Sometimes I forget. And I put in a CD. And I sing the first song or two. And then waves of (enter emotion) wash over me with each lyric and note. I got caught in a tailspin of emotion on the way to and from the mall this morning, listening to two of Alanis’ albums; Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie (a few years prior to placement) and So-Called Chaos (post-placement).
The latter was removed from the CD player rather quickly. I haven’t revisited some of those songs and thoughts since my year of “birth mom bliss.” Looking back on things and seeing how the lyrics have changed for me, I couldn’t listen. I changed CD’s to the former.
Even worse move. It’s strange to listen to songs that existed prior to your biggest loss, songs that you identified with in different ways beforehand, and then to listen to them afterwards. I was physically unable to eject the disc. Seriously. As I sang the lyrics, loudly, and identified on entirely new levels, I just couldn’t eject the disc.
And now I’m feeling overwhelmed. And my ears are burning. And my mind is on overdrive. Even the retail therapy in the middle didn’t seem to do much good. My heart is full and empty, all at the same time. I hurt.
3 Responses to “Turn the Radio OFF, Jenna”
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Awww. Huge hugs. I totally get that. The song playing on the hospital bed radio as I held my daughter in my arms in 1986, was Whitney Houstons “Greatest Love of All”.
I cannot hear that song without totally losing it. I see my 18 year old self, holding her, my tears like diamonds falling on her cheeks, with “we believe the children are our future…teach them well and let them lead the way…” coming back to me.
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Alanis is great at doing that. I love her music to death. But she just hits on so many issues, and listening to it most often turns me into an emotional mess!
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Jenna,
You know, I know you are tired of this battle you fight and you are tired of the people who just “don’t get it”, but as an adoptive mom I just want to say PLEASE KEEP IT UP. You are doing an amazing job of waking people up to the truth of adoption and the losses it causes. Please know that some of us out here truly DO care and we ARE listening! Please be encouraged by that.
dawnz
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