The Visit Dreams are Made Of
I can’t figure out how to explain this visit. I’ve erased three different posts in process thus far because it gets all jumbled. How do you properly explain everything that happened? How do I explain that simply looking at her makes me want to spin circles and sob for hours all at the same time, in the same breath? How do I explain how hearing her say my name, over and over just to make sure that I was still there, made my heart swell with love and pride and simultaneously break? How do I explain how I was in a constant state of overwhelming emotion but in a mostly good way? How do I explain how seeing my two children interact, well on the most part, made me feel like a failure as a Mother? How do I put words to how I felt when I told her to come “say goodbye” and she got very angry and said, “No! Say Sit! SAY SIT!”? How do I explain the joy I felt in taking her for a walk, alone, on the beach and having a woman come up to us and ask me if I wanted to show my daughter… MY DAUGHTER… a jellyfish? How do I explain the guilt that comes with not correcting the woman and letting her believe that I was more than just a firstmother? How do I adequately explain how it felt to carry her in the Mei Hip carrier? You know I love babywearing but never got to do so when she was a wee-one. And now, I’ve experienced it; I’ve got to do something that I thought I would never get to do in regards to my own child. How do I explain how watching her swim, by herself in the pool, for the first time made me feel? I witnessed a first! How do I explain how watching her jump waves for the first time with her daddy made me feel short of breath as I remembered jumping waves with my Mom and Dad… and felt a pang of sadness that I wasn’t standing out there with her? How do I explain how my heart shattered when she started singing Kelly Clarkson from her car seat behind me? She sings, folks. Not like little kid yell-singing. She really, truly sings. Proper notes and intonation. She got that from me. And I don’t get to witness it or help her form it. It hurts. But I’m so very, very glad that she has that gift.
It was the visit that dreams are made of; the kind of visit that agencies tell expectant Mothers that they will get to have and, sadly, it just doesn’t happen for the most part. We bonded on this trip. She grabbed my hand and took me places. She told me she loved me. She asked for me when I wasn’t visible and after I left. She gave me good morning and goodnight kisses. She was never weird, as in stranger danger, with me or with Baby BigBrother, as she called him the entire time… except for once when she called him My Baby BigBrother and Sweetheart. While she’s never been strange with me, she’s been wary for the first day or two, staying close to Mommy and Daddy. She laid on my chest. She sat on my lap. She held my hand. She petted my hair. She made me feel important. She made me feel loved. She brought me some more of the peace that I have been needing.
Needless to say, this visit was much better than the last time. I feel no need for a break. In fact, if I could go visit again next weekend, I would. In a heartbeat. Some other great things were spending so much alone time with D. Since all three children are, for the most part, sleeping through the night now, D and I got to take walks at night and just spend some alone time together as friends. I felt that we bonded on new levels as well. We asked each other some harder questions and were honest with each other. It was good for the two of us to have that time; it was a bit of healing after a not-so-good visit right after BigBrother and JD were born. I’ve decided that firstparents should wait until their newborns are sleeping through the night to have a visit with their child’s family. Sleep deprivation and raging, changing hormones aren’t conducive to easy visits.
There are things from this visit that I hope stay with me long after Munchkin has blessed the family with children and grandchildren. Beyond that, J told his paternal side of the family about Munchkin. I can now put pictures of her wherever I want. I can now say that my Son has a sister.
I now feel complete.
Bonding, Making Memories, My Two Children, Open Adoption, Picture Posts | Jenna | August 23, 2006
I’m so glad you got to have this visit. I pray that more of them are like this for you.
On a side note, Rick and Sandy(JoJo’s a-parents) say hi, and they hope you are doing well.
Huggles. : )
WOW…sounds like an incredible visit. I am thrilled for you.
I agree, so many entangling emotions…I am glad that you got to bond with D.
What a beautiful photo. You are so lucky to have visits and a close relationship with D, I hope more and more adoptions will be like this.
I do understand that doesn’t make it pain free, it doesn’t take away your loss, it’s not better than having her yourself and it comes with it’s own baggage.
Coming from a closed adoption where they reneged on sending one letter once a year, this seems so unreal to me. I am happy that you get to see her grow up. She’s a beautiful girl, and how wonderful that she has inherited your vocal talent.
I’m glad this visit went better than the “not-so-good” one and that you got to spend the time with Munchkin and D. I think visits will always bring that mix of good/sad/bittersweet emotions for all members in an adoption.
And I’m so, so glad Husband told his family about her.
Beautiful, Jenna. I understand… and yet I really do not. It is a level of familiarity I can only dream of. Yes, that is the visit dreams are made of.
OH that made me weepy just hearing it from you…how good!!
Yeah, for Jenna!! Yeah for Munchkin!!
What a sweet post and lovely photo! I am so happy that you had this visit, and pray for many more to follow.
lovely.
I went and looked at the flickr pictures — she is so beautiful! (as are you!!)
:)
This is an absolutely beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing. I love the picture of the two of you holding hands.
Jenna,
I think you did a great job of explaining it all. I am so pleased for you to have had such a wonderful visit. Bittersweet is the word that always comes to mind for me when I think of reunion - which seems a great deal like open adoption.