One of my Kids Has Four Parents, Too.
Posted: February 27, 2007 at 6:14 pmToday, on Blogging Baby, a very talented writer made a thought provoking, well-written, honest post about his daughter, parenting while separated and remarriage. To quote:
In 2003, two college kids got pregnant, freaked out, broke up, and had a baby (in that order). They fought, said nasty things, went to court, said more nasty things, and eventually wound up living a few blocks from one another – parenting a daughter while just barely speaking. Now, nearly four years later (and on considerably better terms), each has a new significant other, and the daughter lives in two houses, with one mom, one dad and two step-parents.
Oddly enough, she seems pretty normal.
I could write my own similar paragraph.
In 2003, two justoutofcollege kids got pregnant, fought, moved far, far apart, didn’t speak unless it was screaming and basically loathed one another. Eventually, due to circumstances that are too long for this paragraph, adoption was discussed. Eventually, a baby girl was born and parental rights were signed over to another couple. Open adoption commenced. Three years later, the little Munchkin understands where she came from (her birth mother) and associates both Mothers as a Mom. (Birth father has just begun working on his personal relationship, much to everyone’s excitement.)
Oddly enough, she seems normal enough as well.
I always get ticked off. “Aren’t you afraid you’re going to confuse the kid.” No, no we’re not. You know why? With the divorce rate as high as it is in this country, there are more children living lives between two homes than children living in one stable environment and simultaneously living open adoption. How is open adoption MORE confusing than divorce? It’s not. Divorce is usually NOT confusing for children living it, daily, because it is their reality. On the same exact token, open adoption is not normally confusing for children living it, daily, because it is their reality.
Had I parented the Munchkin, which we all know by this point is something that I could have done and should be have been encouraged to do, she would still have four parents, folks. Me and TheHusbandMan. Lincoln and his wife. Being the person I am, I would not have kept her from knowing her biological father, even if at the time of birth I thought he was the devil incarnate. I would have encouraged a relationship between the two of them (and even the wife that would have been a stepmother). We would have made it her reality. It would have been normal to her. It would have been her family, unique and somewhat different, but her family all the same.
In short, yep, the Munchkin has four parents. Nope, she’s not confused. Yep, her family makeup is different than yours. Nope, we don’t force her to call me (or Lincoln) Mom or Dad. Nope, we won’t force her to have visits or contact us if she goes through a phase where she wants her time and space. Yep, that will be hard. Yep, open adoption is hard.
Yep, she’s one amazing little girl and I’m pleased as punch to be able to be one of her mothers.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
See, to me closed adoption is more confusing than open adoption. As the mother of a child in a closed adoption, I think it’s harder for Nate to understand the concept of his first mother because she’s not present, there are sadly no pictures, there is nothing tangible for him to hold onto.
I think the way you’re involved in open adoption — a truly open adoption — is less confusing for the child. And yeah, she’s wonderful and amazing and she has a mess of people who love her. What the heck is confusing about that?!
I don’t want to get picky or anything, but I would think that Munchkin has more then 4 parents. I would consider Husband to be her “step birth parent” lol, that sounds funny. But really, he is so invovled in her life that it almost seems like he should have a role or something. :)
Husband is awsome!
Amen. When she a little girl, every Mother’s Day one of my stepdaughters would always on her own do two sets of art projects. Somehow she wasn’t confused by “this is for my mom, and this one’s for my step-mom”, but the ignorant feel free to impose their confusion on you.
Jane; We’ve long tried to think of what Husband’s title is.
No one, in the entire adoption world, has come up with a title for the spouse of a birth parent in an open adoption.
Beautifully written, Jenna!
I think we should challange the adoption community to come up with a name for people like Husband.
Jane; I don’t see it happening. The adoption community, in general, is resistant to change. Add into that fact that bonus idea that birth parents are loveable enough to marry and then people are going to have to reevaluate their entire hatred for our side of the triad.
Sigh.
Yep, open adoption isn’t confusing for the children involved at all. It’s only the adults who get confused.
[...] Refer to this post where I talk about confusion for children in open adoption. That said, let’s not forget that [...]