Sometimes I wonder about myself and my parenting choices. Would I be as into attachment parenting as I am if I wouldn’t have placed the Munchkin? If she had been with me since day one, would I have done similar things with her as I did with her younger brother(s)? Would I have been all about babywearing? Would I have considered cloth diapering? More over, if I wouldn’t have been lead by the unethical agency to believe that breastfeeding the Munchkin would be detrimental to all involved, would things have been different? If not with her, with BigBrother? Would I not feel overwhelmed with everything now?
How much does placement affect and/or change how I parent now as compared to how I would have parented then? Was I always this type of parent in theory? Or did the loss of my first born change how I practiced parenting?
These questions often haunt me as I make decisions for my family.
If you knew me prior to BigBrother’s birth, you may recall that I loved being a woman working in broadcasting. I loved my job. I was going to return and be a full-time Mommy and full-time career woman. I had all of these lofty goals. Then BigBrother came out of my womb and those goals, though still lofty, changed. Drastically. I was done working and back in the home by the time he was nine months old. Would that have happened even if I had parented the Munchkin? Or was I feeling a need to be so close to my son because I had lost my daughter?
I’m not sure I can ever figure this out entirely. I think things may be too intertwined, intermixed. Obviously, things in my past have made me who I am today. But are parenting decisions solely based on past experiences or are some of them just who we are, regardless of experience?
It’s curious. I do know that I’m overly cautious with my parented son(s). BigBrother can’t be out of my sight in public or I have a panic attack. It took me over a year to find the courage to leave him in our well-manned church nursery. I have nightmares that he is kidnapped or that I leave him places. Is this all connected? Or is some of it simply my anxiety? Motherly worries? What is it?
I want to visit this in more depth after I ponder it some more. Hmm.
5 Responses to “Placement and Attachment Parenting”
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I wonder if it would be possible to “figure it out”. It’s funny, but so many of the reasons I find myself doing similar things I’ve attributed to the fact that I do them this way because I had to wait SO long to have a child, then adopted. If I had given birth to my son 10 years earlier, would I be so overprotective? And have done things a more natural way that my sister did?
Am I so much more protective and appreciative because there is an added resposibility that someone is counting on my to raise her child???? Or is it just normal, first-time mothering? Or just ME? Just the way I parent? I have no previous experience to compare it to, so I dont’ know.
Is it super imperative that I figure out all the reasons WHY I am this way? Probably not. But I’m certainly conscious about it often….. Glad to know I’m not the only one. And interesting to know another person thinking similar thoughts is on “the other side of the fence” – meaning in a completely innocent and respectful way, less readers misunderstand me – from a different perspective?
I guess, even if I never can fully understand where you’re coming from because I haven’t been there myself, I can certainly understand some of what you’re feeling!
Whatever the reason, whyever the whys, I’m glad to get to read your mom stuff. Munchkin, BigBrother Man, LittleBrotherBaby or otherwise! I love to feel like someone else feels the same way, and I love to hear about your differences of opinions to make me think about mine.
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“Or was I feeling a need to be so close to my son because I had lost my daughter?”
I ask myself this question often as well. I wasn’t big on attachment parenting (more for lack of experience/education than desire), but the life and death closeness I feel with my boys feels almost abnormal sometimes. The fear of losing them, the attempt to make up for what I lost with Nicole by “loving” them more (not that you can love one child more than another – but you know what I mean). I think it also makes me feel MORE guilty about all the things I do wrong though too – it’s like every failure is highlighted, accentuated – like “see, you are a BAD parent, think how bad you would have been with her – you should know better!”
I do think things would have been harder for the two of us (Nicole and I) and I would have struggled in learning to parent, but hey, I’m still struggling to learn how to parent. But I think in the end, WHO you are as both a woman and a parent wouldn’t be any different. You still would research obsessively and always try to do what’s best according to what you know, whatever issue is at hand. In the end, what’s painful here is knowing that yes, we would have parented the same way (not necessarily identical process – like breastfeeding or cloth diapering), but in all the ways that count – love, sacrifice, providing and protecting.
oh and PS: can you take me off your block list now? LOL I still get that nasty “you aren’t allowed here message” sometimes :)
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I wonder these things all the time. And I know I parent different because I lost my boys. I also know that I parent different because I am 9 years older than when I reliquished. But I always wonder what kind of mom I would have been to my twins.
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Well everyone is different, and you go through different phases in your life and mothering, so no one can answer these questions for you, of course. But for me, I did parent my first son born while I was single, instead of placing him for adoption. And 20 years later, with my second and third sons (both adopted) I am cloth diapering (didn’t with no. 1), baby-wearing (or did before they got so BIG) and don’t like to leave them if not absolutely necessary. I don’t think that’s overprotective at all. I have changed some things about my parenting; some ways I am more relaxed and some more assertive about what I think we need. I think I am a better parent now after all these years.
All this to say – you are probably a better parent now too, just because of experience and wisdom… BUT you would have been an awful great parent-in-action with Munchkin if you had decided to raise her back then. You were a great mom, making the best decisions you could in that time and place. It’s kind of apple and oranges just because life teaches us and changes us every single minute.
It’s interesting to ponder these questions, but don’t judge yourself too harshly. You are beautiful and capable, just the way you are today.
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That’s a really interesting post and a good one to read for my first visit to your blog! It’s funny because I just posted on my blog today about how I am not into Attachment Parenting but my kids ARE. Ha ha!
I really enjoyed what I’ve read so far and I’ll be back. Thanks for being so candid!
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