I wish I knew that adoption would feel like abandonment to my child. I had absolutely no idea (absurd as it sounds now) and actually believed the opposite — which, of course, is what the agency wanted me to believe.

I scoured the libraries at the time (late 80s) looking for literature after my “counselor”/facilitator offered “Dear Birthmother” to “educate” me about adoption (can you imagine?). Of course, all that did was begin the process of suggesting I was merely a conduit.

Ignorant as it sounds coming from a reasonably intelligent woman, I actually came to believe that my daughter would be “grateful” if I surrendered.

Ignorant? Yes. I feel like a complete fool for buying that, but then I’ve only to look at the ads my agency is putting on U-tube, etc. to see that they’re still feeding that crap to pregnant mothers.

All of that said, I was very bonded and very much in love with my daughter from the moment I felt her first movements; even before. I knew if we separated, it would be devastating for me … not for her. But I got this inkling after she was born, a nudge in my soul that whispered otherwise, so I held fast to the promise of open adoption; our guaranteed lifetime contact.

Of course, I didn’t know my agency’s open adoption agreements were merely verbal and not legally binding.

I read so much that I do this — read a book and then forget until I read something in-depth that tells about it. Wow. I remember loving it; I remember parts of it really well and how it affected me a lot and that I couldn’t put it down.

It’s been awhile though.

And I do remember how lucky I am to have people in Nate’s life as a resource who can help explain things to him — *hugs* — how very very lucky I am.

How very lucky he is to have that.

Oh, and, Hi!!!!

–Stacy

The really difficult ones that you posed — they haven’t come up quite yet. Not yet. I imagine they will. Now, since we’re in family therapy for behavioral issues and later we’ll get into adoption loss as per the therapist, I don’t know if we’ll address these specific questions or not, but we might. In fact, I’d say that we’ll probably get to them, or questions like them. So we may very well have her help which would be a very nice thing.

We do have the documentation that Nate’s mother left for the orphanage, but it’s in very official, cold language. It tells the “why”s of her relinquishment. But there’s no emotion there and I fear that it will hurt him. On the other hand, it’s something which is more than some adoptees from Vietnam have or will have.

If we ever get the chance — and there are a lot of ifs there, but I do have hope — I’d like to find her and open up the adoption. If that happens and if she feels able to, then maybe she would be able to answer the questions herself. If not, then we’ll do the best that we can with them. I feel relatively confident that I can tell Nate that his first mom loved and loves him but simply felt that she wasn’t able to care for him, didn’t feel that she had the resources at that time to care for him in the best way possible. That she felt stuck.

And then I want to listen to him. Listen to him and hold him and be there for him and whatever feelings he has about it and help him process it, if he’ll let me in on his journey with it. Because there’s only so much I can do as far as be her voice with it, but there’s more I can do to simply be his mom and help him along the path, not towards healing — because I think that’s ultimately within himself. But just to be there for him and to love him. I can’t take the pain away, but I can let him feel whatever it is he feels, listen to him say whatever words he has to say. Or, if he needs me to leave him alone and process it alone, I can do that too. I just want to be there for him in whatever way possible. I hope I can help him with it. I hope he lets me. If nothing else, I can pray for him and love him like I do. I can at least do that.

I don’t know if that answers your question, but it’s a tough one. It’s a really good one, Jenna, but a tough one.

And I bought the book soon after you suggested it. As soon as I’m finished with the book I’m currently reading, I’m going to read that one. It sounds wonderful.

We don’t see them and don’t hear from them. I send the updates and it makes me kind of mad that they never respond. Reading what other first parents say about how it feels for them makes me more compassionate. I can only guess that my boys’ other mothers are doing the best they can.

I plan to keep telling him about the circumstances his first parents came from and how they made the decisions, but it is all based on the paperwork I was given so I don’t know the deep truth. Saying they thought it was the best for him sounds hollow to me but as I think it’s as close to the truth as I can come I hope he will take it at face value. I don’t think it would serve anyone for us to try to guess beyond what they wrote down about their wishes and hopes and reasons. We do have paperwork written in their own hands saying briefly why they chose this. It’s not enough but it is something.

I will add that I know he will always feel pain about it and I am willing to stand and hear it, trying my best not to let what I want be the loudest voice.