I have waited two years, three months and eighteen (now nineteen) days to hear (read) this:

…but I'm just saying whats in my head without trying to restructure it to make it sound right, just truthful, lots and lots of thing I'm thinking of right now, one of the most important being that I want to meet my daughter, even if I cant handle it well I have to see her.

You probably don't understand the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders. I have lived with the worry that Munchkin won't know or understand that he does love and care about her. He has told me as much but, knowing him for so long, he doesn't communicate very well, especially when it comes to things of the emotional genre. To know that he wants to meet her is such a relief. She will know.

The angry side of me (because I am still angry with him) wants him to know how much it hurts. I want him to understand on that level that only a firstparent can; the grief and the loss and the pride and the shame and the love all mixed together in this one strange emotion. I want him to know that… but a part of me thinks he may have an inkling. I'm sure he does; most first parents do, but he just hasn't communicated that to me as of yet.

He's not a bad man. He just acted improperly in a crisis situation. We've all done it. Said things we wish we could take back. Done things that didn't convey how we truly felt and, instead, made it look like we didn't care at all. It's a defense mechanism. I am not supporting his actions or words; they hurt me deeply, to my core. But I understand them. I've been there, done that. I wish it wouldn't have taken two years for him to realize his mistakes but, alas, we all come around to things in our own time. I'd send the guy flowers of congratulations if his wife wasn't a raging… meanie. 

I also like this part of the email:

but basicly I've decided to not be such a scum and start doing whats right instead of whats easy, and the right thing to do was to quit this job a long time ago, it's a waste of time and talent. Alot of whats right has to do with ALOT of apologies to you

The fact that he even recognizes that I deserve apologies is miraculous in itself.

I told J and D this week that I can no longer be the go-between regarding him and Munchkin (and them). It's been taxing on my emotions and my therapist caught that at our last appointment. It's also been a sore spot in my marriage. J is not fond of Lincoln due to the emotional stress that he put me through; understandable if you know my Husband. I gave D all of his informatio: email addresses (plural), cell phone number and random ways to contact him. I honestly don't know if they contacted him but this is the email that I got yesterday. It's weird to have all of my anxiety regarding him and Munchkin lifted at once. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not still angry. I am. But the anxiety is lifting.

Another firstmother asked how I will handle it if Lincoln is inconsistent. Well, that was the point of handing control over to J and D. It's really not my concern anymore. Obviously, I will be concerned. I want Munchkin to have stability, to know that even though my(our?) lives are busy, she is still a priority. If he can't make that work or if it's all too much for him, I know that J and D will handle the situation as they see best fit. As she is still young, he will be just another person that she can talk to about orange kitties or play dolls with. I can only hope that this step will be a long term one. Yes, it will hurt me, for Munchkin, if he bows out eventually. But I, myself, will always be there for her. I can only be responsible for me. (God, I love my therapist!) 

My heart is calming. 

–

I can only hope he steps up and does what he says he wants to do. She can only benefit. This is for her. This is all for her.