We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through. -Emily Perl Kingsley

Well, hmm.

When I placed the Munchkin for adoption, I was not thinking to myself, “You know, I’ll be really great at this birth mom thing and then I’ll be able to tell others how to do it right.” No. When I got pregnant with the Munchkin, I was not thinking to myself, “You know, I probably got pregnant because I’m supposed to have a really tumultuous pregnancy and then place my child for adoption all so I can support other women in similar situations!” No. No. With every new step we make through our uncharted territory of fully open adoptions, I don’t think to myself, “You know, I’m doing this for the ones who come after me, so that they know what to expect!” No. No…

It wasn’t like that. And yet it’s turned into something vaguely similar. The quote makes me think.

If I would have had an ethical adoption with an agency that legitimately cared about my well-being, both physically and emotionally, would I be speaking out? Obviously, from the stories of others, unethical adoptions happen. If I had been lucky enough to find a decent agency or lawyer, been supported in both parenting and placement and still come to the conclusion to place, would I be a voice? Or would I be sitting in my desk chair, oblivious?

Perhaps that is why I meet some resistance from other birth parents and adoptive parents. Maybe their adoptions were fully sound and ethical. In fact, I hope that they were! But at the same time, don’t you want to know if something not-so-good is going on in a world that you associate yourself with on a daily basis? If injustices are happening to people whom are somehow connected to you, don’t you want to foster change?

I know some people who truly don’t believe that coercion happens in this millenium. I wonder about them at times when I’m dwelling on this subjectry. Are they trying to hide some emotion that they don’t want to come to terms with? Do they need to believe that and shout it from every possible mountain top to thus justify their own place in the adoption world? Or are they truly that blind to research, personal accounts and the blathering advertising all over the internet? It’s confusing.

I’ve digressed. See, no coherence right now.

None of this is what I would have planned for myself, envisioned in my future as I started to form my own life goals and aspirations. God, I’d gladly give up this ache in my heart to have never gone through the emotional mess caused by adoption. I’d gladly slip back into a world where adoption is something that other people do and, of course, it must be good because good people are getting children. Oh, oblivious bliss!

So, to return to the initial question. Why am I here?

Obviously, I can’t change anything about the past. I can dwell as I sometimes do but nothing is going to change. Things can’t be undone. I’ll never return to the naive young woman of years past. So, I need to make the most of what I’ve got in front of me. Right?

Well, I’ve done that in our adoption. I’ve worked hard. I’ve created a good relationship with my daughter’s parents. We not only talk the talk of open adoption but we walk the walk.

Is that all? Should I be doing more? And how? With what? Just my words? And with my words, in what fashion? Obviously, I don’t want to be cruel and hateful, though I feel that way sometimes. (And I’ll never, ever speak a kind word about ANLC.) When I use them in positive ways, people berate me. When I use them in negative ways, people berate me. What is my voice? What are my words?

I didn’t answer my question.

It’s time for choir (oh, a voice!). But I want another tattoo… right now. To think.