For those readers whose have had issue with their parents’ involvement in the relinquishment of their child, I need to know how you worked on forgiving them for their involvement and/or I need to know why it is too hard for you to do such a thing. I’m working on a brief post or two for the birth/first parent blog and …
quite frankly…
I don’t know if my own answer applies to the majority of birth parents who took issue with their parents. For me, it took becoming a daily, everyday parent (to BigBrother) for me to realize that I wanted a bond with my Mom and Dad, past issues be darned, and that I was going to just go ahead and let my own walls drop. Of course, in letting those walls drop, my Mom and I had some great discussions about why things happened the way they did (thus leading me to find out about the severe miscommunication) and, in that, I was further healed. Again, I don’t know or think that this is how all birth parents come to forgiveness and I know a few who have felt even MORE angry with their parents upon becoming everyday parents. So, obviously, going off of my own experience here doesn’t fully answer the question.
Help me out with a comment, e-mail or post on your own blog. (Also, any links to sites about forgiveness and/or quotes about forgiveness will be appreciated and welcomed. I have one already but I think that I may need one or two more!)
10 Responses to “Forgiving Parents: How?”
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My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
I have a real hard time forgiving. But here’s the thing, my troubles in this particular topic are just one more stone to the pile. The actions, inactions, behaviors, emotions and relationship conflicts were there long before the adoption happened.
They could not be my soft place to fall.
What is that story about the kid who says ugly things and is forced to hammer in a nail each time he says hurtful things. Eventually he stops having to hammer in nails and is then told each time he holds his tongue that he has to go remove the nail. The lesson is to look at the permanent damage done by the things that were said even wen taken back.
That story pretty much sums up my feelings.
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For me, it helped to have my parents ASK for forgiveness and admit they were wrong and they failed me. Both my parents, separately, years apart, said in their own way that they realized what had been done to me, they regretted it and they were sorry.
My mother told me early on (well, maybe like 5 years later) she knew I was mad at her, knew I blamed her, knew she failed me. That was HUGE for me.
My father, like ten years later, said a similiar thing to both me and my mother (in separate conversations)
It makes me cry now just thinking about it.
I believe I have forgiven them but I still struggle to understand. Meaning I am not angry or bitter or punishing them but I just dont understand HOW they could let it happen.
Of course, intellectually, I realize they were products of their own dysfunctional upbringings, societies views and the teachings of a conservative catholic church.
They may not have been the best parents for me but they did the best they could given what they knew and beleived.
What would be the point in continuing to beat them up, harbor angst, etc. It is what it is. I cannot get my daughter back. I will never be her mother in the traditional sense. Why keep punishing them?
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I’ve been a lurker on your blog for a while want to thank you for putting it all out there. I am an adoptive mom with a fully open adoption, sadly we only have one-way communication right now with our daughter’s first momma, but we hopefull for more one day, one day soon!
An old therpaist once told me she heard this at a conference on forgiveness….”Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a better past” – not sure who said this, but it works for me most days. I hope it will work for our daughter one day too. Thank you for all you give of yourself, it really helps me keep my eyes and heart open.
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Hi
I am an adoptive momma in an open adoption. I have been reading (lurking on) your site for a while and I really appreciate you putting it all out there about your experiences.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a better past”
A therapist shared this with me, she said she heard it at a forgiveness conference. I am not sure who said it…but it works for me most days. I hope it will work for our daughter one day too.
Thanks for helping me keep my eyes and heart open by sharing your journey.
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sorry, didn’t realize the first post went through…I’m new to this :)
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“For me, it helped to have my parents ASK for forgiveness and admit they were wrong and they failed me. Both my parents, separately, years apart, said in their own way that they realized what had been done to me, they regretted it and they were sorry.”
Ditto that. That was the single hugest factor for me, too… the fact that my parents apologized.
Of course not all parents will apologize. Though I think it’s possible that SOME might, if asked to. (I would imagine though if someone was going to outright ask for an apology, they’d have to pretty sure their parents had softened up and recognized the mistakes and would be at least willing to consider apologizing. So I’m not advocating everyone run out and ask their parents to apologize as if it will solve everything. Depends on the overall relationship, I think. I know when my mom hurts me that I can tell her and she will apologize. Not everyone, sadly, has that with their mother.)
Also, though… and this IS relevant for everyone, I think… I had to realize that forgiving is about my own well-being and health; it’s not about religion or something I “should” do; it’s not for the sake of the person who wronged me; and it’s not the same as condoning what happened. It’s simply about releasing anger and bitterness (oooh, those words! Okay don’t use those if they are going to get used against us, LOL), so that I can be healthy and well.
In a nutshell: had to realize that forgiveness is for me, not for the person I forgive.
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In a nutshell: had to realize that forgiveness is for me, not for the person I forgive.
Completely agree, Nicole. Have said this many times myself.
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Mmm, Nicole: In a nutshell: had to realize that forgiveness is for me, not for the person I forgive.
What a statement right there. And, when you look at that, it makes sense as to how my own mind/heart was changed/softened when I became an everyday parent and began viewing absolutely (positively) everything in a different light. Hmm, I think you really hit on something insightful there… thank you much!
Suz; you also hit on the actual apology factor. I had to wait just over a full year after I decided to “let go” before I got that apology (which was over the discussion of miscommunication) and, even though I had “let go” prior to that… it was something really powerful to me to hear those words from my own mother. I wish everyone could get an apology…
Lori; I like that quote. I’m going to ponder it for awhile, TOO.
Magic; I don’t think I’ve actually heard that story before but… wow… that’s powerful in any sentiment and quite appropriate for this discussion, no?
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I don’t think I can ever forgive my parents. I have to compartmentalize the experience; go into another space to have a relationship with them.
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I have forgiven my father but I’m not sure I’ve fully forgiven my mother. My father has expressed regret. He’s said he’s sorry. My mother (who’s not a nice or lovable person in any other respect, either) will NEVER says she’s sorry – about anything, not just this – and she just keeps up with the hurtful comments. She ruined Christmas with it last year, and I seriously thought my relationship with her was over because of it.
We’ve reached a wary peace, but I don’t feel full forgiveness. I’ve accomplished understanding where she is concerned, but am still angry.
I like what Vicki wrote, and it’s true for me and my mom – I have to compartmentalize my relationship with her. It’s not a normal relationship.
I have always wondered what percentage of birthmoms have difficult relationships with their own mothers. I would love to do some research on that.
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