Flip Question: Do First Parents Feel Differently About Their Children?
Posted: August 20, 2007 at 6:07 pmIn reading a NYT article, “Do Parents Feel Differently About Their Adoptive Children Than Their Offspring,” I got to pondering the question itself as well as its flip-size counterpart. I don’t have all of the answers, as per usual, but I have my own thought processes involved in the subject. Quite frankly, the answers, as with all answers, will vary.
I’m sure that the majority of adoptive parents who read the title of the article jumped up and said, “Well, of course not!” I’m sure that the truth is that many adoptive parents do not love their biological children any more than their adopted children. Many parents are capable of loving more than one child, no matter how the child entered the family unit. The truth remains, however, that some (adoptive) parents may favor their biological child over an adopted child. It’s not an always or never kind of question; some people might, others might not.
It falls the same for first parents, I’m afraid. As much as I don’t want to say it.
Many of the birth parents that I know, those who blog or communicate with me via forums and e-mail, would have a strong and hearty, “No, I don’t love my parented child more than my placed child.” Though some have argued in the past that you should love your parented child more than your placed child, there are many of us who disagree with that thought process.
Speaking personally, I don’t love BigBrother (or LittleBrother, yet to be born) more than I love the Munchkin. I simply don’t. I do love them, however, in different ways because the situation requires a different way of expressing that love. For those who don’t quite understand that statement, I’ll give an example:
In loving my parented son, BigBrother, I set the boundaries to keep him safe. I do that with love. I don’t let him eat many sweets and I make sure he brushes his teeth before bed. When he hits his cousin while they are playing, I take him out of the room and have a discussion about why we do not hit our friends/relatives and then I get to do the soothing because I was the Mean Mommy and removed him from his play time. I do all of that, even the disciplining, with love. I love him. And I want him to grow up to respect himself and others. I am in charge of that learning process, of those boundaries.
It’s not that way with Munchkin. If she hits BigBrother when they are playing, it is not my job to remove her from the situation or to console her after she has been reprimanded. The boundary issue falls on her everyday Mom. D is in charge of loving her in that manner, of showing her those things. It’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s just not my place to do so. The only way that I can show her love in that kind of similar parenting role is by respecting the boundaries that D and J set for her, by respecting her parent’s wishes for how she is to be raised. Meaning, that during a visit if the Munchkin tries to pull a fast one on the grown-ups and asks me for cake right before dinner, I will either send her to her Mom (or Dad) to ask the question or defer to how I know (or assume) D would handle the issue.
Obviously, handling my placed child and my parented child(ren) happen in very, very different manners. That does not change the love that is in my heart for any of them; not one bit. I would give my life, wholly and completely, for either Munchkin or BigBrother (and LittleBrother). I will fight to the death to protect them from harm. I feel fiercely protective of Munchkin, even though she isn’t under my physical wing of protection, much like I feel protective of my son(s). When the big toy recall happened, my mind wasn’t only wondering whether or not our own toybox was infested with the offending toys but I worried whether or not the Munchkin (and her brother) had them, too!
All that said, I can’t speak for other first mothers. As I said, I’ve seen other mothers speak to the same thing as I’ve written about regarding my own personal experience with this topic. But the truth remains, either because they were told that’s how it had to be or because of their own personal beliefs or because of their own emotional issues, some birth parents do not feel the same way about the two sets of children. If they did, we wouldn’t have posts like this that really hit at the heart of all first parents who do love their children equally. I cannot, for the life of me, ever imagine ostracizing my daughter in the way that the linked adoptee (and countless others) have been; treated as second class children by their own biological parents. I don’t want to imagine what would have to happen to me in order for me to treat the daughter that I love, so dearly, in such a manner.
And so, while I’m sure the world wants to believe that all adoptive parents love their adopted children just as much as their biological children, we can’t use the word “always.” Just the same, we can’t use the word “always” in regards to how birth parents feel about their children either. In a perfect world, as so many others have mentioned, these would never be issues. I can only hope, as time progresses, that more and more birth parents feel as I do about the children that have been placed for adoption.
Not for our sake. Not for the sake of breaking stereotypes and stigmas. No.
For the sake of our children.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
no different for me. never has. never will be. worry the same, care the same, would give the same, would die for them all. never want them to hurt. want to do whatever i can to avoid them hurting.
that being said, the type of love, the approach, the expression is different due to their different circumstances and personalities. my son nikolas is a very caring, open, loving, easy going, receptive child. my youngest, is cautious, careful, questioning, moody, high strung, etc. what works for my oldest does not work for my youngest.
its harder in some ways to love my daughter because adoption removed the ability to naturally sense those things..to know what she responds to, needs, wants..but we are working on it.
love them all. they are all my children.
but we are working on it.
I think that’s the key, no? BigBrother changes, from milestone to milestone, in how he wants love expressed or how he expresses that love on his own. So does Munchkin. But you hit on something else very key to the point… that it’s harder to express because of the adoption and that removal of roles, that step back into a lesser role (though still important). I’m thinking that sometimes, though not all, that’s why we see this inability for individual birth parents to connect with their placed children on certain levels. (Though sometimes it’s issues of personality, belief, inability to process, emotions, et al.) I’m not making excuses for any birth parent who can’t and won’t step up to the plate but… I get it on a level.
I just hope I never get it on THAT level.
Jenna,
Read Theresa/ULB’s post of 8/15/07. Heartbreaking contact denial.
And so, while I’m sure the world wants to believe that all adoptive parents love their adopted children just as much as their biological children, we can’t use the word “always.â€
That is, very unfortunately, true. I’ve heard even adoptive parents talk like this: “we have one of our own and two adopted.” That gives me the chills coming from their own parents. At least the media and others have the excuse of not knowing any better. Their own parents should know better.
This is all so sad :-( The more parents that love a child the better. Really….isn’t it best to have more love than less? Sad to think that first parents or adoptive parents chose to love a child less. I sometimes have a flip situation as well. I love my kid as much or I don’t know…MORE than a bio kid (cause I’m not gonna have a bio kid :-) but I often feel like I have to diclose that she is adopted cause otherwise I am accused of being delusional, that I’m not really HER parent, so I have to disclose that she’s adopted or I’m living a lie.
That makes me feel a little sad, cause I always feel like I have to disclose that I didn’t give birth to my kiddo :-( or if I don’t make that disclosure, somehow I am ruining her. I know that my kiddo’s mom loves her, I know it, but she’s had a hard life and drugs have clouded her ability to parent. She wants nothing to do with our child. She never wants to see her again. So I am stuck, I want kiddo to know she has a first mom who loves her, and that I love her more than anything on earth, but I feel stares of anger if I don’t disclose that I’m an adoptive parent and don’t honor the person who choses not to see her.
PS. When I said that I would love her MORE than a bio kid cause I’m not having a bio kid. I meant that I would not love that bio child more or less than my adopted children…each child, whether by birth or adoption (as Jenna said) needs to be loved equally for the beautiful being they are.
Its hard for me to read these kind of posts. Most of you know why. I just think about how she was probably treated. If I was born in the ambulance like I suspect, I was torn from her arms. She was not allowed to hold me. She was not allowed to see me. If she did make it to the hospital, she was tied to the bed. She was knocked out so she couldn’t see me. She was treated like an abhorrance (don’t know if I spelled that right). She was humiliated and shamed. I so understand her pain. It infuriates me that she was treated that way. Her pain and shame sadly keep her from me. I still understand. I hope that she heals. I do get angry at times but I am yanked back to the reality of our lives. I want to be acknowledged by her but I am beginning to accept her choice. I still love her in spite of it all. I get what I need from other natural mothers. They have helped me heal in so many ways. So I fight to make it a safer place for us all.
You have articulated well something I have been trying to explain for quite a while. I have two bio sons and a daughter adopted from China. When people wonder if I love them the same, I say “the same amount but not in the same way.” The way I see it, love is boundless and borderless and each of my children occupies my entire heart. But only my daughter has to be comforted when she cries a heartrending, primal cry in the middle of the night. Only she wonders whether her birthmother has long hair and I have to say “I don’t know, what do you think?” Only she has to feel sad when she sees a baby nursing and asks “Did I get Mommymilk from you?” and I have to say “no.” So it is in our caring and in our actions that the expression of our love differs. But amount? How do you quantify love anyway? It is like counting the stars or the sand. They each have all my love.
DS-L