In reading a NYT article, “Do Parents Feel Differently About Their Adoptive Children Than Their Offspring,” I got to pondering the question itself as well as its flip-size counterpart. I don’t have all of the answers, as per usual, but I have my own thought processes involved in the subject. Quite frankly, the answers, as with all answers, will vary.
I’m sure that the majority of adoptive parents who read the title of the article jumped up and said, “Well, of course not!” I’m sure that the truth is that many adoptive parents do not love their biological children any more than their adopted children. Many parents are capable of loving more than one child, no matter how the child entered the family unit. The truth remains, however, that some (adoptive) parents may favor their biological child over an adopted child. It’s not an always or never kind of question; some people might, others might not.
It falls the same for first parents, I’m afraid. As much as I don’t want to say it.
Many of the birth parents that I know, those who blog or communicate with me via forums and e-mail, would have a strong and hearty, “No, I don’t love my parented child more than my placed child.” Though some have argued in the past that you should love your parented child more than your placed child, there are many of us who disagree with that thought process.
Speaking personally, I don’t love BigBrother (or LittleBrother, yet to be born) more than I love the Munchkin. I simply don’t. I do love them, however, in different ways because the situation requires a different way of expressing that love. For those who don’t quite understand that statement, I’ll give an example:
In loving my parented son, BigBrother, I set the boundaries to keep him safe. I do that with love. I don’t let him eat many sweets and I make sure he brushes his teeth before bed. When he hits his cousin while they are playing, I take him out of the room and have a discussion about why we do not hit our friends/relatives and then I get to do the soothing because I was the Mean Mommy and removed him from his play time. I do all of that, even the disciplining, with love. I love him. And I want him to grow up to respect himself and others. I am in charge of that learning process, of those boundaries.
It’s not that way with Munchkin. If she hits BigBrother when they are playing, it is not my job to remove her from the situation or to console her after she has been reprimanded. The boundary issue falls on her everyday Mom. D is in charge of loving her in that manner, of showing her those things. It’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s just not my place to do so. The only way that I can show her love in that kind of similar parenting role is by respecting the boundaries that D and J set for her, by respecting her parent’s wishes for how she is to be raised. Meaning, that during a visit if the Munchkin tries to pull a fast one on the grown-ups and asks me for cake right before dinner, I will either send her to her Mom (or Dad) to ask the question or defer to how I know (or assume) D would handle the issue.
Obviously, handling my placed child and my parented child(ren) happen in very, very different manners. That does not change the love that is in my heart for any of them; not one bit. I would give my life, wholly and completely, for either Munchkin or BigBrother (and LittleBrother). I will fight to the death to protect them from harm. I feel fiercely protective of Munchkin, even though she isn’t under my physical wing of protection, much like I feel protective of my son(s). When the big toy recall happened, my mind wasn’t only wondering whether or not our own toybox was infested with the offending toys but I worried whether or not the Munchkin (and her brother) had them, too!
All that said, I can’t speak for other first mothers. As I said, I’ve seen other mothers speak to the same thing as I’ve written about regarding my own personal experience with this topic. But the truth remains, either because they were told that’s how it had to be or because of their own personal beliefs or because of their own emotional issues, some birth parents do not feel the same way about the two sets of children. If they did, we wouldn’t have posts like this that really hit at the heart of all first parents who do love their children equally. I cannot, for the life of me, ever imagine ostracizing my daughter in the way that the linked adoptee (and countless others) have been; treated as second class children by their own biological parents. I don’t want to imagine what would have to happen to me in order for me to treat the daughter that I love, so dearly, in such a manner.
And so, while I’m sure the world wants to believe that all adoptive parents love their adopted children just as much as their biological children, we can’t use the word “always.” Just the same, we can’t use the word “always” in regards to how birth parents feel about their children either. In a perfect world, as so many others have mentioned, these would never be issues. I can only hope, as time progresses, that more and more birth parents feel as I do about the children that have been placed for adoption.
Not for our sake. Not for the sake of breaking stereotypes and stigmas. No.
For the sake of our children.
