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Seven Simple/True Things in Seven Days

Marcie over at A Child Chosen tagged me in this meme. I’m supposed to write seven simple/true things about myself over the next seven days. While this is my adoption-related blog, not all of the things will be specifically adoption related though I will try to tie it in, somehow.

Day One: I’m a perfectionist with obsessive-compulsive personality trait who lives with anxiety on a daily basis.

No, I don’t have OCD. I don’t wash my hands repeatedly (though I do wash them). I don’t lock and unlock doors. I don’t have rituals. This site describes a lot of what my therapist diagnosed me in this way for, minus the money thing. I wish I hoarded money. Instead, I like to spend it. (Perhaps a Taurus trait peeking through the personality disorder.) Perfectionism is a trait of OCPT disorder but I seem to take it to new levels all the time. I don’t notice it, either, until I’m sitting in my therapist’s office, recounting the eighty-bagillion things that I’ve done recently. And she’ll look at me. And say, “Munchkin’sFirstMom, you don’t have to be everything, to everyone, all the dang time. Do you know that?” And I’ll realize that I really didn’t need to spread myself as thin as I did over x-amount of time in regards to y or z thing. But I don’t honestly notice it when I’m up until 3am working on a paper for a presentation. Mmmhmmm.

As for the anxiety, I usually have it in check. Usually. This pregnancy’s hormone fluctuation in the first trimester sent me into a tailspin that was pretty bad. Thankfully I just upped my therapy visits and employed some relaxation techniques. I’m hoping to avoid the use of anti-anxiety meds in this postpartum period, however, I am also realistic that it could come down to that in the end. My anxiety keeps me from socializing as much as I would like. (Really, I do like people but I just freak out!!) I don’t call to order pizza; TheHusbandMan has to do it. I hate (hate) meeting new people. I don’t walk first into a room, no matter how big. Movie theaters, friends’ houses and sporting events… it doesn’t matter. Someone else has to walk in first. When I was diagnosed with anxiety, it answered a lot of questions from my past and pin-pointed why my Mother and I had such a hard time communicating.

That said, my perfectionism creates some good things. For example, I don’t like living with anxiety so I do things to overcome it instead of just letting it overtake me. (Except when hormone fluctuations come into play. God, that was just AWFUL. Gah.) I’m currently very proud of the work I’ve done regarding my anxiety as of late. Munchkin’sFirstMom of two years ago, pre-diagnoses, would never have stood up and spoke in front of any sized group of people. I also wouldn’t sing with the choir or any solo-ops either. Both my determination to get the best of this thing and my faith in God’s help have brought me through the muck of all of this.

And how does this all relate to adoption?

I’ve been really working, mentally, on how some of that anxiety likely played in to Munchkin’s placement. I get stuck, though, because I get really down on myself for not recognizing that I was dealing with something more than just what was seen on the surface. It’s hard for me to step back and say, “But you didn’t know you were also fighting some other issues. You can’t hold yourself responsible for not knowing.” But then the other part of me says, “If you had demanded better care, perhaps this would have been caught.” Ah, perfectionism at its best.

All of this can hamper my communication with Munchkin’s family as well. As much as I’m a proponent for open, honest communication, my hormonal fluctuations with these things really got the best of me early in this pregnancy. I had to cancel a visit and, looking back, it seems so “silly” to have needed to cancel it. But at the time? I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I wasn’t showering, leaving the house or doing much more than taking care of BigBrother and taking prenatal vitamins. It was a bad, bad time. Thankfully, my therapist and I have worked out some things that will hopefully keep a repeat of this issue from ever happening again, including CALLING HER to set up an emergency appointment and possibly involving D in a phone session before I would cancel something. Ya know, instead of just freaking out? Yeah. Cool!

Anyway, tomrorow’s simple/true thing will be more cheery. Promise.

As for tagging, I encourage everyone who reads this blog to get real in their blogs for seven days and address seven simple/true things about themselves. I’d love to learn more about my bloggy-friends. Holla back.