I Can’t Live

Sometimes it’s just a part of a song that hits me in the face. Not the entire thing. Just a verse. A line. A chorus. Something in the way the words meet with the music. The song in its entirety doesn’t make any adoption-sense. But there will be one part that makes me catch my breath. And suddenly I’m just lost in my daughter’s entity.

With or Without You by U2.

This part? Right here? Speaks so much about that time, prior to relinquishment.

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

I felt so helpless. My hands were tied. I felt so used. My body was stretched and broken and bruised. I had nothing to win and nothing left to lose. Ya know, except my daughter. Oh, hindsight, what a wretched beast you are.

I was listening to the radio on the way to the mall today. And this song came on. And I was singing, really enjoying the harmonies available in this song. BigBrother, safe in his car seat in the back of the Mustang, probably thought Mommy was nuts. Because I can really get into singing some U2. And then it got to that verse.

And my voice got a bit quieter.

And then… I had to sing…

And you give yourself away…

And I cried. Hard.

There are times that I can’t live, with myself, for doing what I did. Of course, I do live on for my children, for myself. But, man, sometimes. Like this afternoon. When it really hits me? When what I’ve done smacks me across the face with such severity? When it is that thorn twisting in my side? Oh, it hurts. It just really hurts.