Let’s pose a totally hypothetical situation for the sake of being argumentative, not in hopes of educating anyone or learning something about ourselves. Nope, just to be a complete thumb-biter.
How would you feel if your adult child came to you and said, “Ya know, I really don’t like your parents. Grandma always gave me the heebie-jeebies. I think my life was hindered by their presence in my life, however minimal. I really wish you would have had the foresight to see such things and only let them write me letters.”
Sounds absolutely insane, doesn’t it?
You would never dream, shy of abusive and violent situations (whether with you or current ones), of keeping your own parents from your child no matter how that child entered your family. Even when BigBrother was born and my parents and I were having difficulty, I called them to pass on the information of his birth. It was actually a catalyst in some of our healing. As I looked at the beauty that was my little boy, I couldn’t imagine keeping that beauty to myself; I needed my parents to know him, to love him as well.
So why, do explain, would certain anti-openness camps try to state that the reason that all open adoptions should be only semi-open is “just in case the kid doesn’t like the contact that they had with the birth family when they reach adulthood.” I’m not talking about subjecting the child to abusive or violent situations. That should never, never be an option for any child no matter who the family member might be and I’ll stand firm on that belief for an eternity. But, really, can someone please show me the difference in these two scenarios?
We all have family members that we don’t like, as children and as adults. No family is perfect. No family is easy. Every family has issues, problems, battles and strange people. (Well, my family has strange people and I would assume that almost every one has someone who falls under the title of unique.) There are a few of my own family members that I don’t particularly care for, either because of personality clashes or situations that have happened since I became an “official adult.”
Quite frankly, if I went to my mother and said, “Ya know, your Mom is kind of wacky. (She is.) She drives me batty at times. (She does.) She’s not always really reliable. (It’s true.) And really, I don’t think you should have let her be in my life other than maybe sending me cards or birthday presents.” My mother, who doesn’t always get along with her own mother, would laugh me out of the room. She also feels the same ways about her own mother depending on what issues they’re dealing with at the time. She also recognizes the importance of family and the fact that just because you want to, usually, you can’t write them off. Well, you can, but that’s not really cool either.
All of that aside, when the Munchkin is old enough to start making decisions about who she likes, doesn’t like and so on, if she says that she wants me to step back for awhile, I will quietly oblige. Until that point, I will be consistently available.
Yes, open adoption should be about what is best for the child. As none of us are particular mind readers and can’t predict how their personality will process the involvement when they are of age to make those decisions on their own, treating family like family would seem to make the most sense to me.
Family is always family. You can try to deny it as much as you want but somethings are, simply, undeniable.
10 Responses to “Family is Always Family”
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Ok, just when I think a-parents (as a group, not as individuals) can’t be any dumber, you put me back in my place. Good grief.
I think what shaped my heart about the whole adoption triad was my sister. M came to live with us when she was 4. Before that time, she was my cousin. Her mom passed away and her dad wasn’t able to care for her, so she lived with us.
I saw, growing up, how important her first dad was to her. As an adult, she now has built a relationship of forgiveness and acceptance with him. And she has included us as her siblings in that relationship. I have learned so much from her.
No, he wasn’t a stellar dad (and still isn’t some times) but none of that matters. She has learned to respect and value him and he her.
And that’s exactly what it should be. I can’t imagine anyone denying this to a child.
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Really really REALLY good point. Got nothing to add except my head bobbing, which you can’t see, which is why I am commenting.
Bobblehead Sue
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I did forget that, to some families, family might not be as important. To them, I suppose, this argument might not make sense. So, for that assumption, I suppose I should probably apologize. However, the argument is the same: no matter who is in your child’s life, family or friend, your child could dislike their presence. Unless you keep your child in a bubble, you run the risk of their disliking someone you have in their life. It’s a fact of parenting.
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Good post Jenna.
As an adoptive mom I feel that my daughter’s birth family is my family and vise versa. We’re family through all that life brings. Like it or lump it…Family is Family!
I guess my only other comment is, what if my kid grows up and doesn’t like me? duh! Too bad kid! You’re stuck with me! :)
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Parents do keep people out of their children’s lives — including all sorts of family — but if you dig deeply enough it has nothing to do with the children and everything to do with the parents’ discomfort. That is what is going on with first families too. It is hard work to keep them in your children’s lives, it can be unsettling, uncomfortable and nerve wracking. (Also joyous and heart fulfilling but I am trying to explain a-parents here). So they decide it is not worth it. And can’t blame themselves. So they cover it in protecting their children. Good post.
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Just thinkng ..
May be there should be more counseling for a parents.
May be some families who wants close adoption may have a fantasy idea about a ” normal ” family and it may feel unnatural for them to include birth parents.
Because in that way they will always be reminded of the fact that the child has another mom and dad. I think some of them want to believe that blood relatives is not important . But deep down they believe otherwise. So that can be the problem.
So I think may be trying to reduce the importance of birth mom in an other way may haunt and increases the importance.
So it may not be about ” what is best for the baby ” it can be about ” what is best for them” .
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That poster has tried every which way to find an excuse to have a closed adoption. Now she says in one post it is not about her adoptee opinions and yet the next post says “as an adoptee,” blah blah. So WHICH is it?
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Yeah, we’ve had that same discussion in our house. No one in a traditionally-created family says “When you’re 18, you can make up your own mind about whether you want to meet your [insert relative here].”
I don’t know whether to be glad that DD’s bio-dad lives too far for visits to be practical, so there aren’t arguments about whether she should visit, or sad that he lives so far, because she has no chance to really know him regardless of the outcome of any arguments.
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sorry, but it’s just not comparing apples and apples here. grandma didn’t place said child for adoption. we all admit that children feel HUGE loss in adoption. this loss is eventually connected (on some level) with the birthfamily. not just some quirkiness of grandma. we’re talking about way deeper issues here.
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“Jt;” Hence the added need for honesty and consistency in a relationship with the birth family. Thanks for further making my point so well!
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