Adoption as ANY Kind of “Out”

I think I’ll expand on this on the birth/first parent blog next week. But I need to “free write” on this recent choice phrase on a certain forum discussion with regard to a mother’s decision to place her child for adoption. Twice now, the decision to relinquish has been referred to as an “awesome out.” (QuietlyMothering hit on the topic on her blog the other day after the initial offense.)

I was initially so shocked that all I could say was, “Did you really just refer to adoption as an awesome out?” Because I was honestly flabbergasted. Granted, the member to this forum was new. But still. You don’t often see such a blatant disregard for the emotional complexities of placement. Okay, maybe you do. But it’s been awhile for me. And it was disturbing on many levels.

And so, someone else chimed in with “OMGZ! ABORTION IS TEH EVIL SO OF COURSE ADOPTION IS AN AWESOME OUT!” Really, I’m so tired of the adoption-abortion comparision melarchy. It smacks of a complete lack of education on the matter. I know plenty of pro-life women who are intelligent enough to know the difference between the two and to realize that adoption is not the answer to the “abortion problem.” And so when I’m presented with those who can’t seem to separate the two, again, my mind turns to mush.

And so, to dissect the idea that adoption is any kind of out, I will provide a list of reasons that doesn’t work for me:

1. I wanted to parent my daughter so badly. I was not looking for an out.

2. Since certain circumstances and people were getting in the way of my original desire to parent, I made the decision that I wanted to be in my daughter’s life (through open adoption). That decision was a lifelong commitment that I made to her and her family. If I would have been looking for an out of any kind, I would have signed the paper and walked away. Even still, that doesn’t remove the point I’m about to make.

3. Just because I ended up signing over the rights to my child doesn’t mean that I stopped loving her, worrying about her or caring about her well-being. She is forever on my mind and in my heart. I cannot simply and magically remove her from my being. She altered who I am in so many different and glorious ways. Termination of rights has nothing to do with termination of love. Nothing at all.

4. Even if something was to happen that closed our adoption, I would never be free from my daughter. She is a piece of my being. With that door closed, I would just be even less of my whole person.

I’m just not understanding where this idea is coming from other than a blatant disregard for the experience of first mothers. The decision to place was agonizing and horrifying. The physical separation was excruciating. The signing of the TPR was humiliating. (Doubly so since I was forced to do it twice.) And the continued presence I have in her life is sometimes emotionally and physically draining. But I do it because I was looking for a way to be “IN” her life.

Not out. IN.