"The peace we seek to win is not victory over any other people, but the peace that comes with healing in its wings; with compassion for those who have suffered; with understanding for those who have opposed us; with the opportunity for all the peoples." -Richard NixonI’m feeling put upon this afternoon. I’m feeling offended. And I know I shouldn’t. But I am. I’ll blame late-pregnancy super-sensitive hormones, a lack of sleep and a strong desire for more Starbucks but an inability to shove myself into the car to drive and go get some. Partly irrational, I do agree but… really, I have to ask: why is okay to assume the worst of birth parents but, to flip it, never okay to assume the worst of adoptive parents? Why the double standard?
Someone asked in a forum setting a question that, by itself, doesn’t make me feel offended. But when I sit and think about it on the grand scale of things, I am miffed. I’m tired of the double standard. The question in question?
“Have any (of you) birth parents turned to drugs to deal with the loss of your child?”
The question is a legitimate one when you consider the complexities of grief and loss. As our society doesn’t deal really well with grief and loss and we are thus often ill-prepared to handle the issues when they are thrown in our path, poor coping mechanisms are not out of the question. And so, part of me understands the question. My answer, of course, is no. I know a few others who have turned to drugs or alcohol because therapy was simply not available. (I mean, it took me three-plus years to find a therapist with experience!) They have acknowledged that masking the grief with the feel-good effects of drugs and/or alcohol didn’t solve anything but it’s all they knew to do at the time.
Okay, so, it happens. We acknowledge that. But my question is: why the double standard on talking about these issues? I want to post the following question:
“Have you, as an adoptive parent, turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with the grief and loss associated with infertility or miscarriage or the rigors of parenting in general?”
Can you imagine the flame war that would begin? Can you imagine the absolute anger that would be felt by that entire side of the triad for such an awful assumption? And yet, I know a mother who did turn to drugs when she was dealing with infertility. It’s not her proudest moment and she has since been through rehab and is a great, great friend to me. We know it happens. But why isn’t it okay to ask?
Why is it okay to ask about birth parents and an assumed tendency to cope with things poorly but not okay to flip the question? I’m not saying we shouldn’t be asking about birth parents who have coped poorly; I think we should! I think we should be discussing the why’s and where-for’s of these detrimental coping mechanisms so that future birth parents aren’t sucked into their evil grasp. We should acknowledge that they exist and make plans to help those currently struggling and those who might come along in the future. But should we be ignoring the other side of the coin? Simply because people assume that adoptive parents have it all together? I don’t think so.
All I’m saying is: issues are not unique to one group of parents. Birth parents aren’t the only ones who deal in poor ways. We’re just expected to because of stereotype and long-standing stigmas.
And if you do have a drug or alcohol problem, oh, please, reach out. You can beat this. I promise you!
GREAT post!
The answer to similar flipped questions I’ve asked is one of my “favorite” responses: You CHOSE to place, I didn’t choose to be infirtile. So, my actions based on that choice are looked at differently. As opposed to actions based on the hand they were dealt.
It’s ridiculous. We should be able to ask ALL these questions, and so like you said, people can get the help they need and deserve!
Thanksgivingmom’s last blog post..What is Possible?
By Thanksgivingmom on 11.20.07 12:59 pm | Permalink
[...] are faced with stereotypes from others, stereotypes that jump out of nowhere and can drag a person down, understandably, because it is hard to be reduced to a [...]
By Stereotypes « Just Enjoy Him: Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom on 11.20.07 1:45 pm | Permalink
Drug use, addictions, suicidal ideation and more are often results of significant trauma. Losing your child to adoption (by choice or force) is a documented trauma. I think its a valid question (but I can understand your offense at the question. Perhaps this person missed the stereotype that first moms are crack whores BEFORE they place..so why wouldnt they continue being so?)
Researcher researcher Merry Bloch Jones proposed a Birth Mother Syndrom. She developed the following profile for this syndrome:
1. Signs of unresolved grief, such as lingering denial, anger, or depression
2. Symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder, such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, avoidance, or phobic reactions
3. Diminished self-esteem, passivity, abandonment of previous goals, or feelings of powerlessness, worthlessness, and victimization
4. Dual identities, divided into outer pretenses of ‘perfection’ or ‘normalcy’ and secret inner feelings of shame, self-condemnation, and isolation
5. Arrested emotional development, typified by the sense of being ‘stuck’ where they were when they relinquished
6. Self-punishment, often inflicted through participation in abusive relationships, abuse of drugs or alcohol, eating disorders, or other self-destructive behaviors
7. Unexplained secondary infertility
8. Living at, or vacillating between, various extremes” (1993, p. 272)
Since I have personally experienced more than half of the above since surrendering my daughter, I lean towards its existence.
However, happy to report substance abuse was not a coping mechanism I employed to deal with the trauma.
By suz on 11.20.07 1:51 pm | Permalink
whoops. sorry for typos.
By suz on 11.20.07 2:20 pm | Permalink
you can ask me anything. :)
Luann’s last blog post..In a crabby state
By Luann on 11.20.07 4:47 pm | Permalink
THis is an excellent post and something I think we should do more often. Turn the question around. I know I could learn from doing that myself.
As for me, I’m an open book and if you’re asking the question, yes, I found unhealthy ways to cope… my “drug of choice” was food. 80 pounds worth. I’m better now but I still struggle… we all got something.
And the question originally asked, definitely not in the best context. Hugs to you!
I hope you don’t feel like you’re being stalked!!! I’m just holding my breath til LittleBrother is here!!! I know you are too…
Tammy’s last blog post..When Pain Is What It Is
By Tammy on 11.20.07 7:05 pm | Permalink
I’m going to try really hard not to be snarky, because honestly, that’s not why I’m commenting. So hear me out.
First of all, I understand the point of your post - mainly “why is it OK to assume stereotypes?” - and I wanted to acknowledge that. And I think you’ve got a good point, in that no one should accept stereotypes because, well, that’s just plain stereotypical.
But I must ask:
Why does this question have to mean anything other than what it is at face value?
Had the question been asked like this - “I know that some (of you) birth parents turned to drugs to deal with the loss of your child, can you tell me about it?” asked in a forum called “Why Birth Mothers are Always Awful” then we’re talking about something totally different - which, in that case, I’d have to agree with you.
But it wasn’t asked like that and as far as I can see, no stereotypes were applied. I can’t fault whomever asked this question because I feel that the question itself isn’t offensive. In the very least its an honest question worded benignly and lacking in accusation.
If someone asked me “Have you, as an adoptive parent… ever XYZ [insert scenario]?” NO, I honestly wouldn’t be offended, nor would I probably wouldn’t understand or side-with anyone who was. Because what would their basis for anger be? That someone wanted to educate themselves? Familiarize themselves with something they may not understand? Gain insight so as NOT to create stereotypes that they then give themselves permission to indulge in?
I think that when we ask questions (i.e. when we honestly want answers) and we’re ridiculed or belittled or second-guessed (like in this post) then WE STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND START AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMING STEREOTYPES.
Wouldn’t you say its a vicious cycle?
Complicating things by making assumptions (about questions? or people? or situations/circumstances/intentions?) are what CREATE stereotypes.
K’s last blog post..Where baby brothers and sisters come from
By Krissi on 11.20.07 7:50 pm | Permalink
Wow, that last comment (of mine) was sorta filled with bad grammar and a couple of poorly written sentences. Hopefully you got what I meant, though, without too much confusion.
K’s last blog post..Where baby brothers and sisters come from
By Krissi on 11.20.07 7:52 pm | Permalink
K, I know in the particular forum in question, the original posters question was answered straightforward and honestly and wasn’t turned into a “why are you asking me those questions?” kind of a thread.
In general, it’s just sometimes hard to have the same quesion, especially about drug/alcohol use asked of me and other bmoms over and over and over again. I don’t want to spend all day provind stereotypes wrong sometimes.
Thanksgivingmom’s last blog post..Baby Steps
By Thanksgivingmom on 11.20.07 7:54 pm | Permalink
K; Hence the reason I took it to my own personal space instead of breaking the point of the post. I acknowledged, two or three times in this very post that it is a legitimate question. I just then posted about how it made me feel. Can you tell me why that is wrong? Your comments as of late have been rather… I don’t know. But I’m not enjoying them, that’s all I know.
Edited to Add: It probably looks like I’m being bitchy because you’re disagreeing with me solely on this post so I thought I should clarify. It’s not just this comment. You’ve been rather combative over the past… few months… and I’m really not enjoying being the recipient of it. I’m tired of opening comments from you only to find that, once again, I’ve either been told that I’m wrong or been told how I’m perpetuating something that I’m not. I asked a question. Others seem to understand why I’ve asked, if you read above. Please, if you’re going to just continue to attack me, remove me from all of your contacts. I’m too tired for any of this continued nonsense.
By Jenna on 11.20.07 8:04 pm | Permalink
Thanksgivingmom,
I’m really glad to know that the question was given thoughtful answers. They are probably answers that so many people could benefit from by reading them.
Jenna,
“Your comments as of late have been rather… I don’t know. But I’m not enjoying them, that’s all I know.”
You can NOT be serious. My comment posed an honest question - and I couldn’t in the minutest sense guess or ASSUME as to why you’re upset by it. I am sorry if you aren’t ‘enjoying’ what I have to say - and I’m left with really wondering when that changed. When I disagree with you? When I don’t understand you and I ask questions? When I challenge you? When?
Please take at least what *I* say at face value (even if you can’t on other blogs). I am who I am, and I’d like to think my ‘intentions’ in commenting on a blog (yours, mine, Santa’s?) are pure. If you value my input, then please consider that I don’t expect you to always agree with me/my blog posts/comments, no more than I’d expect for you to want me always to agree with you/your blog posts/comments.
If you don’t value my input, well then, that’s… that.
Anyway,
If you don’t want me to read your blogs, or comment on them, then you can tell me and I’ll leave. Simple…
K’s last blog post..Where baby brothers and sisters come from
By Krissi on 11.20.07 8:36 pm | Permalink
K; For pity’s sake, yes, just leave. Mmhmm, that’s exactly what I meant. See ya.
By Jenna on 11.20.07 8:40 pm | Permalink
Suffering and pain come to everyone… Whether it be self inflicted(ignorantly or knowingly) or you could not control the suffering that has been delt to you. The most important thing is…How do we handle the pain? In a manner that is selfish or a way that is really healing deep down on the inside.
Errg. Anyways, back to your post. Love it when yall flip things like that. For realio. Very good point. We do get made to look like the bad guys in most cases.
By Jamie on 11.21.07 5:38 am | Permalink
For me the rule of thumb for asking a question is to first ask myself “Would I be okay with someone asking me this question”. I tend to try to give people the benefit of the doubt about their intent but yeah this question would but me immediately on guard.
Katja’s last blog post..What about me
By Katja on 11.21.07 12:07 pm | Permalink
I had thought that this question is normal because I had seen in discussion forms, couple of birth moms talking about how they turned to alcohol due to grief and reduced self worth after they had lost their children .
This is a big trauma and it is a human being thing to try to escape from the pain especially if that person does not have any coping skills.
I think like what Nicole sad in one of her post ,pain of adoption loss can not be compared with infertility . This question can also be asked to some trauma patients.
By Magissa on 11.21.07 2:05 pm | Permalink
Ah, people are not reading what I wrote, I think. I didn’t say the question wasn’t legitimate. I spoke, in fact, of its legitimacy. I’m just asking, “Why don’t we ever ask the flip side of the coin?”
By Jenna on 11.21.07 2:21 pm | Permalink
Jenna,
People do ask the other side. They do ask how are you dealing with infertility, how are you dealing with a special needs kid? How are you doing after your adoption, after your failed adoptions? Are you doing okay?
They just phrase it differently because they hope that you are not doing those things. They hope that you are getting “appropriate help” and not self medicating.
But when you tell them you take/took depression medication they gasp and ask why…”you seem just fine”. Well, that is the whole point of the medication isn’t it?
Make sense?
Jamie…good comment on pain.
pickel’s last blog post..Name Changing?
By pickel on 11.21.07 11:38 pm | Permalink
I’ve been thinking about this since you posted yesterday. I think you can trust that feeling of something not being right about the question.
This isn’t a perfect analogy, but see if you think it makes any sense…
It always bothers me when people ask if the boys are twins (happens ALL the time). (Even when one was in an infant carrier and one was running beside me.) No one ever asks maliciously. It’s always an innocent, curious, legitimate question.
But the boys don’t look anything alike. They are different ages, different developmental stages, different builds, different facial features, different skin tones, different, different, different. I thought at first that maybe I just wasn’t recognizing how alike they were because I was their parent. But that’s really not it.
And it is always white people who ask if they’re twins, NEVER people of color. So, hmmm… I don’t know any parents of two white kids who keep getting asked if their children are twins. (You’ll have to see if you get asked if your boys are twins!)
Now, this is not be true for everyone who asks, but I think often there is an unconscious racist undertone to the question. (As if all Black people look the same or something.)
So, I guess my point is (again recognizing that this isn’t a perfect analogy to the question you pose in your post), sometimes a question can seem perfectly legitimate, but there *is* a double standard or negative assumptions or prejudices going on.
Each situation has to be considered on it’s own, but you’re pretty experienced with this topic in particular. Don’t feel badly for being offended, or assume it’s hormones… If your Prejudice Alarm is beeping, there’s probably something to it.
I also wanted to let you know that I tried a Starbuck’s Peppermint latte on your recommendation, and… Yum!!
Have a great Thanksgiving, Jenna!
By Mayhem on 11.22.07 6:37 pm | Permalink