Comments on: Flip Question: Do First Parents Feel Differently About Their Children? http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/ Writing Our Ever-Evolving Story Sat, 19 May 2012 16:21:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: DS-L http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2156 DS-L Tue, 21 Aug 2007 12:01:25 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2156 You have articulated well something I have been trying to explain for quite a while. I have two bio sons and a daughter adopted from China. When people wonder if I love them the same, I say "the same amount but not in the same way." The way I see it, love is boundless and borderless and each of my children occupies my entire heart. But only my daughter has to be comforted when she cries a heartrending, primal cry in the middle of the night. Only she wonders whether her birthmother has long hair and I have to say "I don't know, what do you think?" Only she has to feel sad when she sees a baby nursing and asks "Did I get Mommymilk from you?" and I have to say "no." So it is in our caring and in our actions that the expression of our love differs. But amount? How do you quantify love anyway? It is like counting the stars or the sand. They each have all my love. DS-L You have articulated well something I have been trying to explain for quite a while. I have two bio sons and a daughter adopted from China. When people wonder if I love them the same, I say “the same amount but not in the same way.” The way I see it, love is boundless and borderless and each of my children occupies my entire heart. But only my daughter has to be comforted when she cries a heartrending, primal cry in the middle of the night. Only she wonders whether her birthmother has long hair and I have to say “I don’t know, what do you think?” Only she has to feel sad when she sees a baby nursing and asks “Did I get Mommymilk from you?” and I have to say “no.” So it is in our caring and in our actions that the expression of our love differs. But amount? How do you quantify love anyway? It is like counting the stars or the sand. They each have all my love.
DS-L

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]]> By: Amyadoptee http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2162 Amyadoptee Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:50:12 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2162 Its hard for me to read these kind of posts. Most of you know why. I just think about how she was probably treated. If I was born in the ambulance like I suspect, I was torn from her arms. She was not allowed to hold me. She was not allowed to see me. If she did make it to the hospital, she was tied to the bed. She was knocked out so she couldn't see me. She was treated like an abhorrance (don't know if I spelled that right). She was humiliated and shamed. I so understand her pain. It infuriates me that she was treated that way. Her pain and shame sadly keep her from me. I still understand. I hope that she heals. I do get angry at times but I am yanked back to the reality of our lives. I want to be acknowledged by her but I am beginning to accept her choice. I still love her in spite of it all. I get what I need from other natural mothers. They have helped me heal in so many ways. So I fight to make it a safer place for us all. Its hard for me to read these kind of posts. Most of you know why. I just think about how she was probably treated. If I was born in the ambulance like I suspect, I was torn from her arms. She was not allowed to hold me. She was not allowed to see me. If she did make it to the hospital, she was tied to the bed. She was knocked out so she couldn’t see me. She was treated like an abhorrance (don’t know if I spelled that right). She was humiliated and shamed. I so understand her pain. It infuriates me that she was treated that way. Her pain and shame sadly keep her from me. I still understand. I hope that she heals. I do get angry at times but I am yanked back to the reality of our lives. I want to be acknowledged by her but I am beginning to accept her choice. I still love her in spite of it all. I get what I need from other natural mothers. They have helped me heal in so many ways. So I fight to make it a safer place for us all.

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]]> By: Lorie http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2161 Lorie Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:44:12 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2161 PS. When I said that I would love her MORE than a bio kid cause I'm not having a bio kid. I meant that I would not love that bio child more or less than my adopted children...each child, whether by birth or adoption (as Jenna said) needs to be loved equally for the beautiful being they are. PS. When I said that I would love her MORE than a bio kid cause I’m not having a bio kid. I meant that I would not love that bio child more or less than my adopted children…each child, whether by birth or adoption (as Jenna said) needs to be loved equally for the beautiful being they are.

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]]> By: Lorie http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2160 Lorie Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:30:28 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2160 This is all so sad :-( The more parents that love a child the better. Really....isn't it best to have more love than less? Sad to think that first parents or adoptive parents chose to love a child less. I sometimes have a flip situation as well. I love my kid as much or I don't know...MORE than a bio kid (cause I'm not gonna have a bio kid :-) but I often feel like I have to diclose that she is adopted cause otherwise I am accused of being delusional, that I'm not really HER parent, so I have to disclose that she's adopted or I'm living a lie. That makes me feel a little sad, cause I always feel like I have to disclose that I didn't give birth to my kiddo :-( or if I don't make that disclosure, somehow I am ruining her. I know that my kiddo's mom loves her, I know it, but she's had a hard life and drugs have clouded her ability to parent. She wants nothing to do with our child. She never wants to see her again. So I am stuck, I want kiddo to know she has a first mom who loves her, and that I love her more than anything on earth, but I feel stares of anger if I don't disclose that I'm an adoptive parent and don't honor the person who choses not to see her. This is all so sad :-( The more parents that love a child the better. Really….isn’t it best to have more love than less? Sad to think that first parents or adoptive parents chose to love a child less. I sometimes have a flip situation as well. I love my kid as much or I don’t know…MORE than a bio kid (cause I’m not gonna have a bio kid :-) but I often feel like I have to diclose that she is adopted cause otherwise I am accused of being delusional, that I’m not really HER parent, so I have to disclose that she’s adopted or I’m living a lie.

That makes me feel a little sad, cause I always feel like I have to disclose that I didn’t give birth to my kiddo :-( or if I don’t make that disclosure, somehow I am ruining her. I know that my kiddo’s mom loves her, I know it, but she’s had a hard life and drugs have clouded her ability to parent. She wants nothing to do with our child. She never wants to see her again. So I am stuck, I want kiddo to know she has a first mom who loves her, and that I love her more than anything on earth, but I feel stares of anger if I don’t disclose that I’m an adoptive parent and don’t honor the person who choses not to see her.

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]]> By: Judy http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2157 Judy Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:19:01 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2157 Jenna, Read <a href="http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot.com/2007/08/what-you-need-to-know.html" rel="nofollow">Theresa/ULB's post</a> of 8/15/07. Heartbreaking contact denial. <em>And so, while I’m sure the world wants to believe that all adoptive parents love their adopted children just as much as their biological children, we can’t use the word “always.”</em> That is, very unfortunately, true. I've heard even adoptive parents talk like this: "we have one of our own and two adopted." That gives me the chills coming from their own parents. At least the media and others have the excuse of not knowing any better. Their own parents <strong>should</strong> know better. Jenna,

Read Theresa/ULB’s post of 8/15/07. Heartbreaking contact denial.

And so, while I’m sure the world wants to believe that all adoptive parents love their adopted children just as much as their biological children, we can’t use the word “always.”

That is, very unfortunately, true. I’ve heard even adoptive parents talk like this: “we have one of our own and two adopted.” That gives me the chills coming from their own parents. At least the media and others have the excuse of not knowing any better. Their own parents should know better.

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]]> By: Jenna http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2158 Jenna Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:11:23 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2158 <em>but we are working on it.</em> I think that's the key, no? BigBrother changes, from milestone to milestone, in how he wants love expressed or how he expresses that love on his own. So does Munchkin. But you hit on something else very key to the point... that it's harder to express because of the adoption and that removal of roles, that step back into a lesser role (though still important). I'm thinking that sometimes, though not all, that's why we see this inability for individual birth parents to connect with their placed children on certain levels. (Though sometimes it's issues of personality, belief, inability to process, emotions, et al.) I'm not making excuses for any birth parent who can't and won't step up to the plate but... I get it on a level. I just hope I never get it on THAT level. but we are working on it.

I think that’s the key, no? BigBrother changes, from milestone to milestone, in how he wants love expressed or how he expresses that love on his own. So does Munchkin. But you hit on something else very key to the point… that it’s harder to express because of the adoption and that removal of roles, that step back into a lesser role (though still important). I’m thinking that sometimes, though not all, that’s why we see this inability for individual birth parents to connect with their placed children on certain levels. (Though sometimes it’s issues of personality, belief, inability to process, emotions, et al.) I’m not making excuses for any birth parent who can’t and won’t step up to the plate but… I get it on a level.

I just hope I never get it on THAT level.

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]]> By: suz http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/comment-page-1/#comment-2159 suz Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:00:38 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/20/flip-question-do-first-parents-feel-differently-about-their-children/#comment-2159 no different for me. never has. never will be. worry the same, care the same, would give the same, would die for them all. never want them to hurt. want to do whatever i can to avoid them hurting. that being said, the type of love, the approach, the expression is different due to their different circumstances and personalities. my son nikolas is a very caring, open, loving, easy going, receptive child. my youngest, is cautious, careful, questioning, moody, high strung, etc. what works for my oldest does not work for my youngest. its harder in some ways to love my daughter because adoption removed the ability to naturally sense those things..to know what she responds to, needs, wants..but we are working on it. love them all. they are all my children. no different for me. never has. never will be. worry the same, care the same, would give the same, would die for them all. never want them to hurt. want to do whatever i can to avoid them hurting.

that being said, the type of love, the approach, the expression is different due to their different circumstances and personalities. my son nikolas is a very caring, open, loving, easy going, receptive child. my youngest, is cautious, careful, questioning, moody, high strung, etc. what works for my oldest does not work for my youngest.

its harder in some ways to love my daughter because adoption removed the ability to naturally sense those things..to know what she responds to, needs, wants..but we are working on it.

love them all. they are all my children.

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