I made mention, previously, as to how I told a group of mothers that I didn’t know very well that I was a birth mother. I don’t normally do this. Or, rather, in the past, this hasn’t been the “norm.” I usually am quite picky as to the decision of telling versus not telling. I wait, sometimes too long, to reveal the fact that I do, in fact, have another child who is being raised 800 miles away by amazing parents that I chose for her berfore she was born. I tried something new this time. And I doubt I’ll be going this route again for quite some time.
It was at the PlayGroup that BigBrother and I started attending at the end of January. A MommyFriend of mine from the Library StoryTime class attended and invited us, so we started to go. We were all sitting around the snack table, discussing labor and delivery. I had just told my story of pre-ecclampsia induction and one mother asked the dreaded question.
So is he your only child?
I felt my blood run cold. I hate the question. It makes me confused. It makes me feel inferior. And it makes me angry. All at once. To be honest, in the past, I’ve skirted the topic and said, “Yes, he’s our first.” Note the word “our.” Technically, he is “our” first, when referring to children that I have conceived with my Husband. However, I’m tired of living under false-presense and basic lies. I’m tired of feeling as though I’m denying the existence of my daughter: I am not ashamed of her and I refuse to be made to feel as if I should be. And so, I answered.
No, I had a daughter that I placed for adoption a few years before he was born but he is the first with my Husband, yes.
Or some variation thereof, which included stuttering, no eye-contact and basically all the symptoms of a major heart attack. (Panic attack much?) The subject was changed after my revelation to something else, which I can’t remember because I had that ringing in my ears that accompanies my panic attacks. However, I was able to make small talk for the rest of the time at PlayGroup and left with a decent feeling.
Decent feeling is over.
It’s been a few weeks since my moment of truth around a table full of eating toddlers. Quite a few Mommies had not been at PlayGroup that day because of the inclement weather. Well, apparently, in my opinion, word has gotten around that I am akin to a leper.
Yesterday, minus MommyFriend who was having her own struggles with her daughter that day and couldn’t just stand by my side, not one Mommy said hello to me. I said hi to two or three. No smile. No “hello,” “hi,” or even a glimpse at my child. I thought maybe I had spoken too quietly. Or maybe those particular three Mommies were having bad days. As the PlayGroup waned on, no one made a move to talk to me. They sat in a small circle, ignoring their children, one of whom (four years old) took to knocking over my fifteen month old son.
I held out for an hour. After we had craft, in which I sat for ten minutes at a table with these women who still refused to make eye contact or answer a question when I answered, I had enough. I let BigBrother play for a few minutes while I decided whether or not to make a scene or just simply leave.
I just left. I put BigBrother’s coat on. I put my coat on. I was so angry I couldn’t even wrap my scarf correctly. On the way out the door, the Mommy who had asked the question about other children on that fateful day was walking back in the room from the restroom. I smiled. She did not.
And people wonder why I constantly feel silenced. I hate being made to feel inferior or shameful because I have placed a child for adoption. I am tired of it.
TheHusbandMan is quite peeved. He said he’s going to take BigBrother to PlayGroup next week. I don’t think that he’s serious: he’s angry that people treat me this way and hates to see me hurt.
I’m most angry because my Son was FINALLY learning to socialize. He wasn’t clinging to me when we got there and was actively deciding to play amongst other children. Due to the size of our city, there are no other options for a social experience (other than Library which we will continue to go to… and hope that by the time he hits the preschool class (2.5) the snobs will have moved up to the next one as well).
Maybe they didn’t like my hair. Or maybe they didn’t like my nose ring. Or maybe they didn’t like that I was, on average, ten years younger than them. Or maybe they didn’t like my car. Or my jeans. Or my shirt. Or my glasses. Or my necklace. Or maybe it was about adoption and my leper like status. Either way, this isn’t high school. Grow up.
You can’t “catch” birthmotherhood. You won’t be forced to place your child just because you associate with a birth mother. You won’t be socially stigmatized just because you were kind to a birth mother or, gasp, made friends with someone who placed her child.
By the way: Christian play group. Sigh.
23 Responses to “SnibSnubbery”
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Twitter: thiswomanswork
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I’m angry on your behalf. Bravo to you for “coming out” and confronting ignorant stereotypes. I’m sorry that too many people aren’t evolved enough to let go of those stereotypes.
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Oh (((((((Jenna and BigBrother)))))) I am so sorry. And it’s not the pity kinda sorry either. I am sickened and angry sorry that people like this continue to be able to live and function without an ounce of empathy in their bones. I really don’t understand it either. I wish that I lived close because you and BigBrother would be welcome into our little playgroup, which right now consists of me, my Bug and my Roo. I walked out of the playgroup last week too, because I guess, the story of how my children came to me is too much for them too. Sick and angry. Shame on them. And pity on them for not expanding their world a little. Yeah, that about says it.
And I’m starting my own. I am a Pastor to Children and Families and it will be a place, if I have anything to do about it, where all stories have a safe place to be told. I know I need a place like that myself.
Hugs to you… and to BigBrother. ANd go gettum Husband!!!!!
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I don’t even know what to say… Many e-hugs. That’s just horrible. I wish I could say something better.
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As I talk with some other mothers, not necessarily touched by adoption, I’m finding out that attitudes like these are widely spread throughout the playgroup world.
And now I’m pondering the “Why” of that fact.
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This is why I am too scared to get involved in ANY playgroups.
Birthmotherhood has just reinforced my natural hermit nature.
Though I’m not sure about people “not being socially stigmatized because they’re kind to/friends with a birth mother.” Really. I’ve seen countless adoptive moms dragged through the mud, in online discussion forums, just because they actually listen to us and find some merit in our perspectives.
Actually I kind of think the social stigma we live with DOES radiate out and affect those near us.
BLEH.
And some people deny there even IS a stereotype or stigma… yeah, RIGHT.
(Hugs) Jenna.
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So disappointing. People like that should have to answer to their own behavior — I wonder what they’d have done had you made the scene. I’m sorry you were made to feel anything less than honest to yourself and your daughter. Such unevolved and ignorant people aren’t the folks you’d want as friends anyway. And frankly, I’d imagine you wouldn’t want them to be mothers to the children your son will call friends. Take comfort in knowing that you are beyond their close-minded thinking and both of your children — thanks to your efforts — will grow up much more forward-thinking and accepting of those around them. The fact that it’s Christian-based just makes it all the more infuriating. Seems they have lessons to learn on loving. As we navigate the complexity of adoption — no matter which part we play — it’s truth, honesty and openness that ultimately move us forward. Keep on keeping on, Jenna. You are stronger than all of them. I’d love to hear that Husband goes next week. You two are the united front.
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Nicole; that is a good point that there ARE adoptive moms who are drug through the mud simply because they find merit in what we offer. Good point. Blah. I hate the stigma. Though, it wasn’t like I was trying to make these women subscribe to my reform ideas. I was simply present. GAH to THEM.
Gretchen; thanks for your encouragement and kind words. I do take comfort in knowing that my compassion is 9430976 times better than theirs… but my heart still aches for other mothers that they will shun because of any differences that they bring to the table, you know? It’s unfair. And mean. :( Boo to meanies.
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That is just disgusting and so infuriating that they would behave and treat you like that especially what bothers me is that they’re a christian playgroup. The way I understand what it is to be Christian is apparently far different than their understanding here.
I’m so sorry that this happened.
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Not what Christianity is IMHO. They don’t deserve you. I know that doesn’t take the hurt and sting away, I’m sure it doesn’t. And my un-Christian-like impulse is that I’d like to go and bitch-slap the worst of the offenders of them. Ooooo, my bad. Well, church is tomorrow.
It’s so awful that they acted like that. I hate that. They didn’t even give themselves a chance to see the wonderful beautiful Jenna who can offer so much to their playgroup.
I’m just so sorry that it hurts you and affects BigBrother too. Big squishy *hugs*
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I am sure that your mentioning the placement didn’t help things, but if it helps at all I am always ALWAYS made to feel out of place/disliked because I am young, hip, and pierced.
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I am so angry right now I can barely see straight. And that is not Christian at all. If you were a member of the playgroup at my husband’s family’s church, I can tell you right now that would not have happened. I am so furious I can barely see straight.
No you can’t “catch birthmotherhood” as you said, but you sure can catch ignorance, arrogance and stupidity. It seems like that was running rampant through that group. Too bad there’s no vaccine. Fools.
I’m sorry.
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All I can say to that is move here and you son can play with mine. I CANNOT believe that in this day and age stuff like this still happens. While being on the other side of the fence as an A-mom, I had the same thing happen to me when we brought home our almost now 2 mo old son when he was about 10 days old. Our older son is in a Catholic school “Mommy and Me” program and I was reluctant to say he was adopted, but when we were out of state and came home with our infant, well, obviously I wasn’t pg. The moms have TOTALLY changed their attitude towards me and my son. They had the nerve to try to portray every stereotype possible from bad Lifetime movies they saw on a Saturday when instead they should have been playing with their kids! Ugh. Honestly, Jenna, I would go back. I would go back and keep going back. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You have 2 beautiful children. And you are proud of it. And if these women can’t handle it, screw them. Don’t let them make you shy away. Ugh. I am so mad for you.
{{{Hugs}}}
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Jenna, I am so sorry you had to experience this. Shame on those women.
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Oh Oh me me! I almost spilled to my playgroup but I didn’t. I was a chicken. They were all talking about adoption. The parent educator adopted from Korea. My husband happened to be there to hold my hand through it.
I’m a youth pastor and my husband is a pastor so I mean this in the nicest way possible. Christians suck. They have been the absolute worst about accepting me as a birth mother. How come Christians are all for adoption but shun the birthmother after? I’m trying to change their judgmental attitudes, but it is almost impossible. So I work on their teens ïŠ
I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I know how hard it is to be judged like that and have everyone turn their back on you. It takes time for people to come around. I’d go back, they can’t ignore you forever can they, and then you have won. Maybe you can change their attitude? Who knows?
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(((HUGS))) I’ve had that happen. Which is why I haven’t been too any playgroups in my area. I just don’t understand people’s reactions. I guess we are suppose to be ashamed and hide the fact we have another child. The problem is with them, not you!
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Jenna,
This is riduculous! I cannot believe they could be that immature. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope Husband does take BigBrother next week and I hope he gives them a piece of his mind.
I wish we lived closer. Cameron and I would play with you and BigBrother.
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Ugh! I’m so sorry. We want to tell to help fight the stereotypes and stigma, but reactions like that just make it so hard. I also agree that you should try to keep going. Kill them with kindness.
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Jenna I am so sorry you had to go through that. Those women are sad. I wish we could be in a playgroup with you!
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Just saw this today. I really, really wish that I lived close enough to you so I could take BigBrother to play group. I would love to get a hold of some of those mothers. They must have never read the part in the bible about throwing the first stone. UGh!!
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UGH Seriously that is just the perfect picture of what is wrong with “Christians” in America. Grab a clue ladies, perhaps pick up your bible and read about compassion and grace. Oh and stop calling yourselves Christians.
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Oh, Jena, I’m so very sorry you’ve had this horrible experience! I want to walk into that room with you and tell those women to get over themselves!
Unfortunately, there’s a bit of snobbery in every playgroup. My husband…a stay-at-home dad…has told me that there was one playgroup where the women wouldn’t even talk to him…simply because he’s a man. Yet, when I attend the same playgroup with our son, I was smiled at and included…simply because I’m a woman. Needless to say, both of us stopped taking our son to that particular playgroup. We found another group with much friendlier participants.
I know this isn’t at all the same but I’m reminded of the very first baby group I ever attended was sponsored by a hospital. I attended it with Snuggle Bug when he was a newborn. I was the newest member that day, so when I was introduced, all eyes were on me. The dreaded question came…”what was your delivery experience like?” I froze for a minute, not sure what to say, then I just blurted out, “I didn’t give birth to my son. We’re in the process of adopting him!”
I waited anxiously as a shocked silence settled around me. I could see the mothers processing what I had said. Thankfully, one woman took it upon herself to graciously welcome me to the group and after that things were fine.
I just wish that first mothers weren’t made to feel inferior or shameful because they’ve placed their child for adoption.
Jena, don’t give up on finding a non-judgmental playgroup. They are out there! Not all mothers are like that!
Hey, I wonder if you could start your own group…just for first mothers who are now parenting. You could create a flyer and post it in the libraries, in bookstores, wherever you’re allowed. Just a thought!
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Oops, it’s late and I’ve just realized that I’ve typed the spelling of your name incorrectly twice. Sorry, Jenna!
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Long time lurker, sorry, just had to comment.
Those freakin’ snobs. I hate playgroups. It is like high school clicks all over again. They alienate anyone that is not EXACTLY like them. I have two kids with autism, did you know I stopped even getting birthday invites and playdate calls? Gosh forbid you do something different than Buffy, Muffy and Phoebe and all three of their boys named Husbandua. Know what I think? PBLTTTT!!!! To them.
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