Comments on: Tackling Regret http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/ Writing Our Ever-Evolving Story Sat, 04 Feb 2012 03:41:44 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Jan Baker http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/comment-page-1/#comment-2221 Jan Baker Sun, 02 Sep 2007 05:41:46 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/#comment-2221 Somehow, when a mother who has lost a child to adoption claims to have no regrets, I wonder how that can be. I wonder if she is mired in denial. I wonder if she needs to believe surrendering her child to adoption was "for the best" whether it really was or not. I wonder how a mother can NOT wish that either things had been different or that she had more faith in her own abilities and made the decision to parent. I wonder if a mother with no regrets even acknowledges her connection to her child. Even if a woman truly believes that she could not have mothered her child well, wouldn't she regret such a situation? She could accept that she had picked out parents for her child that she believed in, but still wouldn't she regret missing out on mothering her child? Do women who express no regrets rationalize their decisions to survive their loss? I wonder. Is living with regret too difficult and uncomfortable for some women? How can any woman lose a child and not regret the loss? I think it unnatural not to have deep regrets. But, does it conflict with our ideas of getting on with life and not holding on to difficult feelings? Many adoptive parents seem uncomfortable with the regrets of birth parents and some choose to discount regretful feelings. They want and need to believe that they are the parents destined to raise a child that they adopted. Regret is a normal reaction to the loss of a child. Somehow, when a mother who has lost a child to adoption claims to have no regrets, I wonder how that can be. I wonder if she is mired in denial. I wonder if she needs to believe surrendering her child to adoption was “for the best” whether it really was or not. I wonder how a mother can NOT wish that either things had been different or that she had more faith in her own abilities and made the decision to parent. I wonder if a mother with no regrets even acknowledges her connection to her child.

Even if a woman truly believes that she could not have mothered her child well, wouldn’t she regret such a situation? She could accept that she had picked out parents for her child that she believed in, but still wouldn’t she regret missing out on mothering her child?

Do women who express no regrets rationalize their decisions to survive their loss? I wonder. Is living with regret too difficult and uncomfortable for some women? How can any woman lose a child and not regret the loss? I think it unnatural not to have deep regrets. But, does it conflict with our ideas of getting on with life and not holding on to difficult feelings?

Many adoptive parents seem uncomfortable with the regrets of birth parents and some choose to discount regretful feelings. They want and need to believe that they are the parents destined to raise a child that they adopted. Regret is a normal reaction to the loss of a child.

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]]> By: Kathy http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/comment-page-1/#comment-2222 Kathy Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:53:36 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/#comment-2222 I like what you said. Your right, regret is viewed as a negative emotion. I think as an amom, when I first started into the world of adoption I hoped for that. Crazy. Its simply not natural. I like what you said. Your right, regret is viewed as a negative emotion. I think as an amom, when I first started into the world of adoption I hoped for that. Crazy. Its simply not natural.

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]]> By: StorkWatcher http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/comment-page-1/#comment-2223 StorkWatcher Fri, 31 Aug 2007 15:16:22 +0000 http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/08/31/tackling-regret/#comment-2223 I like your nudge to help us put regret into perspective. A questionnaire recently asked if I regretted being a mother ever. Do I? No, I honestly do not believe I do. But do I regret that we waited ten years before pursuing adoption? Do I regret the amount of time we had to wait for our son to be born? In a way, yes. Because I wish we'd had him sooner to be a part of our lives! Yet I can't truly regret starting it all when we did, because he might not be here with us now - our perfect child!!! So it's a shame we weren't all brought together sooner, yet that 10 year abyss of childlessness sure gave me time to prepare to be a better mother! So, based on a the once-in-a-while wistful feeling I get when I think of all the time I spent without him, I must confess that I have had regrets! Yet they're not negative - they enhance our special time together now! Sorry - I rambled. Your post just made me feel a need to say this. I couldn't ignore it... I like your nudge to help us put regret into perspective.

A questionnaire recently asked if I regretted being a mother ever. Do I? No, I honestly do not believe I do.

But do I regret that we waited ten years before pursuing adoption? Do I regret the amount of time we had to wait for our son to be born? In a way, yes. Because I wish we’d had him sooner to be a part of our lives! Yet I can’t truly regret starting it all when we did, because he might not be here with us now – our perfect child!!! So it’s a shame we weren’t all brought together sooner, yet that 10 year abyss of childlessness sure gave me time to prepare to be a better mother!

So, based on a the once-in-a-while wistful feeling I get when I think of all the time I spent without him, I must confess that I have had regrets! Yet they’re not negative – they enhance our special time together now!

Sorry – I rambled. Your post just made me feel a need to say this. I couldn’t ignore it…

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