When I was pregnant with Munchkin, a lot of people went out of their way to tell me that a child deserved two parents and their undivided attention. What they meant was they deserved a Daddy who made lots of money so that Mommy could stay home. And, really, what they meant by that was, “You can’t give a child that so you aren’t worthy.”

I knew I had to work. Even after placing Munchkin, I had to work. There were bills that needed paid. I had to eat. And really, once I got into my career field, not even six months after she was born, I loved working. One thing that drew me to J and D was the fact that D was planning to stay home with the kid(s) for awhile. I wanted my child to have that undivided attention.

Then J and I made the decision to conceive BigBrother. And I said, loud and clear, I would be a successful “working” Mother. (Don’t we all work?) Well, to make a long story short, I just turned in my two week notice at a job I honestly love (minus some issues) to become a Work at Home Mom.

No one told me when I was pregnant with Munchkin that I could work at home. No one said, “Hey, you’re computer literate. You could do a thousand and one things from home.” I was constantly reminded what a bad Mother I would be to the Munchkin because I would have to leave her in daycare all the time just to go work.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited that we’ve found a way for me to stay home with our Son. I think it’s awesome and I’m thrilled to the max. I am, honestly, going to miss my job because it was something that I loved and something that I was darn good at. But I’m also a good Mother.

And I’m just frustrated. These things existed in 2003. But everyone told me I would be an awful Mommy for working outside the home. And now I’m working inside our own home. And I feel like I cheated the Munchkin. Again. Always. Forever.

In response to my letter to Dateline, I get this response:

You said to Dateline: You had a few issues regarding appropriate, non-coercive language that you should take note of for future stories. You should not refer to an expectant Mother as a birthmother prior to her signing of the Termination of Parental Rights. Even “potential birthmother” is taking it a step too far. She is, for all legal rights and purposes, the only Mother of that unborn (or, once born, living) child until those papers are signed. She needs to be respected with proper titles until that time.

Me: Ya know I adopted my son six years ago. I was on the adoption path MANY years before that. Amazingly THIS discussion hasn’t changed one iota in that many years. It’s the same ole same ole.

Wanna know why nothing has changed? I can tell you. MONEY

Yup that’s right. MONEY

Six plus years ago until today we still have the same problem built into the adoption system in our country. Expectant Mother’s who “for all legal rights and purposes are the ONLY Mother of the unborn child” still keep accessing the services for ADOPTION paid for by ADOPTIVE parents even though the expectant parents are the ones who are also RESPONSIBLE for ALL of the care and decisions for their child. When the expectant parent crosses the threshold into the services provided by (funded by) potential adoptive parents they are choosing to allow SOMEONE ELSE to pay for their RESPONSIBILITY to finance their own CONSIDERATION of what is best for their child.

That “simply considering placement” is a VERY costly service.

Wanna make a difference? Wanna LEAD the way? Wanna affect adoption on a NATIONAL level as you are attempting to do with dealing with Dateline?
Here’s what you do: Go back to every single adoption resource (counselling? Legal? Transportation? Advertising? etc) you used and ask them for a bill for the services you utilized. Tell them that when you were utilizing their services from the first point of contact until the very MOMENT you signed away your parental rights that YOU and only YOU are responsible as the ONLY Mother to your child to PAY for the services you utilized for your child.

Then… get out your checkbook and pony up to YOUR responsiblities as her Mother. Believe me you won’t think the consideration is so simple when you have to pay for it. That simple consideration in my son’s adoption was about EIGHTY percent of a 25K bill.

Next begin the process of a NATIONAL campaign to get other “for all legal rights and purposes, the only Mother of that unborn (or, once born, living) child” to do the same. Tell them to STOP expecting total strangers who have NOTHING to do with the ONLY Mother’s responsibility of “simply considering placement” to flip the bill.

You want all the respect and proper titles? Well RESPONSIBILITY comes along with that. You can’t have one without the other. You can’t foot stomp and banner wave your rights when you are not assuming your FULL responsibility. Get adoptive parents OUT of the “simply considering adoption” part of the equation and I guarantee you will get immediate respect and proper titles. When their responsibility only begins when your ends there won’t be a single stitch of confusion.

I promise.

(Name withheld.)

Anyone else cussing right now? Thanks. I paid for my medical bills (or over what Medicaid didn’t cover). J and D WERE charged for counseling that I DID NOT receive but that falls back on the unethical agency (ANLC), now doesn’t it?

So, in short, get your head out of your own rear end and wise up. In a thread where I’m trying to debunk sweeping generalizations, you want to make HUGE generalizations about ME when you don’t know me from Eve? Learn my story. Then talk to me. Until the, STFU.

Some people.