Ouch.
Posted: March 30, 2007 at 6:35 pmHer words catch me off guard, for sure. For good. And for … not so good.
D was in the shower. Munchkin was hanging out with me. She was trying to put on her shoes and had them on the wrong feet. I switched them and put them on to the “almost on but not quite” part, telling her that she could finish. She asked me to help her, I said she was doing such a good job and she could finish it. We went back and forth for awhile, the Munchkin stating that she couldn’t and that I needed to help her, and me reassuring her that she was doing an awesome job and could finish it just fine. Eventually, she gave me a zinger.
“Maybe my own Mommy will help me.”
I left the room in tears.
I left the room in tears and pouted in my bedroom for about a half hour.
It took TheHusbandMan reminding me that she probably didn’t say it with malice to get me to come out of the bedroom and eat some lunch. He’s right. She was probably just clarifying, like we do on blogs and forums, so that I didn’t confuse her Mommy-statement with myself. She didn’t say it with any tone inflection. The “Own” of the statement wasn’t said with pointed nastiness. It was just normal Munchkin-tone, in her normal maybe-statement talk. (If you tell her she can’t do something or that you’re out of something, she’ll say, “Well, maybe we still have some macaroni left,” or whatever you’re talking about.)
But it hurt.
And someday, it will be said with malice. To either D OR me.
“My REAL Mom doesn’t do it that way.” “My OWN Mommy isn’t mean.”
And I’m sure I’ll pout. And I’m sure I’ll cry. And I’m sure it will take some logic speak from TheHusbandMan to get me to slink out of my bedroom and join the rest of the people. And I know that I will just have to chalk it up to the way kids operate: playing one parent off of another. Don’t you remember when your Mom said that you couldn’t do something and you’d either ask your Dad or inform your Mother that “Daddy is NEVER EVER THIS MEAN!” I have to view it like that… for my heart.
I’m bummed today. And quiet. Coming off of the prior high to this is somewhat of a big ole crash. And I have to drive seven hours with three (noisy) children in the middle of the night. It’s so petty. It’s so lame. But it really did hurt.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
(((Jenna)))
bummer, especially after her obviously knowing the whole other mommy thing and being on a high from that.
Someday she will look at D and say “You can’t tell me what to do, you aren’t my real mom” and she’ll give you the same line someday.
*sigh* adoption is so fun… blech
I’m sorry for the yowch. Wish I had something comforting to say but I’m so glad that Husband is there to talk you out of bedrooms. Love to you!!
Children call up the widest range of emotions with their words-what a rollercoaster.
You are all amazing.
Sorry for the zinger. It’s good Husband is there and, ultimately, in your heart of hearts, you know she loves you much and it’s toddler speak and nothing malicious about it. But I hear you, that it hurt. Thinking of you and wishing you well, with lots of Munchkin hugs, for the rest of your visit.
I do think he’s right, that she was just trying to clarify and maybe, too, she’s working out the difference between your role with her and with your son? Cause it sure is clear she knows you are both her real mommies, smart little girl. (Though yes, she will most definitely tell you both that you are not when she’s an adolescent. And that will suck but be perfectly normal). So sorry you were hurt though. I can imagine that would be painful.
Wanted to add too that your babies are gorgeous.
I think that she even pits you guys against each other like that, even if nonchalantly, actually speaks VOLUMES about how connected she feels to YOU, Jenna.
Think about it. Kids don’t do that kind of thing with daycare workers, aunts, babysitters. They do it with PARENTS. She considers you a parent.
Sweetie, I’m sorry for the pain it caused.
However maybe it isn’t a bad idea that you (and D) get used to that zinger now because you are right – it will come with intention… I won’t use your word ‘malice’ at least yet for our house but Hayley does pull the routine every so often in extreme anger. More like ‘why can’t I have parents who don’t make me [insert oedious task]‘ … and later I get a very sad snuggly girl who tells me that she never means that.
I think the best thing we’ve done and continued to do is remind her that her feelings/love/attachment to her birth family has nothing to do with her feelings/love/attachment to her adopted family. Just like a parent can love more than one child, you can love more than one mom or dad. J & I just happen to be the mom and dad who are parenting her.
People have often asked me why in the heck I tell Hayley so much information about her birth family – like telling her about her half-brothers, which we were told by the SW we might not want to mention. Outside of our views on open adoption, the fact is younger children DEAL better with knowledge and process it better as they grow if they’ve known it longer. Munchkin will be healthier and happier b/c she knows you right now – as will all the other kids involved on both sides. The younger they experience things, the less problems I think they’ll have with the issues when they are older… so maybe those obnoxious comparisions won’t come as often.
Hang in there.