My Experience with Denial, Postpartum Depression and Relinquishment
Posted: October 24, 2007 at 10:05 am
I wish I had kept a better account of my postpartum period after the Munchkin was born and subsequently placed. To be honest, my memories are quite sparse from that specific period. It was a complex time in my life. I was dealing with the grief and loss associated with the relinquishment of my daughter. I was going through that hormonal fluctuation which included some really sweaty nights, leaking breasts and pain in all just about every part of my body. (They don’t tell you that before you have your first baby; you use your whole body to give birth and so, of course, all of your muscles hurt.) Add into those things a horrid communication problem with my Mother, an apartment lease that was up and a necessary move to Ohio… and it was just a very complicated time in my life.
But oh, oh, did I try to be brave. I only cried in the privacy of my room or with TheHusbandMan. I attempted to do things like have a normal Christmas with family members. I put on a smile during these social outings, smiling politely when people commented on how quickly my body had bounced back. They didn’t see the stretch marks hidden underneath winter clothes; permanent reminders to everything that I had lost.
I do, however, remember hitting my own breaking point. I don’t remember the actual trigger. I don’t remember the actual length of time. (However, I would assume it was within three months of her birth because it was before I was working.) I hit a wall. I couldn’t function anymore. I hadn’t been leaving our apartment. I hadn’t been showering. Or eating. And it all just came to a head. I ended up doing something that I’m not proud of and feel rather sheepish in admitting. But hey, I’ve written a lot of personal stuff here and those who are going to judge me are going to judge me no matter what I write. So, what the heck. I ended up resorting to an old (poor) coping technique and cutting my arms. Thankfully, TheHusbandMan was a nosy one, even then, and intervened. While I did not seek professional help, TheHusbandMan and I began taking long walks during which we talked about the issues that were bothering me.
Looking back, I feel some anger mixed with my confusion. What, exactly, fell under the heading of normal postpartum emotional fluctuation? What fell under the heading of normal adoption grief and loss? And what fell under the heading of “too far” or “too much?” What should have been a red flag? Should my denial of emotion, shown by the brave face I was putting on for family and friends, been a sign of things to come? Or do all birth mothers go through some sort of denial phase? I can’t answer any of these questions. Why? That’s where the anger comes in. I can’t answer any of these questions about what was normal and what was too much and when it crossed the line… because I wasn’t counseled in anything involving postpartum mood disorders, normal postpartum fluctuations or anything about adoption grief and loss. Okay, I lied. I was told, “You’ll be sad for awhile but then you’ll “move on.”" What good did that do me? Shouldn’t I have been given information? By someone? The agency? My doctors?
Shouldn’t someone have said, “These are the warning signs for something more than normal. Please call if you are experiencing anything.” Instead, my agency dropped off the planet as soon as I signed the Termination of Parental Rights. Having called on a weekly basis and twice while I was in the hospital, I was shocked by their sudden lack of interest. The only thing my doctor at the hospital discussed with me was birth control. (You know, because all mothers who relinquish are whores!) I was left to figure it all out of myself. I didn’t do a good job.
And so, I share this story, however, embarrassing it is to out myself, so that other birth mothers might know some things, might know more than I did when I went into the whole experience, blind and naive. Today, on the BlogHer Blog Act for Mothers Act Blog Day, I share this story so that mothers who are considering relinquishment might have a resource. I didn’t have any clue what to expect. I didn’t know anyone who had placed. I didn’t have the internet at that time. I had an agency who didn’t care a lick about me once the child was placed. I had a doctor that didn’t know what to do with me and just wanted me gone.
The truth is, if I had been honest with myself, I would have seen myself heading down a road that wasn’t normal, no matter what experiences or hormonal imbalances I had just gone through. Instead, I didn’t want people to know I was suffering inside. The agency had told me that I would just “move on.” I wasn’t moving on so I thought something was wrong with me. Instead, the agency did me a huge disservice by minimizing the pain that birth mothers experience as a result of placement. Because I was experiencing something different than what they had said I would, I felt like a failure. And I don’t like to feel like a failure. Ever.
I want all expectant mothers and new birth mothers who are reading this to know that if something doesn’t feel right, you need to call someone. If your agency has dropped off the face of the Earth and your doctor doesn’t know how to handle you, please reach out to other birth mothers, even via the internet. Someone can help you find resources and talk you through your emotions while you wait for an appointment with a qualified therapist. You do not have to do this alone. Mothers who have been there and done this would be more than willing to help you. I promise.
For birth mothers who are considering building their families (by parenting another child), I encourage you to read my post over on the birth/first parent blog on the subject today. BigBrother’s birth threw me for an even bigger loop.
Also, I encourage other first mothers to share their stories today as it is the BlogHers Act Blog Day for Mothers Act. Be sure to tag everything with Mothers Act so you can be found by all types of mothers!
The Discussion
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Not a birth mom, or an expectant mom, but a mom and a friend just wanting to say Thank You for your honesty in writing that post. As always, I am touched by how raw and vulnerable you’ll allow yourself to be for the sake of other first and expectant mothers considering adoption.
You’re a wonderful person, Jenna. Huge *hugs* to you. I know that wasn’t easy for you to write, but I admire your honesty and bravery in doing so.
With love,
Judy
great GREAT post Jenna. made me cry, remembering my own…stuff.
You know what’s crazy? None of it hit me until a year later. They diagnosed me with post partum psychosis and I kinda laughed. I was like, “Um, he’s a year?” but what I didn’t realize was that there were sooooo many signs. It was a traumatic birth, he wasn’t developing as he should, I was so busy trying to be normal that I didn’t see it coming. Then WHAM! Boy, oh boy, it hit me. I couldn’t function for months and I had two babies at home.
You are brave and honest and those are two qualities that are hard to come by. I admire you so much for having the courage to put yourself out there. You are an inspiration to many.
wow. like others, this hit me. i felt a rush of emotion through my body and was about to cry. i remember my own situation all too clearly. not sure i am as brave as you to write about it. it takes me to dark places i am not sure i can come back from. but i agree with others, thank you for sharing.
[...] syndrome seems to ring a bell with me. And, oh, ya know, that prior episode thing. (For more, read here and [...]
((BIG Hugs)) Thanks for sharing your story.
It brought back memories of my time without PooWee. I too put on the “happy face” when others were around. When they were gone…I was contimplating suicide.
I don’t think expectant mothers can be warned enough about the emotional roller coaster they may be on.
I have a post I was planning on doing today, but I will now write on what I experience after PooWees birth.
[...] after reading Jenna’s post on Adoptionblogs.com and then heading over to her blog, Chronicles of Munchkin Land, I feel it’s only appropriate for me to write about my experience after giving birth to [...]
Thank you so much for sharing your story. And thank you so much for writing about this today. If your readers haven’t had a chance to call their Senators yet, I hope you will encourage them to do it before the end of this week. Each call is SO important.
[...] The Chronicles of Munckin Land [...]
Thank you so much for sharing. It kills me to think that so many mothers suffer in silence. Having dealt with depression, anxiety and ocd prior to my daughters birth I was very aware of my feelings and it only took my sister saying 1 time that I seemed depressed for me to go for help.
Unfortunately I watched as my SIL suffered, refusing to get help. It was “only the baby blues” she was told and she tried to hide it from everyone.
As I have said before you are a very strong person and there is someone out there who will be helped by your sharing.
Thanks for your support of the MOTHERS Act. Too often postpartum depression is a problem that goes unnoticed, and most women with PPD never receive any type of treatment. PPD is a treatable illness, and it is essential that we continue to educate ourselves and others about this important issue.
For more information on PPD, visit us at The MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health
http://www.wellmother.com/articles/edinburgh.htm
this is the msot used scale of PPD in psychology. I suggest all expectant mothers bookmark it for future reference.
Have I sent this to you yet? I’d like to invite you to join our Surviving and Thriving Mothers Photo Album (http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/photos/happy_healthy_mom/index.html) at Postpartum Progress. The photo album helps to show mothers who are currently suffering that they will survive and become happy mothers. It features women who have recovered from postpartum mood disorders and their children. If you would like to be in it, email me a jpeg to stonecallis@msn.com, and include your first name and last initial, as well as which illness you suffered and what year it was, and the state you live in!