The Chronicles of Munchkin Land » Blog Archive

Life is pretty good right now. Today’s main dilemma is deciding what specific time to go to the city pool and how that interferes with nap time and/or dinner time. Not too bad, right?

I feel guilty.

And no, not about other friends and family members who are going through trying times. I’m trying to separate my life from others by reminding myself that my successes and failures are not tied into the lives of those that I love. (I don’t always succeed at this reminder.) Anyway, no.

I’m feeling guilty because I’m happy.

I mean, I’m a stay-at-home Mom with a small writing career. I’ve got a nice house. An amazing husband. A son who usually is pretty good. A pregnancy that has made it to almost the second trimester. (Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!) I’ve got nice skin. Nice cars. My hair is awesome. Our church is great even though we’re losing our pastor (grumble). I’ve got amazing friends. Family nearby and far away. I have air conditioning (though we haven’t turned it on yet so I’m still mostly sweaty).

But my daughter isn’t here.

So shouldn’t I be wallowing in self-pity? Shouldn’t I be berating myself? Shouldn’t I be spending the majority of my time lamenting her absence. Sigh.

The truth is: I do miss my daughter. There are moments in every day when I am reminded of her absence. When BigBrother grabs her framed picture off of one of the end tables, says, “Nonna!” and gives it a big kiss. When someone asks me if BigBrother is our oldest. When I’m setting the table for me, TheHusbandMan and BigBrother and just want to put out another plate. When I sit, quietly, and don’t hear her voice talking to or over BigBrother’s little voice. There are a million moments like them.

And yes, I feel pangs of sadness. And anger. And frustration. And sometimes I am wallowing in the self-pity and fudgecicles.

But right now, minus the anxiety which I’m ever-so-slowly bringing back into a manageable place, I’m digging my life. Perhaps it’s because we have a short visit coming up in two weeks. Perhaps it’s because things are going well. Perhaps it’s because I’ve made a few break-throughs in therapy. I don’t know.

But I’m enjoying this time.

Part of me knows it won’t last. Birthday season-slash-Christmas will come around. New Baby’s due date is ten days before Munchkin’s birthday which is just less than a month after BigBrother’s special day. Add in some post-partum hormones and the fact that I won’t be able to attend this year’s birthday party and I’m sure that I will be a self-pitying, wallowing, cry-baby mess. But.. but.. right now?

Can I enjoy this? Is that okay? Will she hate me for the summer that I just basically loved my life? Is it dishonoring her by smiling while I read a book in the sunshine? Is it okay to be happy? When she’s not here?

(Well, I just sufficiently made myself feel unhappy so… there?)

Even though I think most of those questions were rhetorical…
YES! BE HAPPY!
Children want their parents to be happy (or at least I know I always did) and you are! The fact that you aren’t letting your adoption issues “ruin” or consume your life is GOOD. I really think (or hope, anyway) that adopted children thrive when BOTH sets of parents are happy (especially in an open case like yours).

And, in your being happy, it gives hope to other firstmoms like me who are still having to search very hard each day for peace and happiness in their lives, adoption overshadowing almost everything.

Maybe you should call this “The Summer of Jenna”!!!

Jenna,
Be happy. Munchkin is loved by many people and very well taken care of. I know you must miss her at odd moments of every day. I believe that God controls all that goes on in our lives so just thank Him for your happiness and enjoy your summer, your upcoming visit and the knowledge that you have a new life growing inside you.
Bless you,
Marianne

Ah. Guilt! I’m struggling with this mightily myself right now, Jenna. Should I be happy about anything? Shouldn’t I feel worse? Do I deserve any happiness? Argh!

I’m with you. Hang in there.

Wow. You’d better ditch that unhappy moment NOW. The more happy moments you have and allow yourself, the happier all your kids will be! I worry about how my son will feel if he thinks his birthmom is really unhappy. I would want him to feel secure in her happiness.

Being happy is good for you, for BigBrother, for the new baby, for their dad, and ESPECIALLY for Munchkin! You’re allowed your moments. But I think you should recognize this as a time when you ARE working through your feelings. Don’t feel guilty because you are happy - it’s going to help your future relationship with your daughter!!!!

We want our kids to be happy ALL the time - why can’t we adults allow ourselves the same luxury? At least part of the time? When did we lose that?

You have a GREAT and HAPPY day today and be happy for yourself, and all your kids and for the fact that you have done what you think is right for them and will continue to do so!!! More importantly, that you love them beyond words, and they love you right back! Now THAT ought to put a speck of sunshine back into your heart - goodbye clouds!

Wanna know what that post made me think of? Bobby McFarrin. Thanks. I’ll be woo-hooing for the rest of the night. Don’t worry, be happy, mon?

From my end of the bench, I’d really like to think that Ebaby’s mamma has happy days without the constant conundrum of the adoption clouding her vision. I know that’s probably a tall order considering the time that’s elapsed since then, but I like to think it all the same.

BigBrother and Tummy-baby deserve a happy mommy, too. It’s OK…be deliriously happy. Blame it on sun exposure. In a few months when things get tougher, at least you’ll have something to look back and laugh with.

Besides, the fact that you are able to stay home and have the small writing career should be enough to make you swoon…how lucky are you? ;-)

((JENNA))

Yup. It’s okay to be happy, even amidst the deepest grief and loss, happiness is good for you and your soul.

Big cyber hugs :)

You know, Jenna? You’ve worked your butt off to earn a little peace and happiness. You deserve every minute you get. Don’t hold yourself back from that. And little Jenna Jr. can feel your happiness, too. Be happy–grieve your losses, but be happy.

You’re not happy because of her adoption; you’re happy despite it. And IMHO, being able to be happy despite the unhappy things in your life is an excellent thing to model - to all of your kids. :)

I think it’s called Progress, my friend. And you’ve worked really hard for it. It’s not only OK, it’s a good thing — for everyone, including Munchkin. I bet she wants you to be happy, just as the rest of us do.

Happiness is nothing to sneeze at. Grab it and hold onto it for as long as you can. *hugs*

Grab that happiness and hang on. You deserve it! Enjoy every blessed moment.

A little more of your happiness doesn’t take away from anyone else’s happiness you know. Spread it around.

Be happy! I am writing a blog about this issue soon! Honestly, it is okay, good and healthy to be happy sometimes. Birth mothers can be happy in spite of adoption sometimes - we should strive to enjoy our lives and families. Otherwise, adoption wins!

Joy and happiness doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive does it? Just because you are happy about your relationship with Husband and BigBrothers incessant growing and of course New baby…doesnt mean that you are not thinking of Munchkin or D or J. Conversely, just because you might find yourself in a difficult time emotionally, doesn’t mean that you dont’ love your husband, son or new baby.

You deserve every iota of happiness you have! You have worked hard to yourself. Enjoy it. Relish it. Embrace it. (it doesn’t negate anything by its existence.

IMHO

Blessings

Post my aunt’s saying on your computer:

HOW GOOD CAN YOU STAND IT?

Besides, what else matters when you have great hair?

(joking — making light while not actually wanting to minimize your loss)

I’m with Jan. You do Arianna a disservice by not allowing yourself to be happy. Oh, and send that good skin my way. Mine’s going nuts!

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