I’ve written about my anxiety. Well, it makes it awfully hard to meet people and make new friends. I’ve been awful Wall Flower-y since college. In fact, my Best Friend from College lived across the hall freshman year. If she had lived, oh, two doors down, would I have ventured out to make nice? Who knows!

Lately, the only “new people” I meet are new people at work, J’s coworkers or, and here’s the Nerdy Kicker, people from the internet! It’s not like I’m sitting on a personals site looking for people who look nice. No. I just come into contact with Cool People by blogging, being involved in various forums and just being all around Geeky.

Today I put my anxiety aside (or pushed it down) and drove to Columbus to meet AfrindieMum, also known as Susie, and her darling daughter Z. She also brought along her (very nice!) sister and nephew (who was super well-mannered!!). Everyone oohed and ahhed over the cuteness that is my Son. I smiled and watched Z, a whirlwind of toddler power. She reminds me a lot of Munchkin. Happy. Active. (Er, very active!) And rather independent.

We talked about adoption, life in general and Ohio. We talked about how the Adoption Network Law Center is awful and even though she didn’t use them, she knows that. (I’m amused that people who haven’t used them know that they are eeeeevil.) We talked about our unique situations. We talked about parenting. We just talked. And my God, it was nice.

Too bad she lives a whole bunch of miles away. However, she does come to my (boring) state to visit family a few times a year so we have plans to actually make better plans next time around. It’s just nice to meet someone and feel free to talk without fear of judgement or odd questions.

Plus, any Mom who says “shitty” is cool with me. Thumbs up, Susie. Good to meet you. Thanks for making our day a good one. And you give that little Z a big hug from me and a slobbery kiss from BigBrother.

They shift. And get completely erased by the tide.

Where do we draw the line? How does a birthmother with a good match and relationship with the adoptive family figure out how far is too far when it comes to talking about her experience with expectant parents?

I ask not because I’m doing it. Heck no. I have no desire to do so. I’m watching others do so and it makes me want to scream and point, “Coercion! Coercion! Misleading information! Shut the heck up!” And some obscenities that I’m trying to let go of. Goodness, it’s hard to stop cussing. Especially on teh intraweb!

I know that current birthparents should inform expectant parents investigating their options if they are asked about adoption. One shouldn’t necessarily bust out with lies and say, “All adoptive parents are eeeeevil.” It just simply isn’t true. D isn’t evil. Frankly, the majority of adoptive parents that I know in real life aren’t evil. Though some are. And they make me want to cuss. Back to the same problem there.

But the problem is, agencies aren’t asking those of us who take issue(s) with adoption to come in and speak to these expectant parents. They’re bringing in the Happy Birthmother(s). (I will fully admit that some Happy Birthmothers are truly genuine, lucky and blessed. I will also fully admit that I used to be a HB and was living a lie. Same goes for many others who happen to be blogging around these parts. Moving on.) I fear that these unknowing expectant parents are only getting half-truths. A recent HB said that she wanted to portray adoption honestly but if you want to do that you need to bring in a woman whose life has truly been descimated(sp) by the placement of her child. You need to bring in a woman who placed her firstborn only to find out much later that, oops, no more kids for her. You need to bring in a woman, like myself, who still has the “Ideal Adoption” and still feels that empty hole in the center of her being and wishes, with all of her might, that things were different.

Totally unrealistic, eh? Sad.

And some will counter with, “This is the information age! People can look that kind of sob-story sh… stuff (caught myself)… up on the internet! Go to the library! Get off your rear-end!” Not always so.

Recently, a few people were discussing preparedness before placement and how we all come in with varying degrees. Well folks, I came in mostly blind. If you know even an iota of my story, you know that I had the pregnancy from Hades and was on bed rest from 18 weeks on; due to my financial constraints, my internet connection was unreliable (at best) and I didn’t have information sitting at my fingertips. Beyond that, when I did have internet, I didn’t listen to the “Scary Angry Birthmoms,” though to be honest, only one or two approached me and begged me to consider parenting. Everyone else was gung-ho for placement. Especially the agency.
I wish the agency would have discussed some (heck, any) of the emotional turmoil that a birthmother goes through post-placement. The whole, “You’ll be sad but you’ll move on,” crap is, well, crap. But I didn’t know any different. How could I?

It just makes me sad that other Birthmothers are out there, telling these nervous, unsure expectant parents that it will all be okay if they place their child. While things may work out in the end, nothing will ever, ever be the same again. (Though, nothing is the same when you parent, either, but there isn’t a sense of overwhelming loss and “What the $*#! did I DO?!) (Caught myself again.)

It’s all lines in the sand.