnancy with BigBrother, once I was confined to bed with, yet again, complications, the sadness crept back into my heart. Memories swirled. I had flashes of moments while pregnant with Munchkin. It was, at times, overwhelming. I just wanted to be happy during this pregnancy since that had been robbed from me while pregnant with Munchkin.
The sadness continued for awhile after he was born (and to a point, still lingers). Each time he does something extremely cute or hits a new milestone, I see my firstborn and wonder what it would have been like to have been present for the same happening(s) in her life.
I’m definitely in the throes of anger. I am angry at those who allowed this to happen: the agency (especially), the birthfather and, to an extent, my family. I am not fully angry with my family as they were just trying to support me in the way they thought was best. But I guess I just wish they had said, “Please keep this baby; we will help.” I am angry with myself. To an extreme. I am angry that I had been irresponsible with money prior to getting pregnant so that I didn’t have any savings when I got sick during my eighteenth week of pregnancy. I am angry with myself that I allowed myself to fall prey to everything the agency had to say. I am angry with myself that I wasn’t who I needed to be, when I needed to be.
And, the guilt. I can’t even touch the guilt right now. But there’s guilt.
So, at the same time I’m dealing with the sadness, the anger and the (*sigh*) guilt, I’m trying to accept everything as it is; not elimiate the pain but integrate it into my daily life. That’s the point of my writing here: I can’t change it. There’s just nothing to be done in that form or fashion. So I have to figure out how to live this life that I made for all of us.
I guess my question as I finish this assignment is, what do you do when you’re stuck in the midst of three different phases? Interesting.
10 Responses to “Homework Assignment #1”
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
i end up just heading toward “the better” of the evils… guilt. i’ve never been good at anger (i can be very self destructive) and sadness is to obvious. not that i truly like being in any of these places. but at least i can take the guilt on myself. you know?
Like this comment:
0
I think your post sums up the problem with the stages of grief idea. It’s not so much the idea that there are these componates to grief, but the assumption that there are defined stages. In actuality, it’s quite common to bounce back and forth through the defined stages, not to mention as you ask above to feel multiple parts at the same time.
I like the idea of knowing your grief though as defined by the stages, but not the stages idea at all.
Like this comment:
0
not that you want to hear it from me, or that i even have the experience to give you good, solid advice, but….
with that disclaimer, i’ll give you the advice that i was once given in a very difficult situation by a lovely friend:
as dori in finding nemo says, ‘just keep swimming… just keep swimming…’
i know that won’t help, but i do wish for you the strength to keep swimming.
Like this comment:
0
I saw Finding Nemo in the theatre while pregnant with Munchkin. I needed to laugh and Husband and I decided to act like children and see it… without children. LOL. We own the movie.
I think it needs rewatched at this point.
–
I think I’ll discuss with my therapist how defining grief in separate emotional “phases” is good but not necessarily in a specific progression of stages. Thanks, hon!
–
I’m good at guilt. Believe me. Notice how i wouldn’t even graze the topic up there? Yeah. I’m deep in guilt. DEEEEEEEEEEEP. Deep. It actually feels good to start to deal with the anger. Somewhat surprising though.
–
I just replied backwards. :)
Like this comment:
0
I go back and forth through all of the stages too.
And hmmm…. reporting to the BBB, something I hadn’t thought of before….. Interesting idea….
Like this comment:
0
Heather, oh yes. ANLC was NONE too pleased that I reported them to the BBB. Actually, had J, D or I checked their BBB report PRIOR to the adoption, NONE of us would have used them.
BBB = great resource.
Like this comment:
0
You know, early on in my short career as an adoption caseworker, I had to attend our state’s big huge annual adoption conference. Three days of lectures, seminars, and workshops on adoption issues. There was some really good stuff. There were scores and scores of topics… we got to pick which ones to attend.
Anyway, this was one of the topics. The man who presented is an author of a book on this topic (can’t remember his name or the book, arrrg, maybe I’ll try Googling later). He said that he thought the whole “stages of grief” thing, which was originally coined by a specific woman (is it Katherine something?), had been misconstrued by the general public. He said the woman thought the same thing. He said it’s not really a step-by-step process, and it’s not rigid… it’s much more multi-faceted and it’s flowing and you can definitely go in and out of different parts or experience several all at once.
At the time, I was there in a professional capacity, but his words came back to me as it was just a couple months later that my world started crashing down and I got out of the complete denial I was in regarding Moonbeam’s adoption.
Anyway… it’s a long-winded way of saying that I think you are right, it’s not a linear, step-by-step thing, and there is no point in putting pressure on yourself to “achieve” certain steps in a certain order. Just do your best to work through whichever emotion you’re feeling the most of at the time, you know? IN the end, they are all interconnected anyway.
((Hugs))
Nicole
Like this comment:
0
Totally possible to regress and skip over stages, get stuck, etc.
Like this comment:
0
Grief is not a linear process. There are days when you are doing just fine and other days, you’re back where you started. we each grieve in our own way. Don’t be tied down by stages.
Like this comment:
0
Jenna, I am so glad to hear that you reported the agency to the BBB.
During early reunion, I did the whole guilt thing to myself big time. I should have been stronger, smarter, fought harder, etc. Forgiving myself was/is a major task. I had no agency hoopla either, only a husband who told me what to do.
Please remember that you were up a very sophisticated, well-funded agency. Their methods are well thought out, carefully crafted, well-developed by clever, super educated people – with all kinds of lofty degrees – marketing, psychology, etc. They have honed their techniques, practiced, worked on them for years and know exactly what they are doing. I believe that the minute a woman walks in the door of a place like that, she barely has a chance any more. Even the smartest, wisest, most educated women who walk in their doors fall for their methods.
They take advantage of women in a vulnerable place – and they know exactly what they are doing and how to do it to accomplish what they want – babies. Honestly, keep that in mind when you are feeling as though you should have been stronger, etc. Once you walked it that door, it wouldn’t have mattered, they are experts at what they do, know all the tricks, etc.
As for grief, I think that I pretty much went through the stages, but, I also slip in and out of certain stages too. Anger is a biggy for me. And, I have way less to be angry about that many – but, I am angry on the behalf of others too.
I cried till I couldn’t cry, raged – acceptance was what I really fought though. Mostly I have accepted that I can’t rewrite history, but, I think that there is a part of me that will never accept a system that allows adoption to happen as it does. And I will never believe that others were “supposed” to raise my son.
Like this comment:
0