An Article Written Just for Me, Just for Today
Posted: April 9, 2007 at 6:37 pmParent Dish (formerly Blogging Baby) has a new entry up in the Parent vs. Parent series. Hyper-Fertility is the opposite of Infertility. (Both articles, btw, are quite an interesting and worthy read.) Not all birth mothers can relate to the Hyper-Fertility issue as there are quite a few that either made the choice not to have more children or suffered the perplexing problem of “secondary infertility when it’s really primary because you have no child to show for it.” However, I “get” the article. Hardcore.
I’ve got Fertility Guilt. Much like the article, if my Husband leaves a pair of underwear on the bed, I’m going to get pregnant. While that’s somewhat exaggerated, my Fertility Guilt is not. I get pregnant. Easily. In the case of our miscarriage, we were not even trying which made some people say that my grief was unwarranted because we didn’t try for the baby so therefore we did not want her to be a part of our lives. (False, by the way.) I actually let myself believe those words for awhile; that I had no right to grive the child we lost because we didn’t go through any problem to conceive her.
But that’s some messed up logic.
I grieve the Munchkin almost daily and there was no problem, at all, in her conception. Again, there are those that say that since I placed her for adoption, my grief is again unwarranted since I “chose” this path. (Again, false. But whatever.) If I had miscarried the pregnancy with the Munchkin, it would have been somewhat more socially acceptable for me to grieve that loss than when I grieve her loss via adoption. That’s mind boggling.
More over, it took us four cycles to conceive BigBrother. Not “a lot” in the grand scheme of trying to conceive. If we had, God forbid, miscarried that pregnancy, would we have then been allowed to grieve? Or no? It’s all so very confusing.
The subject is on my mind with constant presence as of late. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. If I could make all of the people in the world who truly wanted and deserved babies magically pregnant, would that solve my own Fertility Guilt? Would I then be able to look friends (real life and blogging) in the eye (virtual or real) again? Would I be able to rejoice in things like the fact that: we’re pregnant? And it only took us one cycle? And we feel so damn guilty about it that TheHusbandMan couldn’t tell his two best friends and telling my two best friends has all but killed me?
What a lousy way to announce a pregnancy, right? It will be much better on the family blog. I promise. This is just a “safer” place for me to discuss the ins and outs of topics that surround all of “this,” whatever this is.
For the neb-noses in the crowd: we haven’t been on birth control since mid-2006. I’ve been charting and we’ve been employing FAM as our main form of birth control. Of course, since the miscarriage, my cycles were wonky and crazy and everything in-between but normal. The last two cycles leading up to this one were an-ovulatory. One was 37 days long and one was 26. We started trying thinking that it was going to take some time since my charts were all over the place. And then, magically, I ovulated. We obviously had sex. And there you have it.
I’m tired of feeling guilty, really. And it’s probably not politically correct to say so but I did anyway. I want to celebrate this child. I started taking belly pictures the day after ovulation because I wanted to have a full week-by-week progression of this pregnancy: it will be our last. People are quick to forget that I suffer from a kidney disorder that makes pregnancy pretty darn risky for me. The risks will soon start to outweigh the benefits when it comes to my health and we know that… which is why our children are to be so close in age. I just don’t have a lot of time to play with; it’s not on my side. So, I want to celebrate this pregnancy. And feel beautiful. And joyous.
And maybe stop PUKING. (Seriously, who is THIS sick at 6w0d?! OMG!)
I want to usher this child into our family in peace and happiness. I think, with my therapist, I hit a lot of those issues that I didn’t know to hit last time around. I’m still nervous, somewhat, about the boy/girl issue. But, I think together we’ve covered that as well as we can and, really, I’ve got absolutely no control over who is inside of my uterus.
I’m rambling. In short: we’re expecting a baby in December. We’re delighted but cautious still as it’s early. We can’t agree on names. TheHusbandMan has already started laying his head on my belly and telling this child “secrets” like he did with both BigBrother and Munchkin. My heart is full. (My belly isn’t since I keep vomiting, but hey, you can’t win them all.) I know some people will call, “Not fair.” But all I can say is that this is what it is: a new child for us to confuse with talk of open adoption, siblings who live far away and a crazy bunch of people to love him/her… no matter what. (Pregnancy also makes me snarky.)
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
Congratulations! (and feel better soon)
((((Jenna))))
I am So happy for you. Don’t have fertility guilt, there is nothing to feel guilty about. It is a JOY that you are pregnant, and welcoming a child into this world. I rejoice with you clear from across the country and I have been praying for you since you announced your decision to “try” again.
Now I’ll pray the fertility guilt goes away, cause that isn’t from God!
Jenna,
It is what it is. I didn’t ask for my infertility. And you’re certainly not responsible for my infertility. You didn’t ask for your kidney issues, and I’m not responsible for those.
I don’t blame you for my problems conceiving, honestly I don’t. ;) It’s the Great Big Roll Of The Dice. And as unfair as it is to a hurting woman in Vietnam, I got to be the mom to a truly remarkable boy. So it’s OK. It really is.
I don’t think you have to feel guilty at all. Guilt is for something you did to purposefully hurt someone. That’s not what this is about.
I for one am so so so so so happy for you!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! And yes, celebration is in order!!!!
Jenna,
I am SO HAPPY for you (and fam!). No matter how many people tell you not to feel guilty, I am sure you still will, so I won’t tell you. Congratulations and hopefully those hormones settle down soon and that helps witht he guilt!
Oh and the morning sickness: I have heard women with morning sickness are less likely to miscarry, so maybe try and see it as a positive?? (Spoken from a woman who has never experienced pregnancy, so feel free to knock my head off if you need to!)
Aww, thanks everyone. It is true that hormones are probably to blame for some of this (though snarkiness may come naturally). The teething baby who can’t sleep through the night right now isn’t helping my emotional state (though his cuddles today have made my day!). I realized after I wrote it that it might not sound like I’m happy: I AM! So unbelievably! You should see me gush in person. I’m just somewhat overwhelmed, I think. And overtired. :)
Oh Jenna!!! I am so thrilled for you, thrilled. You should celebrate each moment of this miracle, because that is what each life is. Whatever you do, don’t feel guilty please. Or don’t let others make you feel like you cannot enjoy each day (even the puking, lol!) of this pregnancy.
Judy’s comment said it well. Real guilt should happen when you do something intentionally to hurt someone. That is the farthest from the truth.
Enjoy each moment!
congrats!
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you, teething baby, morning sickness and all.
My great-aunt told me she used to buy Coca Cola syrup to help her with hers. I didn’t listen to her until I was still having morning sickness, and afternoon sickness, and evening sickness well into the second trimester. So I gave it a whirl and it actually helped for me. You can ask your OB/GYN if he knows anything bad or good about it… this was a long time ago I was pregnant and you know the way they always find things that the previous generation did that were wrong!
And congratulations again!
I too am incredibly happy for you!!!
I’m telling your GUILT to go away :)
This is wonderful news. I’m smiling big smiles for you :D
Hot DAMN!!! Congrats Jenna & Husband!!!
Yes, I struggled with infertility issues and yes it stung when others would tell me they were pregnant, but I always saw that for what it was, MY issue, not theirs.
Relax and enjoy the ride (as much as the teething toddler will let you!).
Congratulations Jenna and family! I adore BigBrother’s shirt on the family blog. Also wanted to chime in and say that you have every right in the world to be shouting from the rooftops with your joy! I think it’s awesome that you’ve begun the belly pictures. This pregnancy SHOULD be celebrated and enjoyed (as much as one can enjoy being green – but you know what I mean). Blessings to you and new baby H!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Yay! YAAAY! That took me totally off-guard (in a good way) because I usually ’sense’ when something is up with someone. Oh I’m so SO excited for you. I can’t wait for another baby to spoil. Darn it, I still haven’t officially ‘met’ BigBrother I *do* need to make a trip up there before I get my transplant. Email me!
*jumping all around* :)
**BIG HUGS**
Congratulations my dear. :c)
I understand on some level what you mean. We didn’t try for either of our kids – both came about when we were definitely NOT trying!! So I feel terribly guilty when friends have to try long and hard to have children, with miscarriages and infertility and everything else. And I always worry that my turn must be coming – that we’ll have trouble conceiving again, that I’ll miscarry when we do, etc. etc. Argh.
And I get incredibly pissed off when people imply that since our children were “accidents”, we don’t love or appreciate them as much as they do their “planned” children. That we’re inferior parents because we didn’t actively try to conceive. That because they weren’t planned, they weren’t WANTED. Because all of that is utter bullshit.
Sorry for the rant. I started out just to say congratulations (again!), and I got off on a tangent!
I am so happy to hear this Jenna.
There is not a more DERSERVING couple on this earth than you two!!!
My response to the guilt/shame pushers is an ancient verse.
…………BITE ME……………
“derserving”???
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
deserving,scuse moi.lol
Add me (and every other woman in my family) to the hyper-fertile pile. I’ve often felt very guilty about how easily I get pregnant, but you said it well- you should be able to celebrate.
Congratulations!
Hooray, Jenna!
Guilt!?! Smack that guilt away! What a delicious blessing to be able to KNOW you’re ovulating, to KNOW the little swimmies are going to end up where they’re supposed to…
And how GLORIOUS to be able to conceive the way God intended you to! This is the way it’s SUPPOSED to work! It’s not supposed to be hard. There aren’t supposed to be hurdles to crawl over and therapists’ couches to navigate just to end up pregnant. Fertility drugs are blasphemy. I, of course, used them as a next-to-last resort with no success; but to be able to say you did it in ONE TRY~ that’s like passing the Bar, getting your CPA, getting a PhD in my book.
If the thesaurus in my head was working at this moment, I would type every synonym for “fantastic” I could find. I’d then move on to “CONGRATULATIONS.”
I won’t, however, let you out of the puking, though. ;-)
Jen
Congratulations! I hope you are feeling better soon and can enjoy the life growing within you.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I too have been praying for you and Husband to create a new member of your family. I am so excited for you guys and look forward to the journey of the baby’s arrival!!!! This is a blessing. No guilt or shame should be attached to what is nothing short of a miracle. You guys love each other. And your love has created a new life. Nothing to be guilty for. Never.
I extended congrats on the family blog, but wanted to pop over here and say it twice. Enjoy every second of your pregnancy (good and bad moments) especially as you know it will be your last. You have every right to glow in the radiance that is being pregnant. Tears streaming (of joy) for you, josh, ariana, nick and your daughter in heaven.
If I may be so bold as to make an observation, perhaps this is part of why you were overwhelmed by so many emotions during your most recent visit. I hope that you don’t feel guilt over knowing your limits and being strong enough to exercise that right. Give yourself a break. It is hard enough to navigate an open adoption without then throwing in 1st trimester hormones. You are amazing. Your family is amazing. Truly God’s hand of favor and blessing must cover you now!
Blessings,
Mary
De-lurking to say CONGRATULATIONS
Jenna,
C’est fantastique!
WOO HOO HOO Jenna.
That’s fantastic news.
Here’s hoping the ‘feeling good’ fairy blesses you with a comfortable ride!!
Poss… xxx
The only thing “NOT FAIR” about the whole thing is that people would make you feel like doo doo for becoming pregnant, for loving ALL your children.
My mom used to get so upset that there were other couples “competing” for children to adopt that already have one or two. She thought that since we had none that we deserved them more…that’s wacky thinking in my opinion.
Hope you get to feeling better soon and that the pregnancy is surprisingly medical-issue free.
This is such a special time for you guys. Please don’t let this guilt hover over you and take away from that. It is no one’s place to decided when you can grieve and not grieve and when you can celebrate guilt free.
Yes, you have been blessed with being fertile. Be proud of that and love it.
It is hard for anyone trying to conceive wether 1 month or 4 years. It took us about 18 months with our first and about 6 with the second. Of course it was hard but I was still more than thrilled when my SIL became pregnant twice about as quickly as you.
I think it is not you that people are really targeting with their criticism, they are criticizing because they are hurt by their own situation which is understandable.
BE HAPPY!!!!!! CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY! Congrats!
Extending warm wishes and tons of hugs and love from another hyper-fertile!!!!
Congratulations! Here’s to a healthy and stress-free (as possible) pregnancy.
Oh, the fertility guilt. I know of what you speak. I have a ’surprise’ kid who I almost placed but changed my mind. My brother and sister-in-law cannot seem to get pregnant. I never thought I wanted kids, she has wanted them her whole life. I adore her and feel guilty.
congrats on the pregnancy (again)!
and the guilt, i really hear you on that one. i feel awful having so much extra fertility when others are so short on it. i want to bottle it and pass it around.
Congrats!
I also fall under the category of “looking at my husband from five feet away” makes me pregnant. Twice, totally unplanned. My sister (infertile) was distraught. But we were happy anyway, darnit!
And, for the record, both were conceived St. Patty’s Day and both due beginning of December.
Snark away, you have the right to be happy! WOOHOO!
Jenna, that’s wonderful news! Congratulations!
Guilt? For being fertile? No way! Enjoy the anticipation guilt free, for there’s absolutely no reason for it!
First off Congrats.
My father in law joked that the men in his family have super sperm. I don’t know if it’s true, but when he was almost fifty he got a 39insh woman who had been told that she could never have kids pregnant. Just joking but maybe he’s the cure for infertilty
Oh Jenna, HUGE congratulations. HUGE.
I am so so so so so so so so so happy for you. And yeah a little worried because of your kidney, but whatever, right now is the time to think positive, and I DO think this little will make it.
You are one strong mommy. And one GOOD mommy. This little one is lucky to have landed in your uterus, you know? So don’t feel guilty about it… feel happy that your baby is getting such a good mom. (yeah ok easier said than done, I know)
Again…. sooooooooo happy for you and Husband and BigBrother and Munchkin and… just everyone. ((((((((hugs))))))))))
I’ve had some fertility guilt in the past, but in the shape of “I have no right to read about this woman’s pain. I would be one of the women she wouldn’t want around here.” type of thing when reading infertility blogs. Congratulations, once again. I barfed for 20 weeks with my first pregnancy and for 30 with my second. Yet I didn’t loose any weight. Where’s the justice??
I’m not much of a commenter (sorry), but I thank you so much for all you have shared, and all it has taught me. Congratulations!!! I’m just delighed for you, and wishing you and all your children an abundance of joy ahead.
~Fi.
OHHHH!!! As if I do not spend enough of my time staring at pictures of your kids….lol..I do find it relax, they are so cute!! You go and make another!!
YEah!!!
And now we have a name too…Hyper fetility. huh? I liked uber fertile better
Jenna,
Congratulations to you and Husband (and the rest of your family)! It’s wonderful news and there shouldn’t be any room for guilt as you’ve done nothing to anyone. Just love and savor these moments. Enjoy. Enjoy. Enjoy. And we get to meet another Hatfield! Woo-hoo!
– Gretchen aka mamagigi