I do not preface today's title of Birthmother's Day with "Happy." It is not a happy day for me. I don't want flowers. I don't want balloons. I don't want someone to tell me how proud they are of me or how strong I am; that's not what today is about for me. Not one bit. 

Today is my silent day of reflection. Today is the day that I think about my pregnancy with Munchkin. Today I think about everything that went wrong the lead up to her placement. Today I think about the fact that I could have parented her but was not encouraged to do so … and how that will forever lay heavy on my heart. Today I think about her beauty, her spirit, her laughter. Today I thank God that she is alive, she is well. Today I say silent prayers for pregnant women to come that they can avoid this forever feeling of guilt, shame and emptiness. Today I say silent prayers for change in adoption for all sides of the triad.

Birthmother's Day, at first, seemed like a great idea! I was only five months out of placement and thought, YEAH! A Day for me! The next day, as I sat in church and listened to everyone talk about how wonderful Mother's were… as I sat alone, without a child, I vowed never to utter Birthmother's Day from my own lips. Last year it was no fun. However, this year I have been talking with some other wise firstmothers and adoptees about how they view the day. I have taken some of their ideas, added a few of my own and, VOILA! I have a day that is personal to me.

Today is very peaceful, very serene, very solemn and very somber for me. I do not take it lightly. I actually wish I didn't know this day existed; wish that I didn't bear the title of Firstmother, but I do. And so I am quiet today. I miss my daughter. Tomorrow I will get to celebrate the fact that she is my daughter, that I am her Mother and that we are a pretty cool family. Today I look inward and cry silent tears for what could have been. I think of my firstmother friends who also know what today is, what this weekend is, and pray and hope that they will find the strength, the love to make it through the weekend. I think of the firstmothers who came before me that lead the way and I am grateful to them for their courage to stand up for what is right… and I pray that I can continue to do the same. I think of Firstmothers to come and my heart breaks for their pain, most often unnecessary. I think of the wrongs caused by unethical adoptions, unethical parents on either side and adoptees who are screwed over by the system… and my heart continues to break.

Today I am thankful for my firstmother friends. I am thankful that they understand the pain, that they can sympathize on a level that even my own Husband cannot grasp. I am thankful that I have someone to talk to when it all gets to be "too much." I am thankful that even though I would rather be anything but a birthmother, I have these sisters to stand by my side, to remind me that I don't have to hide my head in the sand, ashamed and to encourage me to keep my chin up. I am thankful for these women. I am thankful that a day exists where I can think of them all day and not be overwhelmed, for that is how I view today. 

But, this year, today is my Husband's birthday. And THAT is a million times better than any day dedicated to "me." So, sisters, I'm thinking of you today. I hope you have love and peace in your lives today. But I have to go bake a cake. 

Sprinkles, perhaps? :)