The Chronicles of Munchkin Land » Blog Archive » I Can’t Even Think of a Subject that Doesn’t Contain a Cuss Word

In response to my letter to Dateline, I get this response:

You said to Dateline: You had a few issues regarding appropriate, non-coercive language that you should take note of for future stories. You should not refer to an expectant Mother as a birthmother prior to her signing of the Termination of Parental Rights. Even “potential birthmother” is taking it a step too far. She is, for all legal rights and purposes, the only Mother of that unborn (or, once born, living) child until those papers are signed. She needs to be respected with proper titles until that time.

Me: Ya know I adopted my son six years ago. I was on the adoption path MANY years before that. Amazingly THIS discussion hasn’t changed one iota in that many years. It’s the same ole same ole.

Wanna know why nothing has changed? I can tell you. MONEY

Yup that’s right. MONEY

Six plus years ago until today we still have the same problem built into the adoption system in our country. Expectant Mother’s who “for all legal rights and purposes are the ONLY Mother of the unborn child” still keep accessing the services for ADOPTION paid for by ADOPTIVE parents even though the expectant parents are the ones who are also RESPONSIBLE for ALL of the care and decisions for their child. When the expectant parent crosses the threshold into the services provided by (funded by) potential adoptive parents they are choosing to allow SOMEONE ELSE to pay for their RESPONSIBILITY to finance their own CONSIDERATION of what is best for their child.

That “simply considering placement” is a VERY costly service.

Wanna make a difference? Wanna LEAD the way? Wanna affect adoption on a NATIONAL level as you are attempting to do with dealing with Dateline?
Here’s what you do: Go back to every single adoption resource (counselling? Legal? Transportation? Advertising? etc) you used and ask them for a bill for the services you utilized. Tell them that when you were utilizing their services from the first point of contact until the very MOMENT you signed away your parental rights that YOU and only YOU are responsible as the ONLY Mother to your child to PAY for the services you utilized for your child.

Then… get out your checkbook and pony up to YOUR responsiblities as her Mother. Believe me you won’t think the consideration is so simple when you have to pay for it. That simple consideration in my son’s adoption was about EIGHTY percent of a 25K bill.

Next begin the process of a NATIONAL campaign to get other “for all legal rights and purposes, the only Mother of that unborn (or, once born, living) child” to do the same. Tell them to STOP expecting total strangers who have NOTHING to do with the ONLY Mother’s responsibility of “simply considering placement” to flip the bill.

You want all the respect and proper titles? Well RESPONSIBILITY comes along with that. You can’t have one without the other. You can’t foot stomp and banner wave your rights when you are not assuming your FULL responsibility. Get adoptive parents OUT of the “simply considering adoption” part of the equation and I guarantee you will get immediate respect and proper titles. When their responsibility only begins when your ends there won’t be a single stitch of confusion.

I promise.

(Name withheld.)

Anyone else cussing right now? Thanks. I paid for my medical bills (or over what Medicaid didn’t cover). J and D WERE charged for counseling that I DID NOT receive but that falls back on the unethical agency (ANLC), now doesn’t it?

So, in short, get your head out of your own rear end and wise up. In a thread where I’m trying to debunk sweeping generalizations, you want to make HUGE generalizations about ME when you don’t know me from Eve? Learn my story. Then talk to me. Until the, STFU.

Some people.

Ummmm . . . honestly?! My first response, me who is also not trying to cuss was:

WHAT THE FUCK?!!

idiot.

Fucking moron…when I can get back on the forums I’ll be doing some serious ass kicking.

Jackass.

Dude. Kick all the ass you want. I’m riled.

OK.

Talk about not being articulate.

That is exactly the type of woman who gives adoptive parents a bad image. I choose to believe that she’s not representative of adoptive mothers. I choose to believe that most adoptive mothers (myself included) aren’t out in Internet Land making asses of ourselves and pissing off firstmothers, adoptees, and whoever else by acting like God’s chosen because we are parenting by adoption. Whoopdedoo. It’s another way of parenting, folks. Thank you, now move along.

I don’t even know what to say to this Name Withheld who has spoken to someone who has taught me so much about firstmotherhood. I am appalled that Name Withheld is ranting and raving about firstmothers “ponying up” and paying for the services they received before the adoption placement. Excuse me, but exactly what does she think motivates most firstmothers to make placements for their children in the first place?? IF they had the kind of money to pay this and that agency instead of she and her husband paying for adoption services, doesn’t she think that they might be able to parent their child instead??? And like Jenna has stated, how dare she assume that all firstmothers are sitting on their butts and waiting for others to foot the bill for medical and all other expenses!! When she knows NOTHING, NOTHING about the firstmother to whom she is writing!

Is Name Withheld bitter about any expenses incurred in adopting her child? It seems to be a strange thing to focus on, after all this time.

And now I have to go and pay attention to my son who is the most priceless thing in this world.

Jenna, I am sorry that you have to deal with such hate when you advocate for adoption reform so beautifully.

And now, because I’m a freak, I’m correcting myself:

“Itâ€™s another way of parenting, folks.” NO, what I meant to say (I type/speak before the ideas are formulated correctly. My bad. ALL THE TIME, my bad). It’s another way of becoming a parent.

OK, now you can move along, folks.

I’m so sorry, Jenna.

From another bio mom who did NOT accept medical expenses or living expenses, and yet was still labeled a “birthmother” pre-birth.

I, too, took nothing from Baby M’s parents. The fee they paid went towards agency crap, nothing went into my pocket or towards my medical bills.

Baby M’s parents, did of their own good will AFTER placement, pay for some of the delivery costs…but that was THEIR decision. I didnt ask.

The angency I placed through is non-profit, so as far as I know JoJo’s a-parents didn’t pay a fee to use their services. They did however send me a personal check for a guestimated amount equal to the week of work I missed, and added some into the check for me to buy new clothing since we found out about JoJo so late and I never had any maternity things.

To this day, Rick and Sandy have been a great financial help to Tyler and I. Birthday gift cards,Christmas gift cards,Anniversary,Moving, you name it, we’ve probably gotten a gift card for it. The difference between us and the spew no name is throwing out is that Rick and Sandy do it out of love, not just for JoJo, but for us. They know we have had, and still have it rough, and we tell them constantly that we appreciate their generosity and frankly, their help.

Without them..there were times we would have starved. But they are FAMILY, and they do what they can to help us get by. We have so many reasons to love them…. :) End ramble.

Oh, Cristal… Non-profits still charge. Just thought you should know.

Sigh.

The things we’re not told.

At first, I didn’t realize it was the response- it was so unprofessional and hate-filled.

Yikes!

Paragraphein~
I actually just learned the difference between for profit and non profit this weekend. Funny how things like this come about huh? It wasn’t something I wasn’t told, just something I assumed about what non-profit means.

The agencies site actually states very clearly that adoptive parent fees pay for the processing,counseling they go through, and that all the counseling that the expectant mothers go through is paid for by donations.

Thanks for the heads up though, if I hadn’t just dicussed it with my mother in law, I wouldn’t have known the difference!! : )

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