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If Your Child Divorces You, Are You Negated?

Minus trolldom, there were some interesting exchanges on the Respect? Pffft. post, (which has now been closed to comments). I think, for the most part, the genuine commenters of the thread (meaning, non-trolls who have valid opinions) all had the same idea at heart: wanting the best possible understanding of who-is-who for their child, birth parents and adoptive parents alike. A lot of argument went back to the semantics involved with what is and what is not a parent.

So I got to thinking in the shower, because I do my best thinking in the shower… because, most of the time, BigBrother is not running a Little People bus over my feet, like he is currently, when I’m in the shower. (Though, on days we need to save time, he’s throwing rubber ducks at my knees in the shower but this was not a time-saving day.)

What if, as an early teen, your child becomes insanely successful at something. What this “something” is doesn’t necessarily matter. They could become a famous singer, accomplished young athelete or the next big thing in art. Whatever this “something” is suddenly brings a lot of cash into your child’s life. And as adults we all know: mo’ money, mo’ problems. While you’re the parent and thus the legal guardian and, thus, allowed to do what you think is best with the money, teenagers know everything. Don’t they? (I sure did.) So, what if your teenager, now rolling in the money that you are controlling, decides that, hey, you’re not doing what he thinks is the right thing to be doing with his money. And then he divorces you. (Think Dominique Moceanu. Yes, that case show actual misues of the child’s money by the parents. However, if your child, who has the money, hires a good lawyer and takes you to court, remember that high priced lawyers are paid to make a spin story and make YOU look like the bad guy.)

So, you lose. Even though you’re an amazing parent who provided the opportunity for your child to BE famous and, thus, get rich at such a young age: you’ve been divorced. Legally, you are no longer the legal guardian of your child. Your rights to dictate your child’s life are thus eliminated. Legally emancipated. You now have no say over your child’s life.

Does that eliminate your role as parent for all time? Does it negate everything you have ever done? Does it remove the emotions (not the angry ones at having been divorced by your own child, but the good, loving ones) that you have for your child? Does it eliminate just about everything you’ve ever done for your child?

Nope. You cannot erase the past, can you? You can’t have a judge sign a paper that says you are no longer the legal guardian of your child and just magically feel absolutely no emotion towards said child. Your memory is not washed clean of their presence, ala Men in Black. The piece of paper doesn’t erase anything that you have thought or felt for the child, does it?

So why does the TPR magically erase our role as a mother or a father to our children? No, we won’t be making any decisions from the time that paper is signed. But a lot of us had nine months, or more, to bond with our child, make appropriate parenting decisions (which, by the way, included choosing who would parent that child… think about it…) and act as a parent in every possible way. The piece of paper does not negate those nine months (or more for those who had their children with them for the decision making process). The piece of paper doesn’t magically erase our emotional attachment to our children. The piece of paper doesn’t magically erase the decisions that we have made in the best interest of our children.

Obviously, this is a far-fetched comparison. Not many teens would attempt to emancipate themselves and not many teens would win in a court of law. However, maybe someone will have an ah-ha moment while thinking about it from a completely different stand point. I made parenting decisions for my daughter. I am one of her mothers. She does not confuse me with her day-to-day Mom who provides her with comfort and knowledge and everything else. So… the fuss is all about… ? Just as you would want your prior role as a parent to a child who is now legally emancipated respected, for everything you did and felt (and continue to feel!), so do birth parents want their prior role as a parent respected.

Think outside of your comfort zone. Nothing new was ever accomplished inside of one.