My mind has been boggled for the past day or so and I’ve had to remind myself, repeatedly, that we all have our own emotions and experiences in adoption. However, the fears of others really got me overwhelmed and I had to ask D a question, point blank:
Me: Are you threatened by me at all?
D: threatened by you?
D: no. why?
I go on to explain a recent discussion in which adoptive moms were being open and honest (which is good!) about how they are threatened by the existence of their child’s birth mother which has, as you could imagine, caused some riffs here and there in the communication process. D did admit to feeling unsure of what to say when someone comments on Munchkin’s beauty, feeling as though she is lying for “taking credit” for something she had no biological input into but other than that, her final answer to this question made my nerves calm a bit:
Me: but does my existence make it hard for you to feel like ariana’s “MOM”
D: oh heck no
I’m not speaking for all birth mothers, adoptive mothers and the various situations that can happen between the two. I’m just wanting to put it out there that not all adoptive mothers are threatened, not all birth mothers are threatening and yes, the two can work together without major and constant conflict.
I am not a threatening person. I have, at times, spoken out of turn and not thought through my words as thoroughly as I should have before speaking. Thankfully, I have seen the error in doing that in the few times that it has happened and my apologies have been welcomed and accepted. Other than that, I am a first mother who believes in respecting my daughter’s parents by following through with set boundaries, asking questions when necessary and being a consistent presence (so that they’re not left wondering when I’ll show up or what I’ll do next). I know that not all first family members are as “easy” to deal with (though referring to myself as easy to deal with makes me laugh really, really hard).
At the same time, I know how truly blessed and lucky I am (we are) that D isn’t threatened by my mere existence. I don’t feel a constant need to walk on eggshells just to make sure that she feels like she is the Munchkin’s Mom; she is, plain and simple. Munchkin is truly the lucky one that D was able to step in and fill that role, even with my continuous involvement, without a huge amount of hesitation or fear. While I benefit from the fact that D isn’t threatened by my existence and involvement, I think the truth remains that Munchkin is the true beneficiary of D’s acceptance and love of me and my (our) participation in their family.
After all, it is about the Munchkin, no?
12 Responses to “On Feeling Threatened”
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My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
I recently read the thread you’re referring to, or at least on that hit on the same topic. It did make me think about our relationship with N.
Am I threatened by her existence as first mother? I don’t THINK so…thus far, I’ve been more concerned that I might be threatening in some way to her, and trying to do what I can to invite her into our son’s life instead of dreaming of ways to avoid it. I have no known reason to fear her and I feel pretty secure in my role as Mommy. I recently learned that a family member had voiced a fear that N. might someday try to take him away–as in kidnap the baby–WTF??? One more reason Lifetime Movie Channel should be made to go away.
all that being said, I know that there may be a time when our relationship may change and not necessarily for the better, because after all, we’re humans in a new relationship and communicating primarily thru email (so, really, what could POSSIBLY go wrong there??). But I really hope if that were to happen, I’d be wise enough to muddle through it, because it IS about him over and above everyone else.
Good starter for a blog post…
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i cannot speak for open adoption but i am going to GUESS this is quite common in closed. out of sight, out of mind. i would also guess that those that choose open are perhaps more open (haha) minded and educated on these things (some, not all).
i can tell you that my daughters adoptive mother is very threatened by me (without any knowledge of me or my intent or the relationship with my daughter). its all in her head at this point.
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Twitter: thiswomanswork
says:
I am absolutely NOT threatened by Jessica and I think you nailed it when you said it’s all about the Munchkin. I find Jessica’s presence in our family very fulfilling and — this is something I’m trying to put into the sample chapter I’m working on — I feel very much that one of the most important things I can do in mothering Madison is make way for Jessica’s mothering. So recognizing, supporting and welcoming Jessica — that’s the most motherly thing I can do. It solidifies MY being a mother to welcome JESSICA’s motherhood, you know?
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I commented on the mentioned thread as well, but I’ll elaborate a bit more here.
I’m one of the ones that struggled and dealt with infertility for many, many years. Of everyone asking “when are you going to have a baby?” of watching all my friends and relatives effortlesly have 1, 2, sometimes 3 children.
Crying every month when the paper turned red on a trip to the bathroom after spending thousands of dollars on drugs I willingly injected into my stomach.
Endless nights imagining what my child would look like. Because, you see, I never ONCE gave up on becoming a mother. My approach changed, but not the overwhelming desire to mother and nurture a child.
I am a mother now, this is true. But I am horrifically jealous of his birthmother because she knew him in her womb. She had him for the first 6 months of his life. And I feel she didn’t deserve that. She neglected him. She didn’t hold him. The back of his head was flat from being left in the stroller.
And now she’s on myspace with a perky little page raving on and on about her 2 month old baby, my sons biological full blooded brother and how WONDERFUL motherhood is. How much she loves this baby. All these pictures painting a perfect little family. This baby is the 4th child she has given birth to. The first girl died, then she had Jordan, who was taken from her, then John who she gave up for adoption when Jordan was a year and a half old, now this baby Ray. She is 21.
Now tell me what Jordan is gonna think if he ever sees that webpage when he’s older? Is she even going to acknowlege his existence? She certainly doesn’t in her blog where she talks about her rough life that has all been turned around by the birth of this latest child. She mentions the other 2, but not Jordan.
This infuriates me for Jordans sake. But you know what? Even after everything that she has done, and even though she may have turned her life around now, I am still terribly threatened of her. That she is younger, prettier and cooler than me. And she gave birth to him.
And deep down I don’t want Jordan to meet her. I don’t want him to WANT to meet her. And it rips me up because I know how unfair that is to him and to her and his brothers and I know I’m going to have to tell him everything that happened eventually.
If you want to know the truth I wish he wasn’t adopted. I wish I was his real mom…his only mom. I wish I felt complete as a woman and could pretend I gave birth to him. But I’m not…and I didn’t.
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Hi jenna
I regularly come across “fear of birth parents” as an issue with other adoptive families and within my own extened family. It’s frustrating. I love my daughter’s birth family. I am not threatened by them. I have great hope that one day (soon I hope) in the future we will have a more communicative relationship. I don’t know my daughter’s first family well, except through my daughter, but if they showed up at my door tonight, I’d scream with excitement to see them, not hide in fear. I most certainly don’t want my daughter to feel theatened by anyone in her family or to think that I have anyting but deep love for her first family. We’re family and there is more than enough room for two mom’s and two dad’s (or more) and gads of grandparents. I hope one day my daughter knows the love of all her family.
Your honesty is so helpful to me. Sounds like you and D have a great relationship, I hope to have that one day with my daughter’s first mom. Finger’s cossed for a better future.
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Jenna ~ I come here often because your perspective on being your daughter’s mother, your honesty about your feelings and the health of your relationship with D (which has only come through hard work and constant care) helps me so much in facing some of the hard things that adoption has brought to my life.
Because of my children, who they are and where they come from, I honor their other families. I do it for them. And I’ve sat here for quite awhile tonight examining my heart and soul on this whole “feeling threatened” issue.
And the truth is… for their own reasons, they chose me to be the Mom to their kids. And I take that very seriously. And part of being a mother to my kids is recognizing that they have other mothers (no matter how much I would love to know the feeling of being the only Mom they’ve known or will know) and help them reconcile the decisions made for them into their understanding of who they are. And if that means that their other families are a part of our life, than I can’t let my fears stop me from doing what I know needs to be done as a mother.
As you know (or maybe you don’t) my hopes for the kind of healthy relationship with the other families of my kids seems to be fading. My biggest feeling about all this right now is just complete sadness for us all… for K & V and their struggles to survive most of the time, and for all the reasons that put them in place that they had to choose adoption for their kids. For my kids and the hard things they will face about some of the things about their lives regardless of the presence of their other families in their lives (I pray that someday, their other Moms will be able and willing to be a part of our lives) and yes, I’m sad for me… for the loss of the natural experience of motherhood, and the security that comes from knowing that I am the only Mom.
But feeling threatened by the women who gave life to these amazing people I call son and daughter… no… do I know it’s possible that someday they may want their other mother and question life decisions made on their behalf? Yes. And I am preparing for that to happen, hoping to build relationships with them so that no matter what, we will have a way together as a family to deal with whatever comes. And no matter what, I will always love these amazing sweet miracles who I love deep and hard…
thanks as always for forcing me to examine once again my heart.
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I just have to comment here. Luann, I am feeling so badly for you and for your son. Those feelings you have, if you can’t find compassion and acceptance of your son’s birth mom, I fear are going to rip a whole in him some day. Whatever you say, he will pick up on that jealousy, that anger, regret, fear. And it will collide with his very strong desire to love his birth mom. Which is natural and not a rejection of you. I wish you could know this, for his sake. Because it sounds like you have to do the hard work now. So that when you talk with him, when he talks about her, when he searches or when they meet, he does not sense those feelings in you. Because when he does, he won’t want to hurt you. So he’ll shut down. And that will burn a whole in him. Argh. I don’t mean to preach at you. And I do not think your feelings unusual or invalid. Feelings are what they are, but you can work on them. Work on resolving them. For his sake.
DS-L
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DSl thanks for your comment to me.
If you read my blog, you will see my families and I went thru absolute hell trying to adopt this child. What she did to him was all over the media when it happened. The pictures of what he looked like make me physically ill.
But even after all that..I still have compassion for her.
I searched for her. I asked search angels to find her then found her myself on myspace. I tried to contact her and let her know that he is ok. But she ignored me. She had asked for pictures when she terminated her rights and never contacted the office again.
Beleive me I know that without her I wouldn’t have my son. If I HAD given birth to him he wouldn’t be the person that he is. And I love her for that.
My fear is for him..not myself. If she had responded to me I would have started a relationship with her. I WANT to know her. I have a connection to this girl that I can’t deny.
I will never ever speak negatively of the people that gave him life to him. I just wanted to share my feelings here that I can’t share anywhere other than my blog.
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Luann; Quite frankly, I thank you for your honest words here. As I said at the beginning of the post, it’s vitally important for me to remember and recognize that we all have a different situation, a different story and I continuously learn.
To everyone else; keep it coming. :)
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Luann — I am glad to hear all of that. And glad you won’t speak negatively about her. That takes a lot of strength given what you’ve described you and your son have gone through. I’m also glad he is safe and loved.
DS-L
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Every adoption is of course different but in our case the issue of feeling “threatened” by the birthmom in our adoption was not and is not a part of our relationship.
I do however admit to longing to have been the one to have carried our beloved daughter in my own womb. After two late 1st trimester pregnancy losses and 4 other failed IVF’s, some days it was hard watching T’s belly growing.
Though of course that pain was nothing in comparison to the incredibly hard choice T made to form an adoption plan in month 4 of her pregnancy and choose us as the adoptive parents.
So no – I am not threatened. Do I wonder about what it will be like in the future if and when my daughter and her first mom develop a relationship? Yes of course I do but I also know that the bond I share with our daughter is strong and built on mutual respect and love.
The first few pages of our daughter’s photo album are all filled with photos of her in utero and her birth family and we look at them often and talk about the adoption process as she asks questions (A is 3) and have since she was born.
In closing, I think one of the reasons we chose open adoption and were glad we had a lot of time to get to know and bond with A’s first mom is that we all had plenty of time to air our feelings, fears, needs before our daughter was ever born. Face to face meetings not attended by any of the adoption people in the background doing their paperwork process. Was it always easy, of course not. The whole process of adoption brings up some powerful and deep feelings on all parts. But in the end – love and respect prevailed.
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