This whole labor and delivery thing is different than all the prior ones. And I’m in a small state of panic.
When I birthed BigBrother, there was little else to worry about at the time. People came and visited. People brought flowers. My Husband only left my side once to run home and grab a few things that we had forgotten since I was sent straight from the doctor’s office to the hospital for delivery due to my health issues. It was a thousand times better than Munchkin’s delivery which involved minimal visitors, judgmental hospital staff, no flowers and, you know, that whole physical relinquishment part. BigBrother’s birth was actually quite wonderful in comparison.
But this time? I’ve got all this anxiety.
Even though BigBrother was my second birth and delivery experience, I didn’t have a child at home to worry about as well. If this new little guy decides to come during the week, we’re really pressed for what to do with his older brother. I mean, we have plans but they aren’t “optimal.” (Read: they’re not what I want.) In fact, one set of plans (as we have many) involves my Husband leaving me at the hospital, alone, at night while he goes home to be with our older son.
Pardon me while I totally freak out.
I’m not scared of alone time with the new baby. No, that’s not the issue. I don’t want to be alone in the hospital. When I was admitted for preterm labor at twenty-six weeks during this pregnancy, TheHusbandMan had to go home to stay with BigBrother during the overnight hours. If it wasn’t for the sleep medication, I wouldn’t have been able to stay. I had a panic attack as soon as they started talking about an overnight stay, knowing that my Husband wasn’t going to be able to stay with me.
It’s not specifically my Husband that I want with me. Okay, that sounds weird! I do want him with me. But quite frankly, if he can’t be there, I’ll take a friendly janitor, posing as someone who loves and cares about me. Because being alone in the hospital, in relation to pregnancy or the actual delivery of a child, is very triggering for me. Memories and bad feelings come swirling back. Being alone in the hospital for multiple surgeries during Munchkin’s pregnancy and after her delivery have left me absolutely petrified of being alone in similar but different circumstances.
Do you know how quiet but simultaneously un-quiet a hospital is at night? I do. And I don’t like it. I don’t like being left alone with thoughts and memories. I want my Husband to sleep, uncomfortably, on the couch/bed next to mine. I want visitors non-stop. I want my baby in my room at all times. I don’t want to face those demons that come out in the quiet-but-not-so-quiet midnight hours.
And so, I’ll just sit around and panic about this particular issue, knowing that it wouldn’t be an issue if this little guy would come out today (as tomorrow is Veteran’s Day). However, he seems to have calmed down the uterus shaking since yesterday. Interesting.
I swear I have song lyrics left. I just got overwhelmed with emotion.
6 Responses to “More Panic”
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My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
Twitter: thiswomanswork
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Is there anything I can do? (Really!!!)
dawn’s last blog post..The boys are home!
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This is a great thing for a church family to help out with. Call your pastor or one of your church friends about this. Really.
Judy’s last blog post..?I want to go with you, Mommy!,?
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I’d come visit you in the hospital if I lived closer–I’ll hold you in my thoughts/heart instead.
Susan’s last blog post..Airport Blogging, Once More with Content
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PooWee was born at night, so my first night I was SO LONELY! J stayed in my room and took care of PooWee. I burried my head in the pillow, cried and pretended to be sleeping.
The next day Elijah was up at the hospital all day. He was my shoulder to lean on. He walked the hospital halls with me to avoid all the visitors for J & P. When my mom called to pick him up, I didn’t want him to go.
I had PooWee spend the night with me. He slept in the bed with me and I was able to hold him all night. He was my security.
He left the hospital with me. That time was as hard on him as it was on me. I feel like I put too much on him for only being 8. Here, I was an emotional wreck and my 8 year old was by my side. I can still hear him bawling when we left PooWee at the hospital. How could I do that to him?
If you think BigBrother would be ok. Maybe he could sleep with the hubby on the uncormfortable chair/bed?
Roni’s last blog post..Why Adoption
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Have you considered a doula? Not sure how close your EDD is, it may be hard to find one last minute. If cost would be a factor, look anyway. I’m a student midwife, many of the women I am in school with are doulas who will waive, reduce or barter their fees to have more birth experiences.
eden’s last blog post..Visual Reminders
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Eden; Unfortunately, we live in a very… strange?… area where nothing much is available. I contacted the very few that are available within an hour drive and one never returned my e-mail(s) and the other two were working with mothers due at the same time as our little one. Such is life in rural oblivion.
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