Dear Me 2003
Posted: February 26, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Dear 2003 Me,
I know you think you know everything right now. Twenty-one is that magic age where all of the knowledge of the world enters your brain thus making the rest of the world magically stupid and therefore useless to you in any way, shape or form. However, let me be the first to tell you: you don’t know jack. Your world is about to be turned upside down. Sit down. Shut up. And listen.
I’m taking this to the point where things are already somewhat out of our control. I’m not taking us back to 1997 in order to avoid meeting Lincoln. I’m not taking us back to 1999 to avoid reconnecting with him via e-mail. I’m not even going back to the decisions that lead us to sleep with him on that fateful night. Nope. Newsflash: You’re knocked up and you’re going to be alone. Here’s what you need to do.
For the love of all things everywhere, don’t call a single adoption agency. I know, I know. You think that simply contacting them for information won’t do you any harm. You think that learning about all of your options will help you make a better decision. Let me tell you, having lived it, you’re wrong. The agency that you are thinking about contacting is so highly adept at manipulation that you will have no ability to get out from under their grasp. Stay away. Don’t do it. As for what to do?
Please talk to Mom and Dad. Yes, they’re being angry, grumpy, sometimes down-right-mean and not really nice. Tell them that you want Matthew’s old crib. Tell them to help you buy a car seat. Because, here’s the fact: within the week, you’re going to be hospitalized with a kidney disorder that will put you out of function for the duration of your pregnancy. The agency that you’re kicking around in your mind will seem like the only option because you, Mom and Dad are not talking about any options available to you. Without money coming in, you will feel hopeless. But listen: so will Mom and Dad. By the time they get over their anger, you will have already contacted the agency and all will be lost. All that is wrong right now is a communication problem: a) you think they hate your child (they don’t) and b) they think you don’t want their help (you do but see point a). If you don’t make the move to fix the communication problem, neither will they. You won’t hear until three years after the fact how your mother regrets not fixing the problem herself. Be the bigger person and fix it yourself. You won’t regret it.
More over, don’t listen to stupid people on the internet who tell you not to involve TheHusbandMan in your decision. He is as involved in this pregnancy as anyone and truly, more that you will ever understand, loves that child. When he says, “Are you sure you want to do this,” say no. Don’t worry about what his family will say or think: like everyone else, they will come around to accepting you for who you are and what you bring to the table.
All of that said, by doing everything I have instructed you to do in this letter, you will miss out on having a great friend. Look up some blonde chick in Philadelphia. She has a lot of your interests and is, basically, your light-haired twin. I think you guys would be great friends.
Oh, and by the way, even if he says he doesn’t have money to pay child support, he’s still legally required to do so. Take him to court. Do what’s right for your daughter. She depends on you.
Sincerely,
2007 You
//
To my readers who aren’t 2003 me, obviously I understand that I can’t go back and change my decisions. But sometimes, you just need to say/type things out loud. What would you tell your pre-placement self?
The Discussion
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Thank you for this. A very powerful letter. Thank you again.
How interesting, I was thinking about you just yesterday, wondering (on behalf of expecting parents I may come into contact with because of my work), “what would Jenna or someone like her have done differently given the situation she was in?” I swear. Not even kidding. Thanks for answering my telekinetic question.
Em
Karen; thanks for the idea. :)
Em; I do have ESPN and ESPN2, ya know. ;) As I said, obviously I know that I can’t change anything. So that’s not the point of this letter. However, knowing things I know now, and stuff I’ve just learned by continuing to fix communication barriers with my Mother, I have a lot more insight into what went “wrong” in 2003.
You think that simply contacting them for information won’t do you any harm. You think that learning about all of your options will help you make a better decision. Let me tell you, having lived it, you’re wrong. The agency that you are thinking about contacting is so highly adept at manipulation that you will have no ability to get out from under their grasp. Stay away. Don’t do it. As for what to do?
HOLY Guac, Jenna. Wait till you hear my interview on the adoption show next sunday. I said these very words…
Hugs.
Hey Suz; can you be sure to link me ahead of time or remind me? My brain is so FRAZZLED with things lately. I don’t want to miss it, okay? Thanks. And you said Holy guac and that made me laugh so hard. I say that all the time. (I love guacamole…mmmmm)
[...] Inspired by Jenna’s letter. [...]
This resonates so much. So very much.
Oh Jenna. *sigh* Life’s hard lessons just shouldn’t be that hard.
~ J
Wow what a powerful post.
Very powerful letter. Thank you for sharing a part of your life. I was stunned to read about your experience with the adoption agency. So sorry you had that expereince. What a difficult decision to make
I always enjoy reading your posts… I really appreciate your perspective and I hope it makes me a more sensitive and understanding adoptive parent. I worry often for our daughter’s birth mother, who was only 15. Her mother whole-heartedly offered support and help but she still wanted to place. I know eventually she may (will) reach a point where she may wish she’d done things differently.
By the way, the pic on the top of your blog is absolutely priceless… both your little ones are beautiful.
Wow! This is really great. If only you could go back in time and follow your own advice…I know I’d have a few times in my life that I would love to do that.
Thanks for sharing.
“a) you think they hate your child (they don’t) and b) they think you don’t want their help (you do but see point ”
This part really clicked with me.
I think may be there should be more things in net for moms of expectant moms. I think may be they are the ones who can really help and do not know how to.
I did not tell my mom that I was pregnant for 5 months. And I guess I needed her,but I did not want her even ask me whether I considered abortion.
Now all is well.
I wish you could go back .