This is Denise, my Lesbian Lover
Posted: March 6, 2007 at 1:25 amFirst, to start off this post, a humorous IM conversation:
Munchkin’sFirstMom: so, in regards to library
Munchkin’sFirstMom: how do you want me to introduce you guys
D: umm..however you want to
Munchkin’sFirstMom: Yeah. Hmm.
D: whatever is most comfortable for you
Munchkin’sFirstMom: i’ll have to think.
D: i wouldnt care if you introduced me as your lesbian lover and our kids. hahahahah
D: but really…whatever you feel most comfortable with
Munchkin’sFirstMom: yeah, too many people from our church go to play it that way
Munchkin’sFirstMom: lol
Munchkin’sFirstMom: but i’ll consider it
Munchkin’sFirstMom: in fact, i’m blogging this conversation
Munchkin’sFirstMom: lol
D: lol
D: *waves* to all Munchkin’sFirstMom’s blog readers
Munchkin’sFirstMom: LOL
D: i better see that on the blog
Munchkin’sFirstMom: i will!
So, that prefaces my question a bit.
D and the kids will be visiting during the week which means they will be present for a Tuesday morning Library Storytime. BigBrother and I go every Tuesday morning. I’ve grown close enough with two mommies to consider them friends. I associate with a few others at places like church every week. (One other Mommy happens to be one of the Snobby Mommies featured in SnibSnubbery.) And so, I’m presented with the challenge of how to introduce D, Munchkin and JD.
One of my friends from the library does “know” about the Munchkin as she and I had a brief conversation about her placement but she didn’t really “get it.” (See also Well That’s Never Happened Before on the Birth/First Parent blog.)
And so, how do I introduce the crew? D’s lesbian joke is funny (and not far off from how we’ve been thought of in the past) but may not be a hit with my friends as most are from church as well. Some advice on this topic goes back to being discreet but I have a new problem that runs hard against that advice.
I absolutely, 100% refuse to deny my daughter. It makes me feel like crap. She is important in my life. She is amazing. I want people to know that I am not ashamed of her and denying her seems to scream shame. To top it off, I absolutely, 455987698706% refuse to deny her while she is present. Even if at three she may be busy looking at her new surroundings or running off to join the other kids, I refuse to run the risk of her hearing me say, “Oh, they’re just friends.” They’re not just friends. (Well, D is my friend. Yes. But you know what I mean.)
And so, how do I introduce everyone without a) giving myself a panic attack, b) denying my daughter, c) creating a weird moment between everyone in the class or d) making my head explode. Second thoughts lead me to believe that there WILL be a weird moment no matter what I choose to say about WHO the Munchkin is and our situation so, maybe the question should be: How do I introduce them in the least awkward way and, following up, how do I handle said awkward moments in the best possible manner?
Discuss.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
My daughters mom always introduces us as
“This is the bee and this is her mom”
She rarely takes it beyond that. She kinda likes to keep folks guessing.
We introduced her to our pastor as our “babymama”
oh we are SOOOOOOOOO incorrect in adoption land……
I too prefer the Lesbian lover scenario :D
We haven’t had an experience where we weren’t the ones introducing L or to people who didn’t know who she was. But I think you should just say this is my daughter Munchkin and this is her mom. Let them think what they want. If they ask, you can tell them D adopted Munchkin and you have an open adoption, which means you still get to see her and spend time. Maybe now the Mommy who didn’t get it will :)
Hmmm….I think a variation of what Erin said could work!
J: This is D, her son JD and our daughter Arianna.
everyone else: HUH?
Let them figure it out! You don’t have to deny Arianna and I wouldn’t either. She is your daughter. And you are proud of that! If people can’t handle it, it is because THEY can’t handle it, kwim??
That’s what Jessica does, too, “This is my daughter, Madison, and this is her mom, Dawn.” And she leaves it at that.
“This is my daughter, Munchkin, and this is her mom, D.â€
I like that
Disclaimer that I’ve never faced this challenge (yet) and really am hoping my advice comes in handy, but even if it doesn’t I’m wishing you the best.
“This is my friend D. This is her son JD. This is our daughter Munchkin. (insert ages if that’s the type of thing that happens at your library group)”
You could just end there if that’s what you feel like, or if you want to clarify/answer questions before they start you could add a quick bit about adoption. “Munchkin is my daughter as well because I gave birth to her and chose to place her in an open adoption with D and her husband. They’re visiting with us right now.” That answers how did you all meet and why are they in town as well…
Sorry if my wording sucks but you get the idea, I hope.
Also, I really had to suppress the urge to wave back at D through the computer screen. (and I may or may not have failed.)
Best wishes with this.
For strangers: “we’re family.”
For acquaintances: “this is Mitzie [firstmom] and this is our daughter, BabyGirl.”
i wonder if you could just deal with some of the akwardness head on – say any of the above variations and then either let them figure it out, or if they ask questions say ‘yes, i know it may not be something most people have encountered before, but…’ and explain how it works for you and your family.
maybe you’ll get people to open up and listen and change their preconceived notions.
Jenna,
Could you maybe say something the previous week? Just kind of towards the end of class, “Oh yeah, by the way, next week, my daughter that I placed for adoption and her mother and brother will be joining us.” That way they have some time to kind of digest it and think about it. Might make it less awkward when they are actually there.
Good luck and I know you will handle it with grace!
I have albinism, it is a genetic condition that causes a lack of pigment in the skin hair & eyes. Many people are more familiar with the word Albino.
Kids with albinism are typically blue-eyed and blonde haired. The quintiessntial toe head. They generate a lot of comments from strangers. Most positve, some nosey. I talk to a lot of parents about social situations and how to deal with them.
Kids are INCREDIBLY perceptive. You can’t hide things from them especially feelings. They can sense the imperceptible (i.e. your nervouses)
Jenna I read your words, that you are proud of your daughter and your relationship with her and her birth parents, (as you should be). It is time to live that. It is time to show that to Munchkin. It is time to puff your chest out and look people in the eye and say this is my daughter Munchkin and her mother D (or some similar iteration from above). Smile and if people ask questions maintain eye contact and answer what you want to and diplomatically dodge the rest because ultimately it is none of their business. It a way, you want to make them uncomfortable for thinking that this is anything less than normal.
I know this is easier said than done. I live in a small town too. I’m a relative newcomer, but they already know I’m a straigh shooter. I can be friendly and helpful, but don’t mess with me or my kids.
In the imortal words of Theodor Geisel (a.k.a Dr. Seuss) “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Please let us know how it goes.
P.S. Hi D (waving back)
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