It's everywhere. It's almost like Britney Spears but less trashy. (Oh, snap.) Claud recently touched on the subject of the prevalence of adoption related things in the media and everyday life. Medical history at the doctor's office. Casual conversation in the office. Or, if you're like me, you get to watch television all day and participate in live newscasts where we only hear the bad, the ugly and the horrific of firstparents. Sometimes adoption is so "in my face" that I can't breathe. It's times like those that I need to step away… but, if I step away during a live newscast, we go off the air, folks. And then my Boss would be none too happy.
It happens to me a lot, this random mentioning of adoption. A Mommy Blog that I normally read that is non-adoption-content had a big ole post about how her cousins adopted a baby from China. She said nothing rude in her post but some of the comments made me want to hurl myself out of the window. "Adoption is always so wonderful!" No, no it's not always wonderful. There can be a bad apple in the bunch. Or the whole darned thing can be rotten. It just depends on how the orchard is taken care of by the people. Mmmm, metaphors.
Beyond newscasts which I cannot escape from, adoption smacks me in the face while reading my parenting magazines. Parents. American Baby. All of them, every month, have at least some mention of adoption. sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's okay. And sometimes it smacks of so much stereotyping that I throw the darned magazine across the bathroom. Literally. TheHusbandMan knocks to ask what was wrong; he all ready knows but is making sure I didn't fall in or off the toilet.
On Mother's Day at church, my first Mother's Day being acknowledged as a Full On Mommy, I trying to enjoy my day. It's bittersweet. I spoke of that fact. But there was a woman who asked for prayer. She and her Husband were going through their final attempt at IVF. And so, my mind got to wandering: What if it doesn't work? What if they then decide to adopt? What if they decide to adopt domestically? What if she asks for prayer for THAT while I'm sitting in this sanctuary? What if she starts spouting about how good and wonderful adoption is? AHHHHHHHHHHH! I was just trying to have a nice morning. Believe me, I prayed that woman would get pregnant. Just so I don't have to deal with more adoption in a place that is usually "safe" for me. (Church for those who can't follow my writing.)
And, sigh, my Mother. I haven't written about this here because I have not yet processed this information even though it's been a long time coming. My parents are in the process of adopting an older child from foster care. They fostered in 2004; J was in all of our wedding pictures. He was a part of our family and our hearts but, now, he is gone. After J left, Mom and Dad got certified to adopt instead of just foster. I cannot explain to you how hard it is for me to listen to my Mom sometimes as she talks about this process or that process or waiting or wanting or helping a child or… I can't go on. It hurts me, a lot, to hear her talk about it but I want to be supportive. I know that this is what she wants and has wanted for a long time. So I keep it to myself. Apparently my therapist finds this unhealthy. I'll try to start writing about it here… just… eh.
It's everywhere to me. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. Thankfully I have this outlet, this cathartic dump, where I can come, make absolutely no sense and have people pat me on the head and say, "It's okay. We understand."
Somedays, I just want to be a Mom. And only a Mom.
No hype, no gloss, no pretense
Just me
Mom.
