I’m working on Chapter Eight in Lifegivers for the birth/first parent blog. It will be two days of talk on the subject because the chapter is so long. And so heavy. And mostly overwhelming. Regret is often feared. Even though I’ve written about it before and how it’s not so big and so scary, people freak out when you talk about birth parent regret.

And so, in conjunction with the chapter review posts on Monday and Tuesday, I’ll be talking about how birth parents in today’s world (which includes closed and open adoption mothers and fathers) are dealing with that regret, how the adoptive families involved with such people are dealing with it and how it doesn’t have to be this huge, scary thing that sends everyone running for the hills.

A quote to get some minds going:

Regret is no stranger to birthparents. It is, of course, a reality for everyone, but it is an especially common and prominent companion for birthparents. It may be as modest as a sporadic twinge of forlorn longing or as oppressive as a lifetimes of relentless remorse.

-James L Gritter, Lifegivers

So, no, I don’t want to hear, “Oh, I have no regrets.” Look up the definitions. If you’ve ever wished that things could have gone differently or that your child could have been present on x-day or that their birthday wasn’t such an emotional drain, you’ve experienced some form of regret. We train people to think that regret is totally negative, something to be avoided at all costs. I come to argue that regret, while not always a pleasant feeling, can motivate us in better directions. Regret doesn’t have to rule our lives; sure, it’s present but it doesn’t have to take over every aspect, every corner, every nook and cranny.

It’s such a big topic. There’s so much to say. So much to learn. So much.

My mind has been boggled for the past day or so and I’ve had to remind myself, repeatedly, that we all have our own emotions and experiences in adoption. However, the fears of others really got me overwhelmed and I had to ask D a question, point blank:

Me: Are you threatened by me at all?
D: threatened by you?
D: no. why?

I go on to explain a recent discussion in which adoptive moms were being open and honest (which is good!) about how they are threatened by the existence of their child’s birth mother which has, as you could imagine, caused some riffs here and there in the communication process. D did admit to feeling unsure of what to say when someone comments on Munchkin’s beauty, feeling as though she is lying for “taking credit” for something she had no biological input into but other than that, her final answer to this question made my nerves calm a bit:

Me: but does my existence make it hard for you to feel like ariana’s “MOM”
D: oh heck no

I’m not speaking for all birth mothers, adoptive mothers and the various situations that can happen between the two. I’m just wanting to put it out there that not all adoptive mothers are threatened, not all birth mothers are threatening and yes, the two can work together without major and constant conflict.

I am not a threatening person. I have, at times, spoken out of turn and not thought through my words as thoroughly as I should have before speaking. Thankfully, I have seen the error in doing that in the few times that it has happened and my apologies have been welcomed and accepted. Other than that, I am a first mother who believes in respecting my daughter’s parents by following through with set boundaries, asking questions when necessary and being a consistent presence (so that they’re not left wondering when I’ll show up or what I’ll do next). I know that not all first family members are as “easy” to deal with (though referring to myself as easy to deal with makes me laugh really, really hard).

At the same time, I know how truly blessed and lucky I am (we are) that D isn’t threatened by my mere existence. I don’t feel a constant need to walk on eggshells just to make sure that she feels like she is the Munchkin’s Mom; she is, plain and simple. Munchkin is truly the lucky one that D was able to step in and fill that role, even with my continuous involvement, without a huge amount of hesitation or fear. While I benefit from the fact that D isn’t threatened by my existence and involvement, I think the truth remains that Munchkin is the true beneficiary of D’s acceptance and love of me and my (our) participation in their family.

After all, it is about the Munchkin, no?