Were we scared? Yup. But we also believed that it’s our job as parents to do what’s best for our child, and not just what’s easiest and most comfortable for us. Period.

Adoption is not about the parents; it’s about the children for whom major, life-changing decisions are made without their input or even consent.

In our case, since our daughter’s firstmom has, for now, chosen to not be in active relationship with her, our committment extends to the rest of firstmom’s family: father, brothers, cousins. Our daughter’s firstdad lives far away but he flys in to visit frequently and we’re in relationship with his parents and brother, also. Firstdad’s mom is from Eritrea so we use her as our main source for that cultural information as Firstdad said it was important to him that BabyGirl knew and understood her Eritrean heritage.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. The lifelong committment includes the people who gave her life.

As for the open adoption/marriage thing, I think it just may be apt, but rather than spouses, we’ve thought of it as inlaws. I chose to love my inlaws because they are my husband’s parents, and vice versa. It’s just part of the deal. To dishonor my inlaws would be to dishonor my husband; to dishonor my daughter’s firstfolks would be to dishonor my daughter.

Openness in Adoption: Exploring Family Connections (SAGE Library of Social Research) by Harold D. Grotevant and Ruth G. McRoy (Paperback – Jun 24,

And yes, absolutely I am in a life long relationship with my sons’ first famililes. Why? Well we ARE family. My sons are their sons. Their children are my sons brother and sisters. Their parents are my children’s grandparents. Their place in the world affects my children’s sense of self. How could I “not”care? I have no idea … no concept of being capable of NOT viewing us as a family. I dont know how others manage to turn that sense off, but I certainly have never found myself able.

Jen

If someone does not want to have a relationship with the birthparents – do a closed adoption or adopt internationally!

My husband and I thought long and hard about what was right for us when we moved to adoption after many years of infertility treatment. We decided the level of being *open* would fall to the birth parents and what they wanted. It is a relationship like others as posted – a marriage of sorts due to the committment each are making to the other.

In the end – I believe as I stated before that for us, and I can only speak for our family — that having an open adoption is the best for all concerned. Our daughter knows where she came from and how, she knows she is loved by all her parents (birth and adoptive) and there is not some *mystery* birth family out there somewhere. If she wants to see photos – we have them with her in her birth mom’s belly and others as she grew during visits.

I wish adoption reform would occur to make adoptive parents legally accountable to hold up their end of their promises made before the child they adopt ever arrives.

As to a lifelong committent to my daughter’s firstparents…ABSOLUTELY. For us, I feel our committment to our daughter automatically includes a committment to her birthparents. It’s a package deal! They are forever tied to her and her to them. This was also considered when choosing gaurdians. It was important that we choose caregivers that would support that relationship.

1. Of course it’s like a marriage. I would say it is almost more…. The bond between a child and a parent is lifelong and natural. From the moment you learn of their existance (both for adoptive and birth parents) to the moment of separation by death (and even beyond if you are a believer) , you are connected to that child. It is a natural draw, yearning and need to protect and care for them. No legal document can change that – as is evidenced by the birthparents who yearn for their children years later and the adoptive parents who feel loss when an adoption doesn’t happen, or their adopted children go on a journey to find their birth parents. Marriage is a choice we make to commit to someone and it takes a heck of a lot of work. An adoption agreement is also a commitment you make and also takes a lot of work, the difference being that each set of parents is more intrisicly and naturally connected to that child than even we are to our spouse. Now, their connection to each other? That is where the commitment comes in. But keep in mind, this agreement happens between the adults before the child. An adoption is NOT truly just a commitment to raise a child. It’s a commitment to a woman to raise HER child. To take that child and make him your own. She is commiting to ALLOW you to do that. How quickly people forget that….. You first commit to her, then she allows you to commit to the child. (Except in some cases where the state is involved).

2. Jon seems to be one of those people who wants to think his child materialized out of no where. Some woman squirted out the baby and then walked away. The mother had little to do with the child. He’ll learn. It’s all a lifelong bond and even in closed adoptions, the child senses that. I don’t think he was trying to be argumentative, but rather is just that clouded in his outlook.

You were well spoken and he twisted your words. I liked what was said that if you have marital problems, you see a therapist, but you still talk to your husband. That’s exactly what you are saying. You may see a therapist to discuss the intimate dealings of your heart, but it is important that you keep an open line of communication with those involved in those issues.

If anything, allowing them to know what’s truly in your heart should set them at ease with the situation. If they know you are in pain, but that you have a commitment to them, they can allow you to work through your grief without worrying you are going to jump off the deep end.

See…. rambling…. more than two cents, kind of like 15.

Sure, real discussion is ok – but I wonder, is that really what you’re looking for? You keep talking about wanting ’studies’ (proof) – if you live your life doing only things that are proven by study…I can’t imaging how exciting that would be.

Random question: If you and your SO divorce and remarry , will one of you terminate your parental rights so the others new SO adopt? I only wonder…since having more than one set of parents is confusing and hasn’t been proven to be ok by study?

Kinda silly when you think about it like that…