And not for the best.
I posted the following question(s) in an online community for first(birth)mothers in 2003.
I wrote a letter to the guy that I told we could possibly become a couple when he came home from Iraq to inform him of my pregnancy. I never expected to hear from him again. So when he called the day that he got the letter and said we would discuss it when he got home on Mother's Day… I was shocked. A) He wasn't supposed to be home until January. B) He called!
After his return, he stated that his feelings had not changed for me. We began dating and have been ever since. Originally, at the start of our relationship, I was planning on keeping Munchkin. [...] Now I'm starting to see and hear and feel the effects that my decision [to place] has had on him. He sometimes gets distant when I speak of the adoption and or the baby. However, he loves this child. He's constantly talking to my tummy and doing all those daddy like things even though this baby is not his at all.
I'm worried that he will keep all of these feelings inside and that post-adoption he will resent me for my decision even though he is not the father. I don't know if any of you have been in a similar situation, but advice here is definitely welcome. I don't want to lose him on the other side of this thing as it is hard enough. Thanks for your help.
And someone that I later came to trust as a friend, replied with this gem:
How do you feel? Do you want to be a mom? Are you ready to be a mom? Are you ready to go through an adoption? Your boyfriend's feelings are important, but they shouldn't be what makes or breaks your decision (one way or another.)
You two aren't married and if you decide you want to raise your baby then you need to be able to do it on your own, without your boyfriend's help (financially, emotionally and otherwise.) If he chooses to help, then that's great, but don't put yourself in a position where you can't do it alone.
Your baby is what matter's most. Do what is right for your CHILD – the decision has to be yours, not your boyfriend's.
I posted about finding this exchange a few months ago; it saddened me, deeply, to find that this idea had not been my own but, instead, had been planted in my head by people that I thought knew better. (I was so naive, so trusting. Is it any wonder that I don't trust even nuns now?) I had wanted to include J in the decision, the process. And, for the most part, he was. He attended the first meeting with J and D with me. He was, simply put, always there. I didn't want to make the decision without him, but, as all four of the other responses to that question, including the one from the woman who was to become my friend, told me that I needed to be a "strong woman" and "stick to the plan" and "do this on my own."
Stick to the plan?
Sigh.
I cannot explain well enough how sad this truly makes me. One of the issues that I'm dealing with in therapy is the overwhelming guilt I feel that I caused J undue emotional pain. He loved and continues to love Munchkin. He gladly would have parented her. I'll never forget the day that I told him that I was going to place her for adoption; it's stuck, forever, in my mind. I was sitting on the porch at my parent's house on a warm summer day. We were talking on the phone. He was at work (ambulance company). He had no response. I wondered why. I didn't understand how attached he had become to her until, weeks later, he had his head resting on my belly and she kicked him in the face. He looked at me with the most joyous face ever.
This is one guilt I'm just having a hard time letting go of… I'd do anything to protect my Husband from hurt. I recently became upset with a set of friends who unintentionally hurt my Husband. I don't want for him to be sad, hurt or feel neglected. I'd do anything for this Man. And… I hurt him on a level that no other person in this world was able or will be able to do.
And it wasn't even my own idea. Oh, J, I'm sorry.
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.