So, I visited. I bit the bullet. I bought the plane tickets. I flew with a busy toddler. I visited. I flew home with a busy toddler. I’m still somewhat exhausted, but in that very good and very fulfilled way. And we didn’t do much of anything spectacular; we just visited!
This is not to say that my anxiety did not play a part in how I acted/reacted or that it didn’t get in the way at times. I did. However, it was managable even if, deep down, I still wish that it didn’t have an effect on anything. One evening, I just had to get quiet and watch events take place for a bit while I did some breathing and mentally escaped to a quiet place. (Our kids? Together? Are loud.) And then the day that BigBrother was whinier than whiny? Well, I just had to suck it up and be a Mommy even if my insides were cringing as I thought, “Ohnoeees, they’re going to realize that I’m a HORRID parent because I get overwhelmed when BigBrother is overly whiny and then they’ll think that I’m a bad influence on Munchkin and they’ll cancel all of our future visits and ohnoeeeees.” Yeah, anxiety does crap like that to your mental state of being. It’s thrilling.
That said, I did my best to suck it up and deal. Because, right now? The anxiety isn’t going to magically lift. I had this naive hope that at the end of the first trimester, I would magically feel the weight lift from my shoulders and begin the easy and carefree part of pregnancy. Pfft, what a dream world I was trying to live in. To be honest, the anxiety is somewhat (as in much) more managable than it was when it hit me like a Mac truck on a deserted highway. But it’s still present. I’ve got another twenty-four weeks (to twenty-six if this child decides, “Hey! I’m even more stubborn than YOU!”) of pregnancy. That’s another twenty-four weeks of dealing with the anxiety. I cannot and will not let it make me sit in my home, avoid those that I love and thus confuse them to no end and otherwise just waste a year of my life.
And so, visiting with anxiety is somewhat difficult. It’s hard to put those fears and icky-things aside, properly parent my (ohsowhiny) son and try to get some proper bonding time in with my daughter. And then of course, I always want to make sure that I have enough time to just “hang” with D, just as two friends (which we did get to do one evening thanks to appropriately timed bed times and a J willing to stay at the house with all three (sleeping) kids). It’s hard to not let the anxiety take over my thoughts of how to do this next and that later and what to do if x, y or z occurs. But I did it.
I did it.
I don’t know if we’ll make it back out there before the end of this pregnancy. (Remember, added on top of my anxiety, I’m also high risk. Joy.) However, plans are in the works for a visit from the lot of them to our humble abode. The good side of that is when they visit us, my loving Husband is around to help me keep my anxiety in check. He’s a godsend in that arena.
I think tomorrow I’ll write about THE pregnancy discussion. Talk about anxiety!
14 Responses to “Visiting with Anxiety”
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Oh my gosh, you are both just beautiful! She totally has your beautiful long eyelashes!
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awwww. she is so beautiful. just like her mama.
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Oh my goodness… what a gorgeous picture, Jenna. You and your daughter are beautiful. I have to say, that I appreciate so much your honesty about everything… so much. I don’t seem to have to have the words today to say what I really want so I’ll just leave it at that. I appreciate it more than I can say. You’ve given me so much insight to how big adoption is in the lives of all involved.
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You and your daughter are BEAUTIFUL and what a smile!!! As a prospective adoptive parent, I love your blog and read it often. Thank you for sharing your story (your life!).
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Jenna, I wonder if D worries about how you might view her parenting skills when Munchkin is acting like a typical three year old.
Munchkin is getting so big!
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Twitter: thiswomanswork
says:
Does she have your mouth? Because it looks like she has your smile here!
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I am sorry you have anxiety Jenna. I get that when I start getting a depression and I think it is awful.BLAH. I take zoloft, but maybe you can not take meds while preggers. I hope it gets better soon.
Your dd is the cutest!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My goodness! Look at how beautiful Munchkin is getting! I can’t believe how much she’s grown just in the past few months! What a big girl!
BTW…you’re as cute as ever.
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What a priceless picture. You both are beautiful!
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What a beautiful picture! I love those eyes and smiles. It doesn’t seem fair that when I am anxious I have to worry about what other people are thinking/judging about my parenting. The two burdens just make each other heavier, don’t they? It seems it would be easier to just be anxious in private without also having to worry about someone I care about watching. You impress me with your courage and determination to be out there even when you are most vunerable. Not only saying it here on your blog for the whole world, but in front of family! I am just worried about the neighbors. LOL
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Ahhhhh, but you did it and that’s HUGE! YAY, you!!
And the picture is FANTABULOUS!! Two beautiful girls! :D
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Thats one pretty little girl right there. I think she has your eye brows, eyelashes and cheek bones. Very pretty..
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Jenna, she is just growing and getting more and more beautiful! The photos of her just make me want to pick her up and smoosh (technical term, there) her cheeks with kisses! She reminds me SOOO much of my adorable perfect nieces!!! Yes – she looks like a Maybelline ad, with those eyes!!! I cannot WAIT to hear about the PG discussion and how that all went.
Hoping you can relax some soon – maybe the hormones will level off, and you won’t have to deal w/ the anxiety the rest of the time. Hope BigBrother is settling back to his at-home routine as well!
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You two are so beautiful. Wow.
Thank you for all you write. You are not only beautiful, but very wise.
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