I’m not a very good birth mother. There. I said it.
I’ve got some guilt on my plate today. It’s been piling up for awhile and I’ve been avoiding talking about it. But, I figure, I need to be honest. “Out” myself. And maybe things will improve. Not that things are outrageously awful. They’re not. I just have these things. That aren’t good enough.
And, yes, for your information, I am a perfectionist.
I talk a lot about what birth parents can do in their relationships with the adoptive family and their child, especially over at the birth/first parent blog. I give ideas. I pass on pertinent information. I come up with some legitimately good stuff. The review series that I’ve been working on has really made me open my eyes to a few things. No, I’m not an overtly difficult birth parent to deal with compared to some situations that are talked about with regularity on blogs and forums. But I’m not good enough.
The truth is, the Munchkin is old enough now that I really need to start focusing a bit more on her than I have been doing over the past year. Truth be told, her age kind of crept upon me. I don’t know where the past four years have gone. But now she’s knowledgable and talkative and… for pity’s sake, she knows who I am. And I’m not doing what I should be to nurture that relationship.
I think I do an okay job at nurturing the relationship between myself and D. We’re busy but we find time to talk, jot off e-mails and make phone calls. But I’m having trouble sending things to Munchkin. For example, the necklace? I haven’t mailed it yet. Why? What is stopping me?
I’ve also had a mental plan, since MAY, that BigBrother should be “sending” letters to Munchkin once a month. Enclosed would be a picture of something new or fun he did that month, a letter explaining said picture and a picture colored by BigBrother. (Also, a picture/card colored by BigBrother for JD.) Have I done it? No. Each month I think, “OH! This is the picture I’ll send.” And then suddenly, it’s the middle of the next month. I’m kicking myeslf for it. I want Munchkin and BigBrother (and eventually LittleBrother) to have a bond. And I’m failing at helping to foster it. Failing.
And there’s no known emotional reason that I should be avoiding said contact. I’m just finding myself not doing it. I’m sure, if I discussed this with my therapist at my next appointment, there would be an underying reason. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel worthy in the first place. Or a fear of judgment. Or just something. But none of it excuses my inabilities. I just need to suck it up. Pull myself up by the boot straps. And get to doing what needs to be done.
The shift of concentration from the adult relationship to the one I will share with the Munchkin was just kind of surprising. She was just a baby. And now, really, she’s not. I need to recognize that. Respect it. And act on it. Before it’s too late.
So, no, I’m not perfect. I need a good swift kick in the butt sometimes.
Like now.
6 Responses to “I’m Not Good Enough”
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Twitter: thiswomanswork
says:
You know, you are pretty darn hard on yourself. I think it’s like any kind of mothering — we always fall short of our hopes/expectations but we do the best we can. Are any of us good enough for our kids? Don’t all of our kids deserve perfection?
But from my vantage point, you look pretty damn great. From where I’m sitting you’re doing an amazing job and you are an amazing mom and you are both inspirational and leave me feeling aspirational. I think you’re awesome and likely getting better every day.
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Yeah, this isn’t a kick in the butt either. More like a “you better ease up on yourself before this little baby comes along because then you really won’t be able to get to the post office if you know what I mean.”
And I don’t think you’re even close to being on the verge of “its too late”. As someone on some blog (maybe you?) said, “Its a long life.” For what its worth, I have absolutely zero doubt that your daughter will know how much you love her and will have a strong bond with her brothers as well. And then some..
Oh and by the way, I don’t even remember anything that happened to me before I was about 8- whether that turns out to be good luck for my parents, I can’t say :)
Cynthia
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I think for right now the relationship you have with D is more important that the one you have with Munchkin. D is the most important person in her life right now. And how D feels about you is going to influence how Munchkin reacts to you.
She has a picture of you on Munchkin’s nightstand. She talks about you with her probably on a daily basis. You are IN her life front and center whether you are physically present or not. Or whether you send her stuff or not. Or whether you get 1 visit in a year or 4. You’re there. You’re important to her. And she loves you. And she knows without a doubt you love her.
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I have a book called “The Good Enough Mother” — of course I haven’t gotten around to reading it, HA! — but it talks about letting go of some of the expectations of perfectionism that we place on ourselves as mothers. I think that would be the same for first mothers too.
I agree with Dawn and the others who have posted. I think you’re great. I also think with the pregnancy and other stuff, you’ve had a lot on your plate.
NOW — just a suggestion. Maybe your goals are a bit too stringent. You know? Maybe you can have BigBrother send Munchkin a letter on a quarterly basis. Start with that and see how it goes. That would be easier to do than monthly. I mean, I have a hard time getting my butt to the post office, and it’s right on my way to and from work.
Be nice to yourself, Jenna. YOu deserve it.
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What a long journey this is. I really respect your honesty. Everything you said rings true with me.
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I’m adding adding a link to your blog at my blog. I want others to hear your wisdom
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