Comments on: On Feeling Threatened http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/ Writing Our Ever-Evolving Story Sat, 04 Feb 2012 03:41:44 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: On Feeling Threatened, Flip Side | The Chronicles of Munchkin Land http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2209 On Feeling Threatened, Flip Side | The Chronicles of Munchkin Land Mon, 03 Sep 2007 19:39:00 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2209 [...] On Feeling Threatened [...] [...] On Feeling Threatened [...]

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]]> By: Ariel's Mom http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2212 Ariel's Mom Sat, 01 Sep 2007 00:52:18 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2212 Every adoption is of course different but in our case the issue of feeling "threatened" by the birthmom in our adoption was not and is not a part of our relationship. I do however admit to longing to have been the one to have carried our beloved daughter in my own womb. After two late 1st trimester pregnancy losses and 4 other failed IVF's, some days it was hard watching T's belly growing. Though of course that pain was nothing in comparison to the incredibly hard choice T made to form an adoption plan in month 4 of her pregnancy and choose us as the adoptive parents. So no - I am not threatened. Do I wonder about what it will be like in the future if and when my daughter and her first mom develop a relationship? Yes of course I do but I also know that the bond I share with our daughter is strong and built on mutual respect and love. The first few pages of our daughter's photo album are all filled with photos of her in utero and her birth family and we look at them often and talk about the adoption process as she asks questions (A is 3) and have since she was born. In closing, I think one of the reasons we chose open adoption and were glad we had a lot of time to get to know and bond with A's first mom is that we all had plenty of time to air our feelings, fears, needs before our daughter was ever born. Face to face meetings not attended by any of the adoption people in the background doing their paperwork process. Was it always easy, of course not. The whole process of adoption brings up some powerful and deep feelings on all parts. But in the end - love and respect prevailed. Every adoption is of course different but in our case the issue of feeling “threatened” by the birthmom in our adoption was not and is not a part of our relationship.

I do however admit to longing to have been the one to have carried our beloved daughter in my own womb. After two late 1st trimester pregnancy losses and 4 other failed IVF’s, some days it was hard watching T’s belly growing.

Though of course that pain was nothing in comparison to the incredibly hard choice T made to form an adoption plan in month 4 of her pregnancy and choose us as the adoptive parents.

So no – I am not threatened. Do I wonder about what it will be like in the future if and when my daughter and her first mom develop a relationship? Yes of course I do but I also know that the bond I share with our daughter is strong and built on mutual respect and love.

The first few pages of our daughter’s photo album are all filled with photos of her in utero and her birth family and we look at them often and talk about the adoption process as she asks questions (A is 3) and have since she was born.

In closing, I think one of the reasons we chose open adoption and were glad we had a lot of time to get to know and bond with A’s first mom is that we all had plenty of time to air our feelings, fears, needs before our daughter was ever born. Face to face meetings not attended by any of the adoption people in the background doing their paperwork process. Was it always easy, of course not. The whole process of adoption brings up some powerful and deep feelings on all parts. But in the end – love and respect prevailed.

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]]> By: DS-L http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2211 DS-L Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:39:50 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2211 Luann -- I am glad to hear all of that. And glad you won't speak negatively about her. That takes a lot of strength given what you've described you and your son have gone through. I'm also glad he is safe and loved. DS-L Luann — I am glad to hear all of that. And glad you won’t speak negatively about her. That takes a lot of strength given what you’ve described you and your son have gone through. I’m also glad he is safe and loved.
DS-L

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]]> By: Jenna http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2214 Jenna Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:42:10 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2214 Luann; Quite frankly, I thank you for your honest words here. As I said at the beginning of the post, it's vitally important for me to remember and recognize that we all have a different situation, a different story and I continuously learn. To everyone else; keep it coming. :) Luann; Quite frankly, I thank you for your honest words here. As I said at the beginning of the post, it’s vitally important for me to remember and recognize that we all have a different situation, a different story and I continuously learn.

To everyone else; keep it coming. :)

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]]> By: Luann http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2213 Luann Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:39:13 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2213 DSl thanks for your comment to me. If you read my blog, you will see my families and I went thru absolute hell trying to adopt this child. What she did to him was all over the media when it happened. The pictures of what he looked like make me physically ill. But even after all that..I still have compassion for her. I searched for her. I asked search angels to find her then found her myself on myspace. I tried to contact her and let her know that he is ok. But she ignored me. She had asked for pictures when she terminated her rights and never contacted the office again. Beleive me I know that without her I wouldn't have my son. If I HAD given birth to him he wouldn't be the person that he is. And I love her for that. My fear is for him..not myself. If she had responded to me I would have started a relationship with her. I WANT to know her. I have a connection to this girl that I can't deny. I will never ever speak negatively of the people that gave him life to him. I just wanted to share my feelings here that I can't share anywhere other than my blog. DSl thanks for your comment to me.

If you read my blog, you will see my families and I went thru absolute hell trying to adopt this child. What she did to him was all over the media when it happened. The pictures of what he looked like make me physically ill.

But even after all that..I still have compassion for her.
I searched for her. I asked search angels to find her then found her myself on myspace. I tried to contact her and let her know that he is ok. But she ignored me. She had asked for pictures when she terminated her rights and never contacted the office again.

Beleive me I know that without her I wouldn’t have my son. If I HAD given birth to him he wouldn’t be the person that he is. And I love her for that.

My fear is for him..not myself. If she had responded to me I would have started a relationship with her. I WANT to know her. I have a connection to this girl that I can’t deny.

I will never ever speak negatively of the people that gave him life to him. I just wanted to share my feelings here that I can’t share anywhere other than my blog.

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]]> By: DS-L http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2215 DS-L Fri, 31 Aug 2007 12:49:50 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2215 I just have to comment here. Luann, I am feeling so badly for you and for your son. Those feelings you have, if you can't find compassion and acceptance of your son's birth mom, I fear are going to rip a whole in him some day. Whatever you say, he will pick up on that jealousy, that anger, regret, fear. And it will collide with his very strong desire to love his birth mom. Which is natural and not a rejection of you. I wish you could know this, for his sake. Because it sounds like you have to do the hard work now. So that when you talk with him, when he talks about her, when he searches or when they meet, he does not sense those feelings in you. Because when he does, he won't want to hurt you. So he'll shut down. And that will burn a whole in him. Argh. I don't mean to preach at you. And I do not think your feelings unusual or invalid. Feelings are what they are, but you can work on them. Work on resolving them. For his sake. DS-L I just have to comment here. Luann, I am feeling so badly for you and for your son. Those feelings you have, if you can’t find compassion and acceptance of your son’s birth mom, I fear are going to rip a whole in him some day. Whatever you say, he will pick up on that jealousy, that anger, regret, fear. And it will collide with his very strong desire to love his birth mom. Which is natural and not a rejection of you. I wish you could know this, for his sake. Because it sounds like you have to do the hard work now. So that when you talk with him, when he talks about her, when he searches or when they meet, he does not sense those feelings in you. Because when he does, he won’t want to hurt you. So he’ll shut down. And that will burn a whole in him. Argh. I don’t mean to preach at you. And I do not think your feelings unusual or invalid. Feelings are what they are, but you can work on them. Work on resolving them. For his sake.
DS-L

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]]> By: Tammy http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2216 Tammy Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:56:53 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2216 Jenna ~ I come here often because your perspective on being your daughter's mother, your honesty about your feelings and the health of your relationship with D (which has only come through hard work and constant care) helps me so much in facing some of the hard things that adoption has brought to my life. Because of my children, who they are and where they come from, I honor their other families. I do it for them. And I've sat here for quite awhile tonight examining my heart and soul on this whole "feeling threatened" issue. And the truth is... for their own reasons, they chose me to be the Mom to their kids. And I take that very seriously. And part of being a mother to my kids is recognizing that they have other mothers (no matter how much I would love to know the feeling of being the only Mom they've known or will know) and help them reconcile the decisions made for them into their understanding of who they are. And if that means that their other families are a part of our life, than I can't let my fears stop me from doing what I know needs to be done as a mother. As you know (or maybe you don't) my hopes for the kind of healthy relationship with the other families of my kids seems to be fading. My biggest feeling about all this right now is just complete sadness for us all... for K & V and their struggles to survive most of the time, and for all the reasons that put them in place that they had to choose adoption for their kids. For my kids and the hard things they will face about some of the things about their lives regardless of the presence of their other families in their lives (I pray that someday, their other Moms will be able and willing to be a part of our lives) and yes, I'm sad for me... for the loss of the natural experience of motherhood, and the security that comes from knowing that I am the only Mom. But feeling threatened by the women who gave life to these amazing people I call son and daughter... no... do I know it's possible that someday they may want their other mother and question life decisions made on their behalf? Yes. And I am preparing for that to happen, hoping to build relationships with them so that no matter what, we will have a way together as a family to deal with whatever comes. And no matter what, I will always love these amazing sweet miracles who I love deep and hard... thanks as always for forcing me to examine once again my heart. Jenna ~ I come here often because your perspective on being your daughter’s mother, your honesty about your feelings and the health of your relationship with D (which has only come through hard work and constant care) helps me so much in facing some of the hard things that adoption has brought to my life.

Because of my children, who they are and where they come from, I honor their other families. I do it for them. And I’ve sat here for quite awhile tonight examining my heart and soul on this whole “feeling threatened” issue.

And the truth is… for their own reasons, they chose me to be the Mom to their kids. And I take that very seriously. And part of being a mother to my kids is recognizing that they have other mothers (no matter how much I would love to know the feeling of being the only Mom they’ve known or will know) and help them reconcile the decisions made for them into their understanding of who they are. And if that means that their other families are a part of our life, than I can’t let my fears stop me from doing what I know needs to be done as a mother.

As you know (or maybe you don’t) my hopes for the kind of healthy relationship with the other families of my kids seems to be fading. My biggest feeling about all this right now is just complete sadness for us all… for K & V and their struggles to survive most of the time, and for all the reasons that put them in place that they had to choose adoption for their kids. For my kids and the hard things they will face about some of the things about their lives regardless of the presence of their other families in their lives (I pray that someday, their other Moms will be able and willing to be a part of our lives) and yes, I’m sad for me… for the loss of the natural experience of motherhood, and the security that comes from knowing that I am the only Mom.

But feeling threatened by the women who gave life to these amazing people I call son and daughter… no… do I know it’s possible that someday they may want their other mother and question life decisions made on their behalf? Yes. And I am preparing for that to happen, hoping to build relationships with them so that no matter what, we will have a way together as a family to deal with whatever comes. And no matter what, I will always love these amazing sweet miracles who I love deep and hard…

thanks as always for forcing me to examine once again my heart.

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]]> By: lori http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2219 lori Fri, 31 Aug 2007 02:21:54 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2219 Hi jenna I regularly come across "fear of birth parents" as an issue with other adoptive families and within my own extened family. It's frustrating. I love my daughter's birth family. I am not threatened by them. I have great hope that one day (soon I hope) in the future we will have a more communicative relationship. I don't know my daughter's first family well, except through my daughter, but if they showed up at my door tonight, I'd scream with excitement to see them, not hide in fear. I most certainly don't want my daughter to feel theatened by anyone in her family or to think that I have anyting but deep love for her first family. We're family and there is more than enough room for two mom's and two dad's (or more) and gads of grandparents. I hope one day my daughter knows the love of all her family. Your honesty is so helpful to me. Sounds like you and D have a great relationship, I hope to have that one day with my daughter's first mom. Finger's cossed for a better future. Hi jenna

I regularly come across “fear of birth parents” as an issue with other adoptive families and within my own extened family. It’s frustrating. I love my daughter’s birth family. I am not threatened by them. I have great hope that one day (soon I hope) in the future we will have a more communicative relationship. I don’t know my daughter’s first family well, except through my daughter, but if they showed up at my door tonight, I’d scream with excitement to see them, not hide in fear. I most certainly don’t want my daughter to feel theatened by anyone in her family or to think that I have anyting but deep love for her first family. We’re family and there is more than enough room for two mom’s and two dad’s (or more) and gads of grandparents. I hope one day my daughter knows the love of all her family.

Your honesty is so helpful to me. Sounds like you and D have a great relationship, I hope to have that one day with my daughter’s first mom. Finger’s cossed for a better future.

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]]> By: Luann http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2218 Luann Fri, 31 Aug 2007 01:33:22 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2218 I commented on the mentioned thread as well, but I'll elaborate a bit more here. I'm one of the ones that struggled and dealt with infertility for many, many years. Of everyone asking "when are you going to have a baby?" of watching all my friends and relatives effortlesly have 1, 2, sometimes 3 children. Crying every month when the paper turned red on a trip to the bathroom after spending thousands of dollars on drugs I willingly injected into my stomach. Endless nights imagining what my child would look like. Because, you see, I never ONCE gave up on becoming a mother. My approach changed, but not the overwhelming desire to mother and nurture a child. I am a mother now, this is true. But I am horrifically jealous of his birthmother because she knew him in her womb. She had him for the first 6 months of his life. And I feel she didn't deserve that. She neglected him. She didn't hold him. The back of his head was flat from being left in the stroller. And now she's on myspace with a perky little page raving on and on about her 2 month old baby, my sons biological full blooded brother and how WONDERFUL motherhood is. How much she loves this baby. All these pictures painting a perfect little family. This baby is the 4th child she has given birth to. The first girl died, then she had Jordan, who was taken from her, then John who she gave up for adoption when Jordan was a year and a half old, now this baby Ray. She is 21. Now tell me what Jordan is gonna think if he ever sees that webpage when he's older? Is she even going to acknowlege his existence? She certainly doesn't in her blog where she talks about her rough life that has all been turned around by the birth of this latest child. She mentions the other 2, but not Jordan. This infuriates me for Jordans sake. But you know what? Even after everything that she has done, and even though she may have turned her life around now, I am still terribly threatened of her. That she is younger, prettier and cooler than me. And she gave birth to him. And deep down I don't want Jordan to meet her. I don't want him to WANT to meet her. And it rips me up because I know how unfair that is to him and to her and his brothers and I know I'm going to have to tell him everything that happened eventually. If you want to know the truth I wish he wasn't adopted. I wish I was his real mom...his only mom. I wish I felt complete as a woman and could pretend I gave birth to him. But I'm not...and I didn't. I commented on the mentioned thread as well, but I’ll elaborate a bit more here.

I’m one of the ones that struggled and dealt with infertility for many, many years. Of everyone asking “when are you going to have a baby?” of watching all my friends and relatives effortlesly have 1, 2, sometimes 3 children.

Crying every month when the paper turned red on a trip to the bathroom after spending thousands of dollars on drugs I willingly injected into my stomach.

Endless nights imagining what my child would look like. Because, you see, I never ONCE gave up on becoming a mother. My approach changed, but not the overwhelming desire to mother and nurture a child.

I am a mother now, this is true. But I am horrifically jealous of his birthmother because she knew him in her womb. She had him for the first 6 months of his life. And I feel she didn’t deserve that. She neglected him. She didn’t hold him. The back of his head was flat from being left in the stroller.

And now she’s on myspace with a perky little page raving on and on about her 2 month old baby, my sons biological full blooded brother and how WONDERFUL motherhood is. How much she loves this baby. All these pictures painting a perfect little family. This baby is the 4th child she has given birth to. The first girl died, then she had Jordan, who was taken from her, then John who she gave up for adoption when Jordan was a year and a half old, now this baby Ray. She is 21.

Now tell me what Jordan is gonna think if he ever sees that webpage when he’s older? Is she even going to acknowlege his existence? She certainly doesn’t in her blog where she talks about her rough life that has all been turned around by the birth of this latest child. She mentions the other 2, but not Jordan.

This infuriates me for Jordans sake. But you know what? Even after everything that she has done, and even though she may have turned her life around now, I am still terribly threatened of her. That she is younger, prettier and cooler than me. And she gave birth to him.

And deep down I don’t want Jordan to meet her. I don’t want him to WANT to meet her. And it rips me up because I know how unfair that is to him and to her and his brothers and I know I’m going to have to tell him everything that happened eventually.

If you want to know the truth I wish he wasn’t adopted. I wish I was his real mom…his only mom. I wish I felt complete as a woman and could pretend I gave birth to him. But I’m not…and I didn’t.

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]]> By: dawn http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/comment-page-1/#comment-2217 dawn Fri, 31 Aug 2007 01:21:03 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/30/on-feeling-threatened/#comment-2217 I am absolutely NOT threatened by Jessica and I think you nailed it when you said it's all about the Munchkin. I find Jessica's presence in our family very fulfilling and -- this is something I'm trying to put into the sample chapter I'm working on -- I feel very much that one of the most important things I can do in mothering Madison is make way for Jessica's mothering. So recognizing, supporting and welcoming Jessica -- that's the most motherly thing I can do. It solidifies MY being a mother to welcome JESSICA's motherhood, you know? I am absolutely NOT threatened by Jessica and I think you nailed it when you said it’s all about the Munchkin. I find Jessica’s presence in our family very fulfilling and — this is something I’m trying to put into the sample chapter I’m working on — I feel very much that one of the most important things I can do in mothering Madison is make way for Jessica’s mothering. So recognizing, supporting and welcoming Jessica — that’s the most motherly thing I can do. It solidifies MY being a mother to welcome JESSICA’s motherhood, you know?

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