BigBrother and I met a good friend for lunch today. Courtney and I worked together at the news station (which I left in September of last year to stay home with the kiddo) for two (and a bit) years. She was at my wedding. Threw me a baby shower. Visited me in the hospital. Came to BigBrother’s first birthday. We were at her daughter’s fourth birthday. We’re friends.

But I never told her about the Munchkin.

So as we at really fattening but extremely delicious burritos (ah, Chipotle), we dished about why she’s leaving the same news station, her pregnancy (due in September), how cute BigBrother is (who was on his best behavior!) and eventually, I blurted out:

“So, do you know anything about the daughter that I placed for adoption?”

Because, if you’ve ever worked in a news station, you know that gossip is just as good as news and travels very quickly (usually with more speed than legitimate news is reported and most often with greater emphasis). While I never verbalized my birth motherhood at the station, a few friends are privvy to the family blog and even MySpace, where I’ve mentioned her from time to time. Courtney doesn’t read the family blog with regularity (if you worked where we worked, you’d understand lack of time to read blogs), but I thought maybe someone might have said something or she caught a post or… something.

Turns out, no. She blinked at me and said, “No?”

And so, the abbreviated story came pouring out. Slept with ex-boyfriend, ended up pregnant, put on bed rest at 18 weeks, unable to save money, contacted most unethical agency on the planet, chose J and D, labor sucked, baby born, open adoption. Courtney listened intently as I told my story, interjecting things here and there (including, “Is anyone trying to shut down that agency?” Ah, beautiful!). She then asked appropriate questions, “Is Lincoln involved? (He is now, which she agrees is great.) TheHusbandMan’s feelings? (Which involved a side story of his attachment and my guilt over that.)” Etc. No inappropriate verbiage. No disbelief. No offensive statements. Just acceptance and genuine curiosity.

And so then, my good friend, busts out with:

“So is that why you’re such a good Mom with BigBrother? Is that why you got so attached so quickly?”

Knock me over with a feather. First of all, someone just said I was a good Mom and immediately attached it to the loss experienced via placement. I answered that, yes, while I knew BigBrother wouldn’t ever replace Munchkin, I have a tendency (pfft) to be super-attached to BigBrother, sometimes out of fear but always out of love. She nodded. We talked about parenting and how she hopes some things are different with the new baby.

She, too, experienced an unplanned pregnancy. Her daughter is a year old than the Munchkin. She parented. She just recently married an amazing man (also a firefighter, next city over) and they’ve conceived a child together. She has some guilt over how things went down with her first (bonding, parenting with an ex, etc). I told her not to bother with the guilt: she’s an amazing Mom, too. (BTW, all Moms need to hear that. Tell a Mom today.)

So, we meandered through more parenting conversations and came back to the Munchkin. At which point I apologized. We’re friends. And I didn’t want her to think that I had lied to her for the past, almost, three years by neglecting to say anything. She said that was a silly thought because it was never discussed and, in her words:

“Besides, it should be up to you who to discuss this with. Thank you for sharing with me.”

Yeah, melt. I have good friends.

Then, once she realized that the little girl that her little girl was playing with at BigBrother’s birthday party was the One and Only Munchkin, she told me that she was beautiful. She then was able to place D, with this statement:

“Oh, so she’s the D you’re always talking about? One of your best friends?”

Yes, yes that’s her.

This experience? I needed it. It was kind of big and scary. She could have been legitimately upset/mad/disappointed that I hadn’t told her over the course of our friendship. I would have understood. But she wasn’t. And she didn’t have an ounce of judgemental criticism in her voice, her face or her eyes.

And so, that’s another friend down that I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding something from anymore. Can you feel the weight lifting from my shoulders?

(PS - Who the heck is this girl with sudden bits of confidence? I like her.)