Smell and Memory

I got thrown for a loop this afternoon. Totally unanticipated as I’ve been having busy and relatively calm days since Monday’s back-to-school emotion-fest. I was feeling somewhat secure, somewhat calm. Then, BAM! That got blown out of the water.

TheHusbandMan and I were watching Dr. Phil (the Fireman and the NANNY!) when the UPS truck pulled up. I told him it would be my package from D while he told me it would be his beer brewing kit. Surprise, surprise, it was both! We both delighted in opening our boxes, showing off our new possessions and acting like kids on Christmas morning.

I sorted through my package which was all maternity clothes, lovingly sent by D. They’re all fall and winter clothes, in the size that I need them considering the size that I am, so it’s like a whole extra wardrobe! The burgundy track suit that I’ve been lusting after for quite some time and the super fun beaded jeans. I was amused that one shirt is a shirt that I already have; we have such similar tastes. I was also thankful that these arrived because Old Navy is having a maternity sale right now and… oh, I’ve been hankering for some sweaters and jeans and cords (!) and all of that lovely fall stuff. I can now hold off. For at least a month. (Maybe.)

I held up a shirt that felt really soft and I held it to my face. And man, if I didn’t immediately well-up with emotion and tears.

There are smells in life that are attached to memories. And the smell of J and D’s house plus the smell of their laundry detergent can just immediately conjure up memories of my daughter. I was just suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of longing for both my daughter and one of my best friends whom I haven’t seen in a few months! My heart felt heavy. I was kind of upset.

Her blanket used to smell like this as well. She had two blankets. The pink silky variety. And D gave me one at some point. For awhile, we would switch out the blanket on visits so that it would smell like her for awhile. And then, after BigBrother was born, he inherited the blanket. (Yes, my son has a pink blanket. Two blue, one pink. He loves them all equally.) And it smells like him, like our home, like our laundry detergent. Not that I think we stink. I just miss the smell that accompanies my daughter.

And so smelling it today was … unexpected … and somewhat hard … but … welcome. I’ve got the darks in the laundry right now (because it’s supposed to be 60 degrees on Saturday and I’m wearing that burgundy track suit!!!) but… I might not wash the white jacket for awhile. Keep it smelling like my daughter. In case I need a moment of immediate transport.