I Need Some Witty Comebacks, Please!
Posted: October 10, 2007 at 4:49 pmI’m a ball of nerves. You know, other than everything mentioned in my previous post. As most of you know, I’m speaking at a conference this Saturday about adoption. I’m talking about the influx of birth mother blogs into the blogosphere and why we aren’t going away. I’m speaking about birth mothers, as a birth mother. I’m the only birth mother on our specific panel. I’ll be speaking to a room of people who know that I am a birth mother.
Did I mention that I will be 32 weeks, 6 days pregnant at that point?
Anyone else know where the nerves are coming from?
Because I can talk about adoption, birth motherhood and whatever until I’m blue in the face. In such a setting, where I’m not trying to win friends or make people like me, I don’t necessarily feel the same nerves as I do when I’m telling people that I hope will be my Best Friend Forever about our adoption story. It’s just a different thing.
But this whole speaking about birth mothers as a birth mother while pregnant? I’m all twisted up inside.
It’s only happened once, and it was in a chat room setting, not a real life setting. While pregnant with BigBrother, I was talking about my pregnancy and so on. Some other chatter asked who I was giving “this baby” to. Excuse me? This person couldn’t understand why or how I was going to parent this child since I had already given up one. Didn’t that mean that I was a bad parent? Isn’t that why I gave up the first kid? The fantastic list of questions went on and on. I was stunned. Here I was, a successful, married woman who had purposefully conceived a child and I was being told that I couldn’t possibly ever parent another child since I “gave up” my firstborn. I was, forever, a bad parent. Unfit.
And while I want, desperately, to believe that the general public isn’t as moronic as that particular person, I know it’s simply not true. Someone, if not multiple someones, will be sitting in that audience on Saturday thinking one of the following things:
Oh, look, that sex-crazed little whore went and got herself knocked up again. Doesn’t she know how to keep her legs closed?
Or:
I wonder who will parent this baby? I have some friends who are looking to adopt.
Or:
Didn’t she learn anything the first time she got pregnant?
The variations continue on. You can tell me that people won’t be thinking that but we all know that someone, if not multiple someones, will be. And it’s disheartening. And it makes me want to cry a little bit. (Possible hormone issue right there.)
So, are there any witty comebacks in case someone has the audacity to say any of these things to me? I mean, I could go into the whole “I’m a great mom, a successful woman, married to a great man and this baby was just as planned as his older brother.” But that seems boring. I need to shock some pants off in my hometown. I’m feeling a bit snarky.
Whatcha got?
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
oh, gosh. i understand this only i am not pregnat so i know your anxiety is worse. i leave for the adoption ethics conference this sunday…gulp. again, like you, get myself all paranoid that there are going to be those judging types in the audience who want to dismiss my experience to protect their own ignorance.
i actually had someone ask me if I was going to remove my nose piercing for the conference. i was like “huh?”. they proceeded to tell me that i will be thought less of becuase I have a small silver stud in my nose.
give me a break.
a nose piercing does not make a mother – good or bad.
but yeah, the comment got me all nervous.
good luck.
(no witty comebacks…do share if you get some!)
You could be ridiculous, “We’re putting this one on ebay — I think we can make more money if we cut out the middleman.”
Honestly, I think you could across as incredible impressive. Last night at writer’s group when I was telling them the context of the presentation — who we all were, what order we’d be presenting — everyone was pretty awed by mere mention of you. The fact that you’re rounding up the panel and presenting last I think puts you in a position of authority, too. AND you’re taking the discussion of birth mothers out of theory and putting it out there in action, which is something the attendees (I hope, considering they signed up to be there) will appreciate is a terrific opportunity to get the word from the horse’s mouth so to speak.
Let’s see I’m a 40 year old, single adoptive mother of a biracial child with a nose piercing and I were it in a RING :-)
Some of the comments I have already gotten are….”so you’re a jungle bunny? (meaning I only sleep with black men…which would be fine, but not said like that)” “Hey your pretty, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you get married?” “You could have just gone to a bar and slept with someone.”
These are REAL comments.
I think that one of the things that I have read on your blog is that you want to dispell the first/birth mother myths. So while there will be people in the audience with their preconceived ideas about you. I think one of the most beautiful opportunities you have at the conference to help educate and broaden their perspective is to say right away, that birth/first parents do go on to have married lives with children and are loving, beautiful parents to all of their children both placed and parented and that’s why they blog…to help explain to the world and themselves why they took the adoptive journey at the time they did.
Or….um….”stop by the sign in desk and buy a raffle ticket for this baby.”
Couple thoughts here.
1) I just sent you “What do ya think about that” by Montgomery Gentry. Sorry if you don’t like Country, or don’t have iTunes installed, but I promise in this situation, the lyrics are worth it.
2) I know you are an emotional ball off worms, but what business is it of theirs? In the not too distant past, Elizabeth Edwards was criticized by a mommy blogger for taking her kids on the campaign trail. Regardless of what you think of her politics, I like her response and I think it applies here. Mrs Edwards posted to the blog saying in part ” . . .You don’t get to say I am a terrible mother because you think you wouldn’t make my choices in my situation…
You are not the wife of a presidential candidate, but you are a first mom, and a successful woman, wife and mother. NO ONE, not me (a fan) or any one of them (detractors), gets to say what you can and can not do with your life and your uterus.
Failing that, you could always wear a t-shirt that features a photo of you & Husband or you, Husband and Nicholos & Munchkin. Underneath the picture (preferrably running right across your 32 week and 6 day belly) it should say “Yes, we did this on purpose”.
Congratulations on making it to 32 weeks and may you make it all the way.
I know you will be a smashing success at this conference. Hold your head up proud, and enjoy your successes.
A successful relationship with Arianna, D & J
A healthy marriage
A successful career
A beautiful, healthy, happy son, and another one on the way.
No judgmental jerk can EVER take those things away from you.
Please be sure to post and let us know how the conference goes.
Oooh I like the T shirt idea!
ooh, i am so enjoying the comments here…hahaha.
the raffle ticket comment had me spitting my diet coke out of my mouth!
“Ugh I think my morning sickness just returned” Followed of course by heaving.
“I can’t believe you actually managed to earn a degree! Nice job”
Didn’t she (you) learn anything the first time she got pregnant?
“I learned that no one would make a ‘better’ mother than ME to my children. All of them.”
I wonder who will parent this baby?
“This baby has two parents already. His father and me.”
I have some friends who are looking to adopt.
“May I suggest the local shelter?”
I’m feeling snarky today too. Grr. ;)
One more:
Doesn’t she know how to keep her legs closed?
“Don’t you know how to keep your MOUTH closed?”
My eggs are just too HOT to sit idle;~))
Honestly, I do not think you will get any snarky comments! However, you are now well armed in case you do. I particularly like Coco’s comments and Dawn’s E-bay suggestion. Good luck, my friend – I knew you’ll do a great job!
You’ll do great. I would not be snarky, just an opinion and that will confirm stereotypes that birthmoms are a ball of negative energy. I would do the big fallback I use for racist comments — turn it on them.
“Did you just aske me whether I would be placing this child for adoption? Why would you ask such a personal question loaded with such stereotpyes and assumptions of birthmothers?”
DS-L
I like to make people like that feel bad.
“Wow. Just wow. Do you honestly think that little of me and all birth mothers? I can’t tell you how much comments like that hurt. Especially if you got to know anything about me you would know how much my husband and I want and love this precious little boy inside of me, just like I wanted my little girl.â€
Then I let yourself tear up a little. If you make them feel like a complete ass – maybe then they will think before opening their big fat mouth again.
I’ve got one:
“Well, the first baby turned out GREAT and is now a famous actress and showers her adoptive parents with lavish gifts like cars and houses. I thought it made sense to see if I could get some of that for myself.”
As a mom-by-adoption, I can safely say that sarcasm and irony will be lost completely on any prospective adoptive parents as a result of the addled brain that comes with infertility/hormones/fear. They will be completely unable to fathom anything other than the fact that there’s a pregnant woman in front of them.
My suggestion? Go wide-eyed and curious: “What do you mean?” “Help me to understand what you’re really saying.” “I don’t understand your implication.” “Why would you think that?” “That’s a really personal question, don’t you think?” All with a smile and (faked) genuine warmth, make them explain themselves until they squirm.
And remember, you are one heck of a momma, woman, wife, and person. You owe them no explanations or apologies for who you are or the choices you’ve made. They are there to learn from you, and, if they let themselves, they will be better for it, but it’s their choice to learn or not.
….and a wonderful job you did!!! But I will leave today for you to tell.
I’m wiped out but wanted to come by and say thank you.
I remember when I got pregnant after placing my daughter for adoption in 2001… It was 2003 when I got pregnant, and the adoptive parents assumed they would get that baby too… They called me up (before I had even started considering adoption again) and told me they had already brought all the baby stuff back out again, and had already started picking out baby names… WTF… What balls… My family though, did the same… asking me who was going to raise this child… Totally… not cool…
I guess its too late and I don’t have any kids but how about:
To Can’t she keep her legs closed?:
“no, why you want a go?”
To the looking to adopt comment:
“well thank you for thinking of me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do once the baby came.”
And to didn’t she learn anything:
what exactly were you suppose to learn?