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They shift. And get completely erased by the tide.

Where do we draw the line? How does a birthmother with a good match and relationship with the adoptive family figure out how far is too far when it comes to talking about her experience with expectant parents?

I ask not because I’m doing it. Heck no. I have no desire to do so. I’m watching others do so and it makes me want to scream and point, “Coercion! Coercion! Misleading information! Shut the heck up!” And some obscenities that I’m trying to let go of. Goodness, it’s hard to stop cussing. Especially on teh intraweb!

I know that current birthparents should inform expectant parents investigating their options if they are asked about adoption. One shouldn’t necessarily bust out with lies and say, “All adoptive parents are eeeeevil.” It just simply isn’t true. D isn’t evil. Frankly, the majority of adoptive parents that I know in real life aren’t evil. Though some are. And they make me want to cuss. Back to the same problem there.

But the problem is, agencies aren’t asking those of us who take issue(s) with adoption to come in and speak to these expectant parents. They’re bringing in the Happy Birthmother(s). (I will fully admit that some Happy Birthmothers are truly genuine, lucky and blessed. I will also fully admit that I used to be a HB and was living a lie. Same goes for many others who happen to be blogging around these parts. Moving on.) I fear that these unknowing expectant parents are only getting half-truths. A recent HB said that she wanted to portray adoption honestly but if you want to do that you need to bring in a woman whose life has truly been descimated(sp) by the placement of her child. You need to bring in a woman who placed her firstborn only to find out much later that, oops, no more kids for her. You need to bring in a woman, like myself, who still has the “Ideal Adoption” and still feels that empty hole in the center of her being and wishes, with all of her might, that things were different.

Totally unrealistic, eh? Sad.

And some will counter with, “This is the information age! People can look that kind of sob-story sh… stuff (caught myself)… up on the internet! Go to the library! Get off your rear-end!” Not always so.

Recently, a few people were discussing preparedness before placement and how we all come in with varying degrees. Well folks, I came in mostly blind. If you know even an iota of my story, you know that I had the pregnancy from Hades and was on bed rest from 18 weeks on; due to my financial constraints, my internet connection was unreliable (at best) and I didn’t have information sitting at my fingertips. Beyond that, when I did have internet, I didn’t listen to the “Scary Angry Birthmoms,” though to be honest, only one or two approached me and begged me to consider parenting. Everyone else was gung-ho for placement. Especially the agency.
I wish the agency would have discussed some (heck, any) of the emotional turmoil that a birthmother goes through post-placement. The whole, “You’ll be sad but you’ll move on,” crap is, well, crap. But I didn’t know any different. How could I?

It just makes me sad that other Birthmothers are out there, telling these nervous, unsure expectant parents that it will all be okay if they place their child. While things may work out in the end, nothing will ever, ever be the same again. (Though, nothing is the same when you parent, either, but there isn’t a sense of overwhelming loss and “What the $*#! did I DO?!) (Caught myself again.)

It’s all lines in the sand.

There really is nothing more to say… you said it all, Jenna.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but are you saying that Happy Birthmothers should not be sharing their experiences with expectant parents at all? Because if that’s what’s being suggested, then I think that’s unfair. If you want to make an informed decision, then you need to hear both sides, bad and good. :)

Did I say that? No.

If you read, thoroughly, you’ll catch this:

I fear that these unknowing expectant parents are only getting half-truths

Which, reading comprehension with the rest of the context, goes to say that by [the agencies] only inviting Happy Birthmothers to talk to the expectant parents, they are only getting half of the adoption story. I didn’t say not to invite the Happy Birthmothers. I said to invite us as well.

Reading is awesome.

Gotta love the sarcasm…

I realize you didn’t say that. If you did, I would have quoted you.
I did read your post, and that was something I interpreted.
I got that from the line that says:

“It just makes me sad that other Birthmothers are out there, telling these nervous, unsure expectant parents that it will all be okay if they place their child”

Maybe the birthmothers that are out there making this statement really ARE comfortable with their choice. Maybe they realize that while they wish they never had to make that difficult choice to begin with, it was the best decision they could have made at the time.
And maybe they actually are okay.

I’m glad my initial interpretation was wrong.

You can’t rip one sentence out of context and make that the meaning of an entire post. If you rip that out, yes, it does sound like I’m saying that those happy with their adoptions shoudln’t be speaking. However, when you read it in context with the rest of my post, you realize that I’m just asking for equal opportunity for all to speak.

I say what I mean.

Jenna, because you have a “good’ situation, and a “good relationship..and still feel the way you do, and can communicate..you are a perfect canidate for giving out fair warnings.

It’s hard..we don’t win often, but when we do..oh, it’s just lovely.
I use to think that I got a pathway to heaven by making the sacrafice and losing max, now I think I have a better chance because of the women who are parenting thier children because I spoke to them.

Heck, we do a decent job of it on A.com. And some good saves just the last few months..KaiteLeigh, PhonxFish, SkiBunny. Keep the mental list for when you get down.

My memory is faulty, but I think I just missed you by a few weeks. I wish I would have haunted you. I wish I would have found you sooner even if you hated me for it. That part really bothers me. A big if only.

*shrugs at Claud* I was hard to get ahold of while I was pregnant because I was either in the hospital, in bed or with unreliable internet. If I went to stay at Mom’s when I was very sick, i didn’t have internet. And when I would stay there for long periods of time (month or so) my internet would get turned off, etc. It wasn’t until near the end, when I was gung-ho, that I really had reliable internet.

It’s all in the past, of course. I try not to let that kind of stuff get to me. It does but it’s okay. I just make the most of what I have now, which, thankfully, is more than most have. But I can’t let others just sit around thinking that adoption IS sunshine and rainbows. It IS just half of the story. Even in the BEST of adoptions, there IS loss. And neglecting to tell expectant parents that kind of information, that bad stories do exist, that lives ARE ruined, etc… is a HUGE disservice.

Freaking huge.

What about a mom who DID parent, who IS parenting while single? I would like to try to speak up more, to say it is possible, doable, a good thing to choose. I don’t think I have found my voice or my soapbox yet, but it’s starting to bubble up…

I added that in my more recent pissed off post about the topic. All sides need to be presented.

Bubble away. I’d rather see a single Mom work her ass off to provide for a child and get through those tough times than regret her decision for the rest of her breathing days.

Ha ha this skinny old ass of mine is just about worked to death! Now I have three and I am loving it. Thank God Almighty for every living day of {single} parenting!!

Single parenting has its own perks. I dont have to agree with anyone else about how to raise my daughter.

((HUG)) Jenna…
Even out of context that quote doesnt say dont share happy stories… it says dont tell them their story will be happy.

Big distinction.

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