Outstanding and necessary study just released by Gary Clapton: The Experiences and Needs of Birth Fathers: What We Know and Some Practice Implications. Download it (if you can) and read it all. And then pass the link on to other people.

We fight, tooth and nail, for someone/anyone to understand that birth mothers do not fit the stereotypes that society wants to shove us into… and now it is time to fight for the same darn thing for birth fathers all over the world.

(If you can’t download it, e-mail me. I did hit the highlights over at adoptionblogs.)

Life is pretty good right now. Today’s main dilemma is deciding what specific time to go to the city pool and how that interferes with nap time and/or dinner time. Not too bad, right?

I feel guilty.

And no, not about other friends and family members who are going through trying times. I’m trying to separate my life from others by reminding myself that my successes and failures are not tied into the lives of those that I love. (I don’t always succeed at this reminder.) Anyway, no.

I’m feeling guilty because I’m happy.

I mean, I’m a stay-at-home Mom with a small writing career. I’ve got a nice house. An amazing husband. A son who usually is pretty good. A pregnancy that has made it to almost the second trimester. (Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!) I’ve got nice skin. Nice cars. My hair is awesome. Our church is great even though we’re losing our pastor (grumble). I’ve got amazing friends. Family nearby and far away. I have air conditioning (though we haven’t turned it on yet so I’m still mostly sweaty).

But my daughter isn’t here.

So shouldn’t I be wallowing in self-pity? Shouldn’t I be berating myself? Shouldn’t I be spending the majority of my time lamenting her absence. Sigh.

The truth is: I do miss my daughter. There are moments in every day when I am reminded of her absence. When BigBrother grabs her framed picture off of one of the end tables, says, “Nonna!” and gives it a big kiss. When someone asks me if BigBrother is our oldest. When I’m setting the table for me, TheHusbandMan and BigBrother and just want to put out another plate. When I sit, quietly, and don’t hear her voice talking to or over BigBrother’s little voice. There are a million moments like them.

And yes, I feel pangs of sadness. And anger. And frustration. And sometimes I am wallowing in the self-pity and fudgecicles.

But right now, minus the anxiety which I’m ever-so-slowly bringing back into a manageable place, I’m digging my life. Perhaps it’s because we have a short visit coming up in two weeks. Perhaps it’s because things are going well. Perhaps it’s because I’ve made a few break-throughs in therapy. I don’t know.

But I’m enjoying this time.

Part of me knows it won’t last. Birthday season-slash-Christmas will come around. New Baby’s due date is ten days before Munchkin’s birthday which is just less than a month after BigBrother’s special day. Add in some post-partum hormones and the fact that I won’t be able to attend this year’s birthday party and I’m sure that I will be a self-pitying, wallowing, cry-baby mess. But.. but.. right now?

Can I enjoy this? Is that okay? Will she hate me for the summer that I just basically loved my life? Is it dishonoring her by smiling while I read a book in the sunshine? Is it okay to be happy? When she’s not here?

(Well, I just sufficiently made myself feel unhappy so… there?)