I am currently having to make the conscious choice not to shut down, emotionally. And completely. I want to go back to the bedroom, crawl under the covers and not come out until… well, until this baby arrives. And then I’d probably just retreat back to my bedroom cave with the baby until we’ve got breastfeeding worked out. And then why not just stay there until Spring has sprung and we can go outside?

It’s not the weather. It’s just this… time.

And so, even though I’m not showered yet, I’m sitting in the living room, working on a few things and trying to find an appropriate song to sing on Christmas Eve. I’ve started some laundry and written a list of things to finish before the birthday party on Sunday. I’ve also offered some advice to an expectant mother.

Can I have a cookie? Preferably an Oreo with a big glass of milk?

It’s times like these that are dangerous as a first mother. To be honest, it would be easiest to simply “fall off the radar” and let myself find that “okay” place again. However, that isn’t fair to the Munchkin or her parents, especially as she continues to ask more questions about birth, adoption and me. Now (until forever!) is the time that I need to be present. And that can be big and scary when all you want to do is hug yourself and sleep. It’s hard to remember that I made these promises to her (and her family) in her best interest. And that I need to keep that best interest in mind and at heart even when I want to find a tunnel and burrow deep.

I’m rambling right now, so I’m going to quit.

For those worrying, I really am okay. I’m just overwhelmed. And writing about it makes me feel a little less insane.