Nicole has put together a slide show featuring the Faces of First Moms. Watch it. Pass it on.

She’s my only living daughter. She will always be, barring some miracle, my only living daughter. And so songs about daughters really get to me. No doubt. I love my sons so very much. But she has this special place in my being. My only girl. And she’s not with me. And there are times that the knowledge of that fact grates really hard on my coping ability.

But alas. One song that makes me think of all of this…

Zoe Jane by Staind.

Okay, so the line about loving her like a father should love a daughter doesn’t apply. But? The rest of the lyrics? Oh, let’s quote some. Okay?

I want to hold you
protect you from all of the things I’ve already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I’ll always love you

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I know that even if my sons go through something similar (a girlfriend experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for example), they won’t endure some of the same things that I went through on many levels (judgment, decisions, etc). I would lay down my life to protect my daughter from any of that junk. Which is why I remain an active voice in the adoption community. Things need to change. Beyond that, she has so much to gain from living her life. She’s an amazing girl. There is SO MUCH in store for her. I can feel it. Unfortunately, I am not the one who will help her see that on a daily basis. Her Mom is in charge of that, of course. But I hope to be able to show her that when she’s with me; that I believe in her, no matter what. That I love her, no matter what. That I’m here, no matter what.

when I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I’d be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone

Do I need to say too much more about this verse? Do I need to talk about the tears I’ve cried over the years? The tears from leaving her at the hospital with her family that first time? The tears I cry every time I leave her after every visit? The tears when I think about what relinquishment means… how it means forever? The tears that I cry that she may feel that I virtually abandoned her? And that I’ve got nothing but a hope that she can see the pure heart of intention and naievity mixed together?

To boot, I never named my daughter. She was always just, simply, my Munchkin. It was advised to me not to name her. I tossed about some names but then my health went downhill and then the adoption agency hoopla began. And so she remained my Munchkin. I can’t really picture her wearing any name but her own. And so I sing it instead of Zoe Jane.

Dang it. I made it to right here without crying. It’s just so much to take in sometimes…

and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound

She has my eyes. My eyes.