I get emails from The National Center for Adoption Law & Policy. I choose to get these because Capital University is in Columbus and that's just a stones throw from our front door. Okay, an hour, but still, not long in the Jeep (even shorter in the Mustang!). The past two days, I have gotten two emails in which gatherings were discussed for adoptees and adoptive parents. No mention of firstparents. Yesterday's email was brief with the simple question of whether or not firstparents were invited/included. Answer was yes and they would fix the wording. And then this came today:

SALI will be taught by Professor Kent Markus who regularly teaches the Adoption Law course at Capital University Law School in Columbus, Ohio.  In addition to the regular lectures, there will be two panels speaking about their experiences with adoption. The first panel will consist of people with personal adoption experiences, such as adoptive parents and children. The second panel will be made up of experts in the field of adoption such as judges, attorneys, and case workers.  Throughout the week, there will also be a pizza party, movie night and trip to a local comedy club.

And so, I was a bit annoyed, and I jotted off this one:

Why is your first panel only including adoptive parents and children? Why aren't we hearing from firstparents as well? They have an equal experience in adoption. This is the second time in as many days that a mailing from your school has discluded and ignored the importance that firstparents have in adoption. Why are we being ignored?

Please ignore the word "discluded" and make it excluded. Ever had a brain fart? Welcome to Life as a Mom. I swear, my brain has turned to mush as of late. I cannot wait for J to come home tomorrow. Moving back to the subject, I figured I wouldn't hear another word on the matter. Wrong. Less than five minutes later, this reply:

Hi Ms. Hatfield:

 

You bring up a good point - we had not meant to exclude anyone. In fact, we are in the process of determining who to include on the panel and we will certainly try to include some firstparents in the group.

 

Thank you for writing and letting us know your concerns.

So, I'm impressed. I know that this program out of Capital deals with all aspects of adoption, not just the happy-go-lucky stories. They are not affiliated with an agency. They are not trying to get people to spend money through them and therefore offer a more well-rounded informational gathering than your typical "adoption event" at an agency. And so, I decided to step out of my shell. Me. Miss Anxiety. Miss Hide in Public Gatherings. Yeah, I sent this email:

Thank you for your prompt reply! I've made it one of my personal concerns to make sure that firstparents are being included in such events in our state. All too often, I see events for adoptees (rightfully so!), adoptive parents (rightfully so), but, sadly, none for firstparents. I know what it's walk the lonely road of firstparenthood and have recently felt lead to make sure we are finding equal representation among triad events.

If you need a firstparent for your panel, I would be more than willing to come and participate. My firstborn was placed in an open adoption almost three years ago.

Anyway, thank you, again, for taking the time to listen. Best of luck with your panel! May it be enlightening and fun for all attending and involved!

I know. I'm equally as shocked. And, her reply:

Thank you for your kind offer! The panel will be on Friday, August 4, at Capital University Law School in Columbus, Ohio. Let me know if you would be available. I promise to have a firstparent represented, even if it is not you! Firstparents are an essential piece of the puzzle. And, you would have the marvelous perspective of a firstparent in an open adoption.

So, I sit and consider this offer. Can I do this? Can I be the only firstparent in a room. All eyes on me, knowing that some, if not all, are falsely judging me? Can I discuss our personal story without crying? Can I drive it home how referring to an expectant mother as a birthparent prior to the signing of the termination of parental rights is blatantly coercive? Can I try to get adoptive parents to understand that openness with firstparents isn't scary? Can I come across as approachable but sad and not scary and bitter? I decide, heck, I've got to try. This option wouldn't have presented itself if I couldn't handle it. And so, I said:

I live just east of Columbus in Cambridge. I would be more than willing to be on your panel as the firstparent representative. I'll just take off work that Friday so I can be sure to attend. I'll have my Husband in tow so he can sit with our son. Perhaps I'll see if my firstborn's parents can make the trip out (they live in PA) but that's uncertain because I'm visiting them the next weekend!

Again, keep me updated on anything I should prepare for/etc. I'm used to speaking in public; I majored in broadcast communications though I am now a "behind the scenes" type of girl in the media. :)

Thanks again. I am very excited.

And so, it's set. I'm going to sit in front of a bunch of people and tell my story… and try to educate people on how important it is to treat expectant parents LIKE expectant parents, even if they are investigating and considering placement. I don't think J, D and the Munchkin can make it out since we are visiting shortly after but that would be quite interesting if they could.

Anyway. *looks to the side* I'm not nervous right now. Ask me the night of August 3rd when I'll surely be puking.

So now, it's your turn to help me out: speaking as a firstparent to a room of adoptive parents (potential and current), what should I be sure to mention? I do want to mention about how to refer to an expectant parent considering adoption. I want to make sure that I tell adoptive parents to let expectant parents know that, in Ohio, open adoptions are NOT legally binding. If the agencies refuse to do this, someone has to and so, hopefully a guilty conscience will make some of them speak up! I want to highlight some of our story; how and why I chose J and D, how we formed our open, honest relationship and how we continue to do what is in the best interest of Munchkin. Any points of our story that you, as my readers and friends, personally like that I should include?

And anything else. Gimme some advice. Holla. 

Who wants to beat their head against the wall?

It's not her fault that the Birthmother can't "let go" she has tried for over a year now….to make things work and "The Birthmother" has proven she is not capable of maintaining a healhty relationship with her bdaughter or bdaughters family at this point.

Oh. I'm fucking sorry. I didn't realize that there was some magic time table in which firstparents were supposed to "let go." Are you serious? Because, certainly, you must jest. I mean, after that magical one year mark, a firstmom is just supposed to wake up, sit up in bed and think, "Oh! That whole adoption thing? I'm soooo over it?" Do you realize how stupid that sounds (and how stupid it makes you look for uttering such nonsense?)? My own grief didn't begin until well after the first magical year had past and I realized, "Shit; this is deep." For pity's sake, I wish I thought you were joking. But no. You're just that cold and callous.

Here's the newsflash: many a firstparent is never going to "get over" the adoption or "let go" of their child. We let go of them physically. The only claim we have left of our placed children is the emotional one in our hearts. Yes, we have bad days. If you can't deal with it, I question where your issues of insecurity stem from! Ask yourself that.

Moving on.

I will never, sans emotional or physical threats or abuse, understand parents shutting a firstparent out of their lives. You cannot possibly justify it to me. Your Husband doesn't like it? Get marital counseling and come to a better, mutual conclusion. Don't let him walk all over you, your daughter, the firstmom and your sorry excuse for a marriage. Your neighbor doesn't like it? Don't give them a cup of sugar. Your adoptive parent friends are uncomfortable with it? Advise them to find where THEIR own insecurities stem from. Your Mom doesn't like it? Remind her that you're no longer a child and can make your own decisions.

Oh wait. No you can't.